LEAVING sulking H

[jamaisjedors]

I can't believe this is my third thread.

I first posted in December about my H's sulking and silent treatment - I was ready to leave then but then got persuaded to give it another go.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3448545-Confronting-DH-about-his-sulking?msgid=84022238

My second thread is where everyone helped me work through what was going on, helped IRL by individual and joint counselling.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3498886-Confronting-DH-about-his-sulking-part2?msgid=85957683

We have now made a joint decision to separate, and I have found somewhere to live.

I don't regret not leaving in January because I have had time to process a lot of things, confide in friends, and come to understand a lot of things about myself and H.

However, sometimes I think it would have been a lot easier to power my way out of the door whilst still fuelled with a lot of anger.

Right now I am mostly very very sad.

Today seemed like a reasonably good day, H and I managed to discuss childcare arrangements up til the school holidays quite calmly and sensibly.

We each spent time doing fun things with the DC and H is actually encouraging them to get a little excited about the new house and buying new furniture etc.

But I have just been hit by a massive wave of sadness again after overhearing part of a conversation between DC1 and a friend. DC1 was saying that he had no idea at all this was coming and had never seen us argue or fight.

I was sure they were at least aware of the horrible atmosphere, particularly over the last few months so it's a bit of slap in the face to realise they had no idea at all and this must seem totally incomprehensible to them.

Have you seen or spoken to him at all ?
Good that the Psy has given her blessing to moving out.

This may or may not be genuine but it's still all about him. He's slap bang centre now with this.

Ah well, perhaps it saves him face, which has to be a good thing re you and the kids' safety. Let's hope so xx

I saw him briefly too.

It's definitely genuine, his sister is not that surprised.

It's genuine but that doesn't mean it doesn't suit H. He was asking me to sit down in his room and chat to him. And then when I was coming back and bringing him his things. He was surprised when the doctor said she wouldn't allow me to come back.

Having just looked up Paranoid Personality Disorder, it does sound like it tallies with your previous descriptions of his behaviour.

Good. Although it must be hard, just as a human being, to not want to help him, Its great that you have been told to not run to his call.
Its not because you cannot live with him any more that after all those years you can just flick a switch.

Goodness jamais - we were all so wrong. I can't imagine how difficult it must have been for you living with him and keeping him moderately balanced all those years.

I wonder how exhausted you might be feeling or perhaps it's just one big relief.

It's so good to hear that you are still putting yourself & your DC first despite this rocky road. It's interesting that his sister wasn't surprised.

I hope the time will soon come for you to appreciate the peace and calm home you are creating.

My father is undiagnosed but I suspect he has a cluster b personality disorder. I've had to detach emotionally from him over the last three years. It's very hard but you have to protect yourself and others. In my case my son was witnessing my father abuse me. It's a grieving process but you can come through it.

Oh Jamais

I'm pleased you have been told you can't see him again. For everybody's sake. He has to get through this with the support of the professionals and not you. It wont help his recovery if he is allowed any future fantasy of you being there and holding him together.

You have to be safe and that is clearly away from him and completely detached. Thank goodness you have your new home ready. Can his sister take over dealing with the hospital and bringing in his clothes etc?

It is so good that you and they DC have your new place to be in. Presumably there is no automatic 50:50 care now as I doubt (and always did) that would be in DC interests once you were no longer there to control.

I'm glad the professionals are advocating what is in your best interests.

KOKO

Sending you hugs. This must be so difficult for you.

Its not because you cannot live with him any more that after all those years you can just flick a switch

Exactly, it's very helpful to be banned from visiting, no guilt then about taking a step back.

Our mutual friend is coming over to pick up clothes etc for him.

One positive thing is getting an actual diagnosis. After reading about it briefly, it would seem that with the best will in the world you wouldn’t be able to help him. The general consensus for treatment seems to be seeing a psychoanalyst/psychiatrist.

As I know you agonised over whether or not you were minimising (or maximising) his behaviour, this not proves it was not you being overly sensitive, you can have peace of mind on that issue at the least.

I’m glad he is getting help and life will hopefully improve for all of you.

I also think it is interesting that his Sister was not surprised, do you think he has done something similar before you met him?

** this proves

He needed you, Jamais, to project his 'badness' onto so he could feel okay about himself and maintain a veneer of being okay to hide his dysfunction. When you threaten to remove yourself, or actually remove yourself, you break the coping strategy that makes him appear functional. The classic analogy for this process is the man who looks in the mirror and sees his dirty face looking back at him and sets about cleaning the mirror. You are no longer offering yourself up as the vessel for his problem. I think you've handled things so gracefully. I'm glad the psychiatrist has understood and is protecting you. From my experience in a similar but less extreme situation, ex will not or cannot give up hating me and is on a constant quest for control and revenge that has destroyed his relationship with my child. I think you need to involve services as much as possible whilst he is actively ill to protect yourself and your DSs. You and your boys really deserve a peaceful life now x

The "diagnosis" is mine but it is what the mental health teams are telling me implicitly - they asked me if he always had to be right, if he thought people were out to get him etc.

@kbPOW you are absolutely spot on, strangely enough my sister-in-law was just saying this to me on the phone.

She said the fact that he saw me as manipulative and trying to deliberately hurt or humiliate him was a reflexion of the fact that this is how HE functions.

I like the dirty mirror analogy and it also explains why he would fall apart so badly when I remove myself from his situation.

His sister is very supportive and we were able to discuss a lot of things about their parents' relationship where his dad functioned in a similar way, but his mum "submitted" to it for personal and religious reasons.

A lot of it is learned behaviour which H seemed to reject when we first met, and then as life became more stressful (jobs, house, garden, kids...) he fell back on familiar ways of functioning.

The worrying thing about the paranoia diagnosis (if they ever come out and say that) is that it correlates highly with harrassment and stalking. So yes a ring doorbell and a restraining order will be set up - a friend of mine works in the police so I will go to his station rather the one I went to yesterday and get it set up.

BTW not sure my thread title is very appropriate now!!!

It's good (and unusual) that SIL has this insight. The title is appropriate. That's what you were living with. You hoped it was a behaviour he would change. It runs much deeper than that. Restraining order is definitely the way to go. He won't necessarily be kept in for long. Thinking of you in your new home.

Is there any way you can get his computer and see his search history. Not to snoop but to see if you can find out whether he was planning anything untoward.

Interesting that you say his parents were religious and that he took a sudden shift in his behaviour towards religion. Religion also commonly features in episodes of psychosis.

I think your thread title is fine, most people reading are aware of the history leading up to this.

Don't worry, the sulking is part of his make up.
"Leaving" is the essential word

You are amazing Jamais.

Great idea to check if perhaps he googled something violent on his phone or PC

OMG jamais what a stressful time it must have been for you! I haven't lurked on the thread lately, mainly because my mother died very suddenly and I couldn't handle anything, and because you were doing so well.

I can't say I'm surprised by this turn of events though - I work in mental health and yes, the picture matches.

Stay strong, make a new life with your DCs, stay safe. Your ex is no longer your problem. He will either engage with treatment or not - his responsibility entirely.

So sorry @pointythings about your mother - it is very very hard when someone dies suddenly. I hope you are doing ok and that things will gradually improve for you again.

Interesting to hear that the picture matches, thanks for that info.

I'm thinking of asking the doctor to sign me off work for next week because there is so much still to do and I want to be around for the DC - and also I think, as some of you have said, once the adrenaline drops, I may be hit by bad fatique.

For the moment I am feeling much calmer than a couple of days ago when I could feel the terror that he might come home and the urgency of needing to leave my home in such a rush and risk losing precious memories like baby photos etc.

Now I know I need to stay calm and focus on getting everything straight and recorded for any future confrontation with H - see the police again, keep a record of money spent this week, write down any steps I take with the chronology, perhaps write a report myself of what H said in his psychotic episode in case the hospital won't give it to me, prepare for a custody battle further down the line if necessary, see my lawyer.

H's sister says she will back me up, she went through similar with an ex and knows the fear of losing your kids to someone who might be determined to make YOU out as the sick one - H keeps warning people (staff, our friend) about me and that I'm a psychopath.

He could easily say that I mistreated him and drove him mad - literally.

So preparing and making lists and spending time with the DC is the priority - and moving fully out to the new place, even if it means more driving around for me to get the DC to school (currently they have a dedicated bus).

I may even have to think about moving DC2 to the school in the new town, this was suggested by his current school.

I would move half all joint money over to you now. Only because in an unwell state he may spend all of it!

For the money H actually did this last week when he saw the bank.

What he was making a fuss about was me spending money to equip the new house, but he was also saying I couldn't take anything from the present house.

I have taken things, because I thought I needed to be out within the day, but I will make a list and then move a sum of money from the joint account (there is some left to pay various bills and direct debits which are still set up) to cover the stuff I need to buy.

I will be keeping a record of the transactions and justifications in an excel file and give it my lawyer.