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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

LEAVING sulking H

951 replies

jamaisjedors · 08/05/2019 21:56

I can't believe this is my third thread.

I first posted in December about my H's sulking and silent treatment - I was ready to leave then but then got persuaded to give it another go.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3448545-Confronting-DH-about-his-sulking?msgid=84022238

My second thread is where everyone helped me work through what was going on, helped IRL by individual and joint counselling.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3498886-Confronting-DH-about-his-sulking-part2?msgid=85957683

We have now made a joint decision to separate, and I have found somewhere to live.

I don't regret not leaving in January because I have had time to process a lot of things, confide in friends, and come to understand a lot of things about myself and H.

However, sometimes I think it would have been a lot easier to power my way out of the door whilst still fuelled with a lot of anger.

Right now I am mostly very very sad.

Today seemed like a reasonably good day, H and I managed to discuss childcare arrangements up til the school holidays quite calmly and sensibly.

We each spent time doing fun things with the DC and H is actually encouraging them to get a little excited about the new house and buying new furniture etc.

But I have just been hit by a massive wave of sadness again after overhearing part of a conversation between DC1 and a friend. DC1 was saying that he had no idea at all this was coming and had never seen us argue or fight. Sad

I was sure they were at least aware of the horrible atmosphere, particularly over the last few months so it's a bit of slap in the face to realise they had no idea at all and this must seem totally incomprehensible to them.

OP posts:
Original poster
jamaisjedors · 17/05/2019 21:28

In his current state he won't be able to move any of his direct debits and expenses from the house from the joint account to his own new account so that will need tracking from the official date I move out (which I will get certified by the police).

OP posts:
PrayingandHoping · 17/05/2019 21:34

You are coping amazingly well

I may have missed it .... but have they given any indication when he might be released and what the after care would be?

CJSmith2019 · 17/05/2019 21:37

Do take time out from work. You must be running on empty at this stage.

Original poster
jamaisjedors · 17/05/2019 21:42

They are assessing him on Monday and the doctor mentioned (to him) then moving him to a clinic which would be more suitable for him - currently he is in a very small secure unit which is very restrictive - they have to wear pyjamas all day, ask for towels, totally locked in.

The doctor thinks he would be better somewhere else and certainly the other patients are pretty scary whereas he "appears" to be coherent and functioning - but they can see he is still deluded and paranoid.

OP posts:
Misty9 · 17/05/2019 21:46

Flowers jamais I can't believe what you're going through. It certainly puts my struggles in perspective! Make sure you're taking time for you as well, and definitely expect the crash x

BecksDriver · 17/05/2019 23:33

All this must be very hard for you to deal with. You are obviously a very caring person that is still understandably concerned for your H. Take the time to look after yourselves in all this and however hard it is you have absolutely done the right thing with how you have dealt with it allThanks

Soverytiredofeverythinggoingon · 17/05/2019 23:39

Did H move all the money from the joint account when he saw the bank last week??? Or just half?

Weenurse · 18/05/2019 01:07

I can’t believe how far you have come. Well done.
One foot in front of the other and just keep moving forward.💐

SuePerbly · 18/05/2019 01:47

I don't know how the mental health HCPs work where you are. In this country, they would have to be seriously worried about someone acting on their threats before they bothered the family with them.

MH nurses and consultants are used to unwell people making claims about what they plan to do. Most of the time, risk assessments will be completed, and precautions taken, but the staff tend to know through experience when such threats are a lot of hot air.

The fact that they are taking whatever he has said to them so seriously, would here mean that they really feel he may act upon his threats.

As an ex Mental health nurse, I feel incredibly worried about the situation. Can he legally leave hospital if he decides to, or has he been effectively sectioned? He sounds as if, were he in England, he would be sectionable if he tried to leave, due to threats to others.

1moremum · 18/05/2019 01:49

Sounds like you and sulky h are doing this the best right way actually. For the children and for yourselves.

the sadness would have eventually hit in any case.

1moremum · 18/05/2019 01:54

and, I've been gone from mums net awhile and forgot how to read the dates, obviously, somethings gone terribly wrong since the opening post which wasn't today, as I misunderstood it to be.

hang in there. I do think, in the very long run, you will be glad you took the long way to get to the moving out point, and it's probably helping you though this current mess more than you realize.

Mix56 · 18/05/2019 08:12

Yes, do get signed off. It sounds like you are relieved to be out & the "blame" attenuated by his mental health problems having been diagnosed as real.
As an aside, are all the bills from your old home on direct debit ?
Is his tax return taken care of (you have another couple of weeks)
His other commitments cancelled (his charity )
He may be nonfunctionning for a long period yet.

Have a good w/e with the DC.even if it's grey & wet ...

winecigsandchoc · 18/05/2019 09:08

Yes get signed off! Take care of you and your children- that's your only priority for the next few weeks x

LizzieSiddal · 18/05/2019 09:14

Have the Police and Medical staff asked you for details of his behaviour in recent months?

If so, remember you have detailed it all in your threads here.

It may be helpful for you to go through these threads and jot down his behaviour/reactions, with dates.

justilou1 · 19/05/2019 10:30

I just wanted to check in on you and see if you have some RL friends who can provide some solid support, like wine, a meal, an ear, etc....
I imagine now that you are beginning your new life you are exhausted and all the emotions are simmering under the surface. You have had lots of great advice here, but I hope you remember to listen to the bits about accepting any help offered and looking after yourself. Your kids need you to be as physically strong as you can be, and your immune system is going to need nurturing. X

Wauden · 19/05/2019 12:05

Flowers Have you moved half of the money in the joint bank account, in case he moves it all when he is out? In his current state he might do that.

Innasnailshell · 19/05/2019 12:57

How are things for you and your DC in your new home jamais?

Hope they can detach a little from everything else that is going on and enjoy planning their rooms.

Mix56 · 20/05/2019 06:29

Another week, I hope it doesn't throw any more figurative grenades at you..
& your w/e was cathartic. the boys are OK ? Do they want to visit him?
Will you be at the meeting today?
I think he is in the perfect place, he cannot injure himself or you.
It would assume all his wrath & anger has been fixated on you & that is why they want you to keep away.
Having had apparently a major mental health episode, he won't just "snap out" of it. I hope they don't put him in some day centre. & they know that even though you are technically next of kin, his sister will need to be asked if she can become his support person. KOKO

Callistone · 20/05/2019 09:53

Oh Jamais. I've been following your story but never posted before as I had nothing helpful to say. But I wanted to tell you how incredibly strong you have been, I'm in awe of how well you have coped with all this. Wishing you all the best x

CJSmith2019 · 20/05/2019 11:38

Just thinking of you and your children. Brew

Wauden · 20/05/2019 22:15
Flowers
Mix56 · 21/05/2019 17:07

How are you ? What was the outcome of the meeting? Have they given any kind of time scale ?
I think about you frequently, how is your new home ?

Lisette1940 · 21/05/2019 18:17

💐 Jamais

Original poster
jamaisjedors · 21/05/2019 20:53

Am shattered but still standing- just..

Another hair raising day on Monday as the hospital called to say they were releasing H so I had to run around and scoop up the last of my stuff and the dc's stuff in terror.

Also saw my doctor and my psychologist.

Slept at friends last night as we had no beds yet, all sorted today and about to sleep the first night in our new house.

The dc seem well today they were scared yesterday but we have set up their rooms a bit so things are more comfortable for them.

H wasn't released yesterday to everyone relief, will explain that tomorrow.

He is in there and responding well to treatment but I worry they will release him too soon. We'll see.

We are safe and I've seen the local police to warn them.

Xxxx

OP posts:
woolduvet · 21/05/2019 21:00

Thanks for the update!