LEAVING sulking H

[jamaisjedors]

I can't believe this is my third thread.

I first posted in December about my H's sulking and silent treatment - I was ready to leave then but then got persuaded to give it another go.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3448545-Confronting-DH-about-his-sulking?msgid=84022238

My second thread is where everyone helped me work through what was going on, helped IRL by individual and joint counselling.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3498886-Confronting-DH-about-his-sulking-part2?msgid=85957683

We have now made a joint decision to separate, and I have found somewhere to live.

I don't regret not leaving in January because I have had time to process a lot of things, confide in friends, and come to understand a lot of things about myself and H.

However, sometimes I think it would have been a lot easier to power my way out of the door whilst still fuelled with a lot of anger.

Right now I am mostly very very sad.

Today seemed like a reasonably good day, H and I managed to discuss childcare arrangements up til the school holidays quite calmly and sensibly.

We each spent time doing fun things with the DC and H is actually encouraging them to get a little excited about the new house and buying new furniture etc.

But I have just been hit by a massive wave of sadness again after overhearing part of a conversation between DC1 and a friend. DC1 was saying that he had no idea at all this was coming and had never seen us argue or fight.

I was sure they were at least aware of the horrible atmosphere, particularly over the last few months so it's a bit of slap in the face to realise they had no idea at all and this must seem totally incomprehensible to them.

Tbh I don't think anything you do will be right, he'd have to blame himself otherwise

This ^

He was someone who blamed everyone except himself before he became unwell. He will do so even more now. The stakes are so high for him....if he looked to blame himself, he would have to face himself and be unable to cope with what he sees.

You leaving him will have taken off the mask of "happily married" that he managed to hide behind. Sadly, if he can't face blaming himself, he will hate you for exposing him instead.

I am so sorry

I agree, & sadly this was always going to happen, even if he hadn't had this episode, he was never going to be generous & understanding... where would he have found those emotions ?
Of course you were going to tell his family he was unwell.
he has to blame someone, obviously it is you.
As an aside, I thought it was obligatory to have a Mutuelle now (if employed) & his employer must provide it. Unless you have your own.
It is very strange he hasn't got insurance, you said he has a serious long term health issue. Doesn't add up.

He’s bound to be angry with you, he has to blame someone! But it’s understandable that despite you doing everything you can to keep everyone safe, including him, he’s not thanking you in any way.

It’s also very telling his sister supports you and wasn’t surprised at what has happened. This has all been predictable, as is his reaction to it.

So much to take on jamais - even without this episode.

Remember you are not the fixer of everything. You are simply human - with a big heart.

It's very common for the big hearted to question their resolve and their choices when things change and even when they don't. Leaving someone so self absorbed often means there is a huge gap where your caretaking of them existed. I guess it's almost like when someone dies. There's a huge space in which you don't know how to act or what to do and it can feel very comfortable.

This may have happened to a lesser degree as he is away from you at the moment although of course the dramatics of it are surely filling your mind.

Am wishing you time to focus on yourself - to keep letting go of your previous patterns of behaviour, to observe the moments of fear, to learn that they are normal, to love yourself as much as you do/did him.

Sorry - it can feel very uncomfortable

Why did your friend tell you about his crazy anger? That's inappropriate sharing. Tell them never to do it again.

Given it has been shared, I would take it as a sign of what you have to do next. I would recommend you stop all this chicken care etc.

Tell his family it has become clear that having you do stuff for him while he is in hospital is hampering his recovery, stopping him from accepting that he drove you away and allowing him to think you might reconcile. As an act of kindness you are going to stop all support for a while and here's list of things they or his friends will have to take care of, e.g. chickens, you know they want him to get back to normal as soon as possible for the sake of himself and the children.

Perhaps drop in that when you had marriage counselling he told the therapist he would do certain things but then refused to actually do them. You are telling them because you want to alert them to his difficulty engaging with therapy so they can help him better and so they understand that you have never been able to get him to comply with psych recommendations.

For your own sake you have to detach too.

+1 to what towel said. My very first thought was why did the friend tell you that. I can only imagine how difficult all of this is, but you need to disengage as much as possible.

+1 for what Towel said from me as well

Another one saying "what towel said"

Yep agree with towel 100%

You are not responsible for him anymore.

You telling his family is sort of like a transfer of care thing. In his case, you are transferring all necessary information to those who will be caring for him next. There should be no issue with this, however, he is not of sound mind.

I will say again. You are not responsible for him anymore. It's hard to disconnect but any further engagement from you could potentially cause more damage in his recovery.

The friend telling you he is angry was alerting you to important information that you needed to know for your own safety.

In your H's sick mind you are to blame for everything happening to him. This is not rational and there is no reason to feel hurt because it is part of his mental illness, But it shows he poses a real risk to you. He is illogically furious with you so you are the target of his anger. You must avoid him and anywhere he might be.

Stop feeding the chickens because going to the old house unaccompanied is very dangerous. If he is released or escapes you may be there when he comes home unexpectedly. Inform the family that you have been told that you mustn't attend the property or communicate with him so you are handing over responsibility to them. Then stay away please

Also agree with Towel.

How are you getting on in your new home? Do your boys like it there?

Had a good day today despite only getting 4 hrs sleep.

Unpacked a lot, got my room looking slightly less like a bombsite and had new fridge and washing machine delivered.

Got semi forced into a walk with a friend who knows our new town well and it was a beautiful day so i actually saw some of it for once.

're the friend yesterday: it's hard on him because he is running round helping me and then seeing H so I don't think he really thought about telling me that H is angry, he just needed to offload and wanted to keep me up to date on H's state of mind.

In some ways it's better to know, stops me having any feelings of pity, but it felt good to take a break from all the emotions today and focus on cleaning and shopping and washing.

X

Good for you Jamais, a taste of your new life, and no atmosphere to come home to.
How lovely

I think its good to know what he is thinking/saying, Apologies in advance if I'm wrong but It doesn't mean you will run to fix it, but gives you strength in protecting yourself & resolve that its not your circus.
His family can get the chickens rehoused, get in someone to cut the grass once a week, empty the fridge & freezer, cut off electric & hot water...........
make sure bills are paid
End of your implication.

Sending you strength and sympathy and . KOKO

Glad to hear that you had a good day. That's understandable that the friend told you, it also gives you the perfect reason to hand over completely to his family now, no more chicken feeding etc.

.

Last thing to do is the taxes, doing them this afternoon with a friend and then another friend has instructions from H about the chickens, post, plants etc so I can step back.

H's family are 800km away so can't do much.

Actually felt horrible being in our old house today, I felt sick and anxious and it is lovely to get back to MY house and feel at peace, even if we have no sofa and no internet.!

Jamais glad things are progressing for you. Happy that you have your own safe haven. You've come so far and achieved so much to build a new life.

Sorry, I thought his sister was nearby.

That's good, good to hear that your new home is peaceful. Well deserved.
Hope you can get some rest and relaxation. Take care.

So pleased you feel at peace in your new house. Hope you get more sleep tonight!

Hold onto the memory of that sick feeling for when you have a wobble - you can then recall your actual response and not allow your mind to trick you into thinking it wasn't so bad. Have you ever listened to Paul McKenna? His 'I can mend your broken heart' worked incredibly well for me. It uses visualisation techniques - basically you amplify your feelings until you feel them acutely, then use the techniques to manage your response. I can't remember exactly how it works, but it certainly worked for me in switching off my longings for someone who treated me badly and replaced the longings and sadness with at first revulsion and then indifference. Powerful stuff. Best wishes for you and your children and your new life and home

Paul McKennas technique sounds very similar to the tapping techniques - often useful for helping resolve strong emotional responses.

There are youtube videos to try a little test.

Is there any chance he can be packed off to his family? They know he's ill, at least if he's 800 km away they can tell you if he leaves so you have some warning. He needs support, you are certainly not to provide it so it would be best if he was moved away while he continues treatment.

I hope you're all doing ok and that your feeling of peace continues in your new home.