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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

LEAVING sulking H

951 replies

jamaisjedors · 08/05/2019 21:56

I can't believe this is my third thread.

I first posted in December about my H's sulking and silent treatment - I was ready to leave then but then got persuaded to give it another go.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3448545-Confronting-DH-about-his-sulking?msgid=84022238

My second thread is where everyone helped me work through what was going on, helped IRL by individual and joint counselling.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3498886-Confronting-DH-about-his-sulking-part2?msgid=85957683

We have now made a joint decision to separate, and I have found somewhere to live.

I don't regret not leaving in January because I have had time to process a lot of things, confide in friends, and come to understand a lot of things about myself and H.

However, sometimes I think it would have been a lot easier to power my way out of the door whilst still fuelled with a lot of anger.

Right now I am mostly very very sad.

Today seemed like a reasonably good day, H and I managed to discuss childcare arrangements up til the school holidays quite calmly and sensibly.

We each spent time doing fun things with the DC and H is actually encouraging them to get a little excited about the new house and buying new furniture etc.

But I have just been hit by a massive wave of sadness again after overhearing part of a conversation between DC1 and a friend. DC1 was saying that he had no idea at all this was coming and had never seen us argue or fight. Sad

I was sure they were at least aware of the horrible atmosphere, particularly over the last few months so it's a bit of slap in the face to realise they had no idea at all and this must seem totally incomprehensible to them.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 21/05/2019 21:04

KOKO Thanks

AMALDO · 21/05/2019 21:20

Flowers I hope you and the kids enjoy your first night in your new home. Be safe xxx

MsPavlichenko · 21/05/2019 21:26

Good luck in your new home. Worth clarifying with your lawyer but I don't think you need to compensate for things taken from the old house if you can demonstrate a need for them. A table/ chairs / tv etc that your DC will use.

ohfourfoxache · 21/05/2019 21:40

Oh you are doing so well. Look at how far you’ve come since your first post - you’ve now got your own home.

You should be so proud of yourself x

HazelBite · 21/05/2019 21:45

Thanks for the update hope all goes well Flowers

Wauden · 21/05/2019 21:48

Well done, and hugs to you, Jamais.

Clutterbugsmum · 21/05/2019 21:50

Glad you and your DC are safe and Ok.

I thinking of you, KOKO

Nix32 · 21/05/2019 22:12

Glad to hear you're all ok. Hope you get a good nights sleep in your new home x

Paddy1234 · 21/05/2019 22:32

Thanks for the update and glad to hear you are all ok
💐

Wallywobbles · 21/05/2019 23:26

I can't see that you can do any more. Be warned that you'll need to crash at some point. Hyper-vigilance is exhausting. Good luck.

cstaff · 21/05/2019 23:41

I can't believe how far you have come since your first post Jamais. You have been so strong for both you and your kids.

Look after yourself OP Flowers or Wine. Take your pick.

springydaff · 22/05/2019 01:03
Flowers
ThinkWittyThoughts · 22/05/2019 05:02

I hope you all had a good first night in your new home.

We're still here if you need to vent at any point.

And yes to the PP who warned you about 'crashing'. It will come. It is normal. Try to embrace it as a way to regenerate your strength Thanks

MintyT · 22/05/2019 05:33

I have followed form the very start, and sometimes held my breath while reading. I am so relieved that you have finally moved in and are safe, good luck x

Mix56 · 22/05/2019 07:18

Crap, so who would they be releasing him to ? his sister ? Can she stay with him initially ?
Does he know that you have now left & taken "his" belongings? Because this is what he will think when he gets home.

This is not going to go well, even someone who hadn't had a breakdown would have difficulty accepting, adjusting & simply living alone in the family house after all these years.
I am sure you have questioned about what will happen if he is alone at home, off work ? either another psychotic episode rapidly, or deciding its too hard & ending it, or the wrath of God in punishing you. Obviously none of these are going to go well.
the doctors will know now that you have moved out in the interim, have they prepared him for it ?
He doesn't know where you live, right ?

Mix56 · 22/05/2019 07:31

I imagine he won't be able to drive , he will need help. Who is going to be there ?
Is there any paperwork that can be done to declare you are officially separated ?
Even if his sister stays for a while ? (is she local ?) you may find that you are legally responsable for a mentally incompetent spouse. & this is the suspicion I have had for a while, even if he did breakdown, as you said, it is useful to him

www.alexia.fr/fiche/5486/conjoint-malade.htm

Lunde · 22/05/2019 10:52

Just wanted to let you know that I am thinking about you Jamais Flowers

You have been incredibly strong throughout this whole situation and I hope that you and your kids are able to feel settled in the new house even though the way that the move had to happen is not the orderly transition that you had hoped for.

Is your H on compulsory or voluntary admission? Can he choose to leave if he wants to? I hope you have managed to get legal protections in place to make you feel safer. I'm glad that he seems to be responding well to the treatment for the psychosis. However, I expect that treatment for the underlying personality disorder will be more difficult.

Take care of yourself xx

billybagpuss · 22/05/2019 11:15

💐

FilledSoda · 22/05/2019 12:27

I'm so glad you're out !

Original poster
jamaisjedors · 22/05/2019 21:13

Bit of a worry today as we were told H could not be moved to a clinic because he has no health insurance.

In the end they have managed to help him find one and he has agreed to pay (!) so it looks like he might sign up for proper treatment which is a relief.

I had a wobble today because the friend who has been visiting him told me that H was super angry at me for telling his family he is sick. I don't know why bit of really upset me.

I have been trying to do the right thing, and worrying about him, feeding his bloody chickens, holding it together for the kids, giving books to friends for him to read, dealing with his family etc etc and then he is furious with me and suspicious of my motives

I know it's the personality disorder but it's so hard because my feelings haven't switched off just like that.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 22/05/2019 21:18

I think it's possible he is going to find any reason to be angry at you and badmouth you. It's ok to be upset by his behaviour Thanks

You need to stop going back to the house, find someone to feed the chucks?

woolduvet · 22/05/2019 21:36

Tbh I don't think anything you do will be right, he'd have to blame himself otherwise.
Rise above it with as much grace as you can muster. Tell yourself he's I'll, but not your problem and carry on separating your lives.
Your doing a grand job!

TinselAngel · 22/05/2019 21:38

Jamais, he's a twat when he's in his right mind, he's hardly going to be less of a twat now.

Another vote here for you stopping going near the house.

Fairenuff · 22/05/2019 21:40

It's because he doesn't want his 'image' to be ruined by people knowing the truth. This is what he has been like all along. This is why he couldn't cope with you leaving him - What will the neighbours say!

He is so judgemental that he fears being judged himself. Try to take a step back now and let his family deal with him. As usual, nothing you do will be good enough for him so stop trying.

NettleTea · 22/05/2019 22:20

plus the paranoia probably means he imagines that you are badmouthing him, not that you are acting with concern and to make sure that he has his family around him. Does he still think you are going to pick up the pieces?