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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

LEAVING sulking H

951 replies

jamaisjedors · 08/05/2019 21:56

I can't believe this is my third thread.

I first posted in December about my H's sulking and silent treatment - I was ready to leave then but then got persuaded to give it another go.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3448545-Confronting-DH-about-his-sulking?msgid=84022238

My second thread is where everyone helped me work through what was going on, helped IRL by individual and joint counselling.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3498886-Confronting-DH-about-his-sulking-part2?msgid=85957683

We have now made a joint decision to separate, and I have found somewhere to live.

I don't regret not leaving in January because I have had time to process a lot of things, confide in friends, and come to understand a lot of things about myself and H.

However, sometimes I think it would have been a lot easier to power my way out of the door whilst still fuelled with a lot of anger.

Right now I am mostly very very sad.

Today seemed like a reasonably good day, H and I managed to discuss childcare arrangements up til the school holidays quite calmly and sensibly.

We each spent time doing fun things with the DC and H is actually encouraging them to get a little excited about the new house and buying new furniture etc.

But I have just been hit by a massive wave of sadness again after overhearing part of a conversation between DC1 and a friend. DC1 was saying that he had no idea at all this was coming and had never seen us argue or fight. Sad

I was sure they were at least aware of the horrible atmosphere, particularly over the last few months so it's a bit of slap in the face to realise they had no idea at all and this must seem totally incomprehensible to them.

OP posts:
justilou1 · 28/05/2019 22:49

I love that pig saying... I could apply it in so many places in my life! He’s going to blame you for every predicament he finds himself in because people with personality disorders are not emotionally adult. Let’s face it, he has always blamed you, hasn’t he? It’s no different, but you get to live elsewhere and choose what you have to react to or not now. (At least as far as he knows!)

Mix56 · 29/05/2019 06:56

Justilou is right. Plus bit by bit all the admin will be changed to your name. Its a once only type of problem & now those particular boxes are now ticked.
As for petrol etc. Ignore. Stupid brattish behaviour... you were running around trying to find him most of the time... & your car is dangerous (why?)
Cancel internet provider. Its complicated changing names on those contracts anyway. He would have to provide proof that you had left, divorce papers etc or your official change of address doc etc.
As for tax, sadly i knew it would be misery thats why I mentioned it... but done now, & next year all will be separated...Grin
Honestly what you achieved in one day would be more than exhausting in any circumstances... do not run yourself ragged
Onwards & upwards...

ThinkWittyThoughts · 29/05/2019 07:03

Your mutual friend doesn't realise he is enabling your XH to abuse you. Maybe it's worth having a chat with the friend so he only shares facts you need, not emotions and opinions?

That, or use those conversations as a gentle pat on the back: you've done the right thing.

I second a PP you achieved so much in one day. Please try to schedule in some time in the next week for you to just stop and rest. You could make yourself sick if you push yourself this hard for too long. And your kids need you healthy.

Most things can wait.

caringdenise009 · 29/05/2019 07:04

He is very kindly showing your friend exactly why you had to leave him. Word will get around.

Mix56 · 29/05/2019 07:20

& don't give the bikes back.

JanuarySun · 29/05/2019 08:21

Have you heard of ring theory? www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/promoting-hope-preventing-suicide/201705/ring-theory-helps-us-bring-comfort-in
It feels like your friend is dumping their crap on you

greenwaterbottle · 29/05/2019 09:57

All of these things are one time jobs and done, they'll keep cropping up but each will be done.the friend is offloading onto you, and you don't need it. Maybe ask him to message you anything you need to know, but stress to him that you have separated so you can get away from all this. It's too much.

Original poster
jamaisjedors · 29/05/2019 11:25

You are all right. I think the friends got in to the habit of telling me everything H was saying or doing so that I could be up to date and at the start I wanted to know.

Now it's just stressing me out.

H said yesterday that it was good the friends were there to mediate between us. I said to friend that I don't think it is fair on them.

On the other hand, I would rather speak to the friends than to H directly. For example, when he got cross about me taking the DC's bikes, they told him to calm down because the kids needed to be able to go out and do things with me at the moment.

But I had nightmares all last night about H so I really need to dial it down with the updates from them about what he is saying/doing and just keep it factual.

Thanks for all the advice. x

OP posts:
CharityDingle · 29/05/2019 11:38

You poor thing, you just have so much going on. I hope that you have a therapist / somewhere that you can talk things out.

CharityDingle · 29/05/2019 12:14

It just shows his thinking is as selfish as ever. No thought for the fact that the children need their bikes, just seeing it as another point to score.

Dullardmullard · 29/05/2019 12:28

Why is your car dangerous has it now been fixed.

He isn’t friends with these folks sadly because the minute they stop sending messags back he’ll dump them or they’ll get the sulking treatment you got.

I’d disengage as much as you can now.

I found smashing old plates in my garden ( separate area) therapeutic for anger.

Your doing great

Mix56 · 29/05/2019 12:49

Maybe tell the friends that this is his way of needling you, you can justify why you used your JOINT financed car. why the boys wanted their bikes, but its really "petit" & won't make any difference to him in the immediate future. & why should the bikes stay at his, who says they is "his" to keep?
the boys can ride to school on them. You are now single parent bringing up DCs & he is absent & not participating on any level.
Could they simply make a list of his doléances anything that is important-- & send it by email? as you know this picking will not stop & you don't want them to be in the middle

HazelBite · 29/05/2019 13:52

Has it occured to your H that at the moment he is not capable of looking after/caring for the Dc's so their bikes should be with the parent who is caring for them.
He really is clutching at straws as to how hard done by he is.
I think if you analyse all these "second hand" comments of his you will realise how pathetic all of it is and how much loosing control of you all is panicking him.
You are doing so well, when things get too much for me I tell myself over and over again "this too will pass" try it it helps Flowers

Lunde · 29/05/2019 14:13

Despite his treatment he doesn't seem to have changed his underlying attitude and is continuing to demonstrate his controlling behaviour at every opportunity! Taking an inventory of the house. He seems to see everything in terms of what he possesses, owns or controls.

According to his way of thinking his children should not be allowed to use their bikes because he wants to be in charge of them - he thinks they should remain locked up at an empty house.

Have you talked to your lawyer about what happens when he is released? Can you prevent unsupervised access to the children? It doesn't sound healthy.

Fairenuff · 29/05/2019 17:38

I would ask the friend not to pass on any comments from your ex. Tell them that you do not need to know and they do not need to be caught in the middle of it.

Tell them that you know what he is like, you've lived with this for x number of years and this is exactly the reason why you left him. You just could not bear it anymore

Now you are separated you just want to get on with building a life without all the stress from him. Thank them for helping but make it clear that if you want to know something you'll ask.

Haffdonga · 29/05/2019 19:35

I agree that you need to ask your friends to stop telling you everything that H spews but it could be incredibly helpful in the future that you have these mutual friends who can liaise between you when necessary especially if you have to start discussing access to the dcs.

I'd thank them for their support of you and of H and then ask if they'd limit what they tell you to practicals that require some action (his release, money transfers, form signing).

You really are doing so well. How are your dcs?

Original poster
jamaisjedors · 30/05/2019 08:22

I think if you analyse all these "second hand" comments of his you will realise how pathetic all of it is and how much loosing control of you all is panicking him.
I noticed this and am trying to laugh at it and keep it at a distance but after all the controlling years it is hard to do.

Went round to the (old) house today and found he had locked the basement and taken away the key so I can't get at anything in there...

Trying not to let it get to me and the friends are repeating to him that I have every right to go to the house and use anything there (including the car) as it is all property in common and he doesn't get to decide what I can and can't use, particularly as I am managing everything else while he is in hospital.

I don't think it has occured to him at all about everything I am doing to keep it together - but I shouldn't be surprised - he will still see himself as the victim and I am living the high life spending all "his" money and generally enjoying myself.

OP posts:
Mix56 · 30/05/2019 08:57

Do you feel it important to have access to the basement ? what is he squirrelling away ? if you have retrieved all the items you want, don't let him get a rise from this. (unless the water/elec meters are in there ?, if this is the case you need to get a lock smith (& lock it yourself :o)

dizzy174 · 30/05/2019 11:56

can you employ someone to gain access and tell H he will be invoiced?

Mix56 · 30/05/2019 12:52

did he turn off water, or elec ? in order for you not to be able to be there comfortable ?

Mix56 · 30/05/2019 12:52

comfortably

Soverytiredofeverythinggoingon · 30/05/2019 18:50

I'd be very concerned at what he was up to, and hiding in there. And just that it's not up to him to decide to do that , you need to have just as equal access to your house, as him!

TowelNumber42 · 31/05/2019 16:24

Get a locksmith to open the basement. Your basement as much as his still. It contains your joint stuff. Don't stand for this new controlling behaviour. It will only escalate.

You have a lawyer? Tell the friend to tell DH that any requests around splitting of joint assets should go through solicitors. Say you've been advised not to negotiate through friends or even directly any more, especially given his crazy behaviour.

Original poster
jamaisjedors · 31/05/2019 18:40

Just spoken to my friend who saw H today and asked him for the key to the basement.

He refused to tell him where it is and says he has hidden it and won't give it to me. He is now saying he is going to attack me through his lawyer for the stuff I've taken from the house (barely anything).

Friend has advised me to make of everything I've taken and every event up today (and from now on) as that is what H is doing.

I will do this tomorrow and start keeping a proper diary again.

The DC are seeing their dad tomorrow with our friend who says he won't leave them alone for a minute. I'm ok with them seeing him with the friend (who they know and like and trust) because it will enable me to show I haven't blocked access and enable the DC to see for themselves how things are with their dad. I very much doubt he will be weird with them tomorrow but if they are uncomfortable they will tell me.

OP posts:
Original poster
jamaisjedors · 31/05/2019 18:43

I need to get my lawyer on to this now, the problem here is that there are bank holidays all over the place. I'll set up an appointment for next week.

OP posts: