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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

LEAVING sulking H

951 replies

jamaisjedors · 08/05/2019 21:56

I can't believe this is my third thread.

I first posted in December about my H's sulking and silent treatment - I was ready to leave then but then got persuaded to give it another go.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3448545-Confronting-DH-about-his-sulking?msgid=84022238

My second thread is where everyone helped me work through what was going on, helped IRL by individual and joint counselling.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3498886-Confronting-DH-about-his-sulking-part2?msgid=85957683

We have now made a joint decision to separate, and I have found somewhere to live.

I don't regret not leaving in January because I have had time to process a lot of things, confide in friends, and come to understand a lot of things about myself and H.

However, sometimes I think it would have been a lot easier to power my way out of the door whilst still fuelled with a lot of anger.

Right now I am mostly very very sad.

Today seemed like a reasonably good day, H and I managed to discuss childcare arrangements up til the school holidays quite calmly and sensibly.

We each spent time doing fun things with the DC and H is actually encouraging them to get a little excited about the new house and buying new furniture etc.

But I have just been hit by a massive wave of sadness again after overhearing part of a conversation between DC1 and a friend. DC1 was saying that he had no idea at all this was coming and had never seen us argue or fight. Sad

I was sure they were at least aware of the horrible atmosphere, particularly over the last few months so it's a bit of slap in the face to realise they had no idea at all and this must seem totally incomprehensible to them.

OP posts:
Haffdonga · 31/05/2019 20:26

He is now saying he is going to attack me through his lawyer for the stuff I've taken from the house

Don't let this unsettle you. Remember it is your and the dcs' stuff as much as his and you have taken what you need to divide your households. You have done nothing at all wrong. In H's deluded state you might be stealing from him but in the real (legal) world you are doing what you have to do to give your dcs a safe and satisfactory home.

But, writing a list of what you have taken is sensible (to protect against untrue accusations) and getting to the lawyer is wise.

Have a lovely calm weekend.

Mix56 · 31/05/2019 20:28

Oh what a bastard, not only has he driven you out of your half owned home, he is now being childish about a few joint owned things... were the bikes birthday or xmas presents btw? Don't the boys get to keep their bikes where they want & need them ? Anyway even if you had taken nothing he would attack you for some other misdemeanor he invented
if they are standard decathlon bikes, just buy a couple more on the joint account & the old ones can go back to his house.

Original poster
jamaisjedors · 31/05/2019 20:33

He's calmed down about the bikes, because our friends told him he was being ridiculous and the kids needed the bikes right now.

I just have to keep reminding myself that this logical, someone who is paranoid will be thinking I am going to steal from the basement (tools, stuff from his charity) or sabotage something.

And it's the only power he has left over the house so he is taking it - the friends have told him he can't stop me going there because it's still half mine, and the DC still have their keys and can and should have access whenever they want to pick up stuff - in fact that is what I was doing over there when I discovered the basement was locked - DC2 needed a book for school.

I'm being all rational now but of course it shook me up.

H has seen a lawyer so I've sent his name to my lawyer and asked for an appointment next week.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 31/05/2019 20:38

As well as listing what you have taken list what you haven't...

It will show that you have taken far less than half!!!

Soverytiredofeverythinggoingon · 31/05/2019 20:40

Get that cellar open and the lock changed, so you and the children can get access

LizzieSiddal · 31/05/2019 20:43

If there are items you need in the basement, you’d be fully entitled to get a locksmith to change the lock for you. It is your property. As long as you give your H a key too (once you’ve got everything you need out of there).

LizzieSiddal · 31/05/2019 20:44

X posted with sovery.

Original poster
jamaisjedors · 31/05/2019 20:47

Good idea to list what I haven't taken too.

For things I took : for example : 3 blankets out of 6.

2 sets of bedsheets out of 10...

4 garden chairs out of 8...

That sort of thing?

Plus everything that was left even though that would take me all week!

OP posts:
Original poster
jamaisjedors · 31/05/2019 20:50

I don't think I can be bothered with a locksmith, in fact I've just seen that it is a "fault" to deny me access to the family home, even though I've left, so I will just get it down on record that from x date H locked up the basement and refused to give me access or tell me where the key was.

It'll work against him ultimately.

Noone, not even his lawyer, is going to tell him I've been unreasonable in what I've taken so far, some cutlery, a few bowls and plates, blankets, towels etc. All the rest is my own personal stuff or predates the marriage.

I will list every last teaspoon!

Plus I have the police report to say I had to leave the family home in an emergency because I was in danger. I hope the hospital staff and psychologists will back me up too.

OP posts:
Innasnailshell · 31/05/2019 20:52

It takes time jamais to move from the conditioned place you have been held by his behaviour in your mind to learning that you are now free.

I guess it might be a little like a bird trapped in a cage for years relearning how to fly. The extra space might be scary and muscles take time & practice to regain their strength. It's an unsettling time as you learn there are many new ways to be and that you are doing it all just right.

RandomMess · 31/05/2019 20:54

At least you can take photos rather than super detailed lists - certainly handy with furniture and will show the marital home has not been left sparsely furnished!

Thanks
Mix56 · 31/05/2019 20:58

He is conveniently forgetting he has spent your joint money on a case against his employer... & another couple of big expenses you mentioned.
Put that on the list too

Haffdonga · 31/05/2019 21:01

Do you think he has hidden stuff that is important? I wouldn't bother about the getting into basement unless you think there is stuff in there that you need.

Remember, H is mentally ill. He probably believes that he needs to protect his special/ important/ personal stuff from 'the enemy'. Locking the door and hiding the key is a symptom of paranoia but you don't need to fight it unless he has taken stuff that belongs to you.

Original poster
jamaisjedors · 31/05/2019 21:05

I don't think there is anything important in the basement now, I took most of what I wanted, I just wanted to borrow a tool for this weekend to do a job in the new house.

I would have returned it. I know that. My friends know that. But yes, H is sick and doesn't know that.

I can do without it, friends can lend me one, I just didn't want to impose on them anymore with all they've already done and when a perfectly good tool was sitting there in the basement.

OP posts:
longtimelurkerhelen · 31/05/2019 21:05

I guess it might be a little like a bird trapped in a cage for years relearning how to fly. The extra space might be scary and muscles take time & practice to regain their strength.

Excellent analogy. So true.

As pp said, if it wasn't the stuff from the house it would be something else. He is clutching at straws. Try to bolster yourself for the many other unreasonable demands/accusations that will come.

Hope you have a lovely weekend.

TinselAngel · 31/05/2019 21:10

Rise above the basement thing. Don't give him the satisfaction.

CharityDingle · 31/05/2019 22:31

So he finally has a lawyer. Progress of sorts.

I hope you can tune out for the weekend now. You are doing brilliantly despite everything that he has tried to do.

justilou1 · 01/06/2019 00:39

If you have to buy DS a new book for school, make sure the invoice goes to the lawyer along with the reason why.

Gruzinkerbell1 · 02/06/2019 12:13

Hope the DC were glad to see their dad yesterday and that he behaved during their visit.

justilou1 · 02/06/2019 13:47

How are the kids after their visit with Dad? I hope they’re okay!

Mix56 · 02/06/2019 15:19

How did the visit go ? I would have to ask the "friend", did he have to step in ? Did he ask where the house was ?

Original poster
jamaisjedors · 02/06/2019 21:16

Hi, am rising above the basement thing. It pissed me off at the time but I'm over it now.

We can manage without and it is just showing our mutual friends just how difficult H is.

In the end the DC were out the whole day with their dad. They went to do a bit of shopping then got pizzas then went swimming and went "home" for a snack.

Our friend was there the whole time and organised it so the drop off and pick up were at his house before and after H arrived.

DC2 was quite worried because his dad wanted to buy him a new mobile phone - he said he thought his dad was trying to "buy" him.

I said that maybe his dad had missed him a lot and wanted to do something nice for him.

Also DC1 said that H was asking a LOT of questions about me and the house and what they had been doing and it was a bit TOO MUCH.

Again, I said he was probably worried about them having not seen them for 3 weeks. I did mention that H doesn't have our exact address for now and that it is better if he doesn't for the moment.

Afterwards I was kicking myself because once again, I have been covering up for H and also contradicting the DC's "true" feelings about what was going on with their dad.

I'm really annoyed with myself, the habit is so ingrained and I don't want them to think badly of their dad, but I am going to stop it from now on and just nod or say nothing when they say things; I don't want to be accused of turning them against him which is also why I didn't validate what they said, but still I regret it now.

Afterwards they were knackered and happy to see me and wanted to go "home" (to new house). Today we had a lovely peaceful day building our new sofa, shopping for food and going for a walk.

We feel at home and at peace.

Back to work and school tomorrow, but that's ok, even if my to-do list is as long as my arm still!!!

OP posts:
Original poster
jamaisjedors · 02/06/2019 21:19

Forget to say I spent several hours typing up what has happened in the last few weeks (not all done yet) on my friend's advice - H is apparantly writing notes on every visit and every conversation he has whilst at the hospital and the friend has advised me to do the same so even though it's heartbreaking raking over the old stuff, I am doing it.

The threads are here to help me for reference too.

OP posts:
Wallywobbles · 02/06/2019 21:48

Well done. It's a long road ahead but there's a fair bit behind you too. The notes and record keeping are honestly a good habit to get into. We did everything by email which was a life saver in court in terms of evidence. I forwarded every email to my lawyer. Try and get everything in writing, preferably email.

Wallywobbles · 02/06/2019 21:49

Oh and when the kids used to come back saying Daddy said. I'd reflect it back and ask them what they thought. If you know of a good therapist in time it can be useful for the kids.