LEAVING sulking H

[jamaisjedors]

I can't believe this is my third thread.

I first posted in December about my H's sulking and silent treatment - I was ready to leave then but then got persuaded to give it another go.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3448545-Confronting-DH-about-his-sulking?msgid=84022238

My second thread is where everyone helped me work through what was going on, helped IRL by individual and joint counselling.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3498886-Confronting-DH-about-his-sulking-part2?msgid=85957683

We have now made a joint decision to separate, and I have found somewhere to live.

I don't regret not leaving in January because I have had time to process a lot of things, confide in friends, and come to understand a lot of things about myself and H.

However, sometimes I think it would have been a lot easier to power my way out of the door whilst still fuelled with a lot of anger.

Right now I am mostly very very sad.

Today seemed like a reasonably good day, H and I managed to discuss childcare arrangements up til the school holidays quite calmly and sensibly.

We each spent time doing fun things with the DC and H is actually encouraging them to get a little excited about the new house and buying new furniture etc.

But I have just been hit by a massive wave of sadness again after overhearing part of a conversation between DC1 and a friend. DC1 was saying that he had no idea at all this was coming and had never seen us argue or fight.

I was sure they were at least aware of the horrible atmosphere, particularly over the last few months so it's a bit of slap in the face to realise they had no idea at all and this must seem totally incomprehensible to them.

Cant believe the turn this has taken. Take care jamais

I’ve read both of your threads from the beginning. I have to say this could be either a very manipulative move to make you the bad guy, or he has seriously had a psychotic break because his control on you has failed.

Either way he is a seriously damaged individual and you are doing the right thing getting away from him ASAP. I don’t know the systems in France but surely a man admitted to a psychiatric hospital shouldn’t have unsupervised access to his children? Would his psychiatrist support any application for a restraining order as she is concerned about his potential risk to you and your dc?

Horrendous for you and I hope you draw strength from the support here and in real life. You have come so far since you first posted. Keep going

So will the paperwork from the Hospital enable you to go back to the Police to get a restraining order?

Whatever happens, try to focus on your new life and home and how much better it will be without the oppressive atmosphere.

Best wishes for tomorrow.

Why not call his sister ? Should his family should be involved, (not sure if he should tell them himself ?) He in theory should have some dignity.
You should really not pick him up from hospital. Or fill his fridge, or answer incessant emails, or phone calls..... but,
.... The thing now is the DC will see him in distress/incapacited/sick & you may have to play it down until it calms down ? But you must not become his carer, IMHO this is what he was/has/is aiming for.
The best scenario, if you feel he has had a genuine breakdown, would be to support him by getting him help.
If it's manipulation, & he says he will commit suicide then you say "OK Whatever"
You most certainly do not ever have him in your house.

sorry, too many "shoulds" !

Hi Jamais, I have read your thread and am very worried for you and your children. Could there be a chance that he is pretending to be psychotic, in order that if he hurts either/both the kids and you, he would have a defence of being mentally unwell?

I have a really horrible gut feeling about this.

Jamais when my ex threatened to kill me and I had a recording of it I took it to the gendarmes who refused to take the complaint. I then went to the police and they did a "main courante". Which was vital in court subsequently and allowed the recording into evidence.

Can you alert your mother, work place, boss, mutual acquaintance etc not to tell him your new address?

SuePerbly is spot on.

Holy fuck, PLEASE be careful. This guy is dangerous. I’m so sorry but I don’t believe for a moment that he’s had a complete psychotic breakdown. It’s all very convenient

Does he know your new address?

Again, quick update.

H not faking, a friend has seen him and he is very lost and confused and still occasionally delirious. They will almost certainly keep him in for at least a week.

I finally slept last night which is good.

I still have a ton of stuff to do but can do it over the next week because the bulk is done.

Told the dc last night (On school's advice )that their dad was ok physically but not mentally - they seem ok but the social worker at school is going to talk to them today.

Tried to call H's sister but she was out late, her partner has taken a message and I'll speak to her tonight.

I am not becoming his carer, not one single person has suggested it and in fact everyone has encouraged me to move out asap and move on and let him heal alone amd not feel guilty.

I actually don't feel guilty, surprisingly as it's usually my default emotion!

I'm certain what I'm doing is right for me and for the dc.

@jamaisjedors
Very kind of you to keep updating.
What your going through is difficult.
Please look after yourself and be safe x

Jamais I'm hopeless with relationship advice so I'll just chip in to remind you to eat regular meals. You'll be very adrenalised so don't forget to eat good stuff.

I'm sorry that your husband is so unwell but I'm very glad you've gone. 💐

Your strength is shining through at the minute. I doubt you feel that way but your maternal instincts are kicking in and you know you need to keep your children and yourself safe.
I'm sorry to read about the turn of events but it sounds like you are handling it and doing what needs to be done. He obviously didn't think you would ever leave him and this has messed with his mind but that is no longer your problem which seems like you now know. It's good you've a lot of support by the sounds of it. Keep going, you will have wobbly moments but you have this. Good luck with the next few days we are all behind you.

Jamais, you sound so composed, Well done for your resolve.
He will be on various medication, so coming across as lost/confused/delirious etc is to be expected.

Strange he is this way when first of all they said there was nothing wrong with him.

I'm delighted to hear that everyone is on board agreeing that you can't stay with him - external pressure can be a bitch at times like this.

I'm also pleased that you got to move out without having to worry about him hanging around making sad faces or (worse) following you to your new home. One small silver lining from what sounds like a hideous situation.

for you.

Wow! This is what happens to a controlling man when he finally loses control.

Just make sure you follow all advice 're. Keeping yourself and the children safe.

This "episode" isn't going to just go away though, Once he is deemed safe to go home, he will find his home empty & part of the furniture gone etc. he will not be able to accept or cope with that.

I'm sure the medical professionals will be made aware of that mix so they can adequately prepare and support him when he returns home.

Plus jamais is trying to get hold of his sister so hopefully family will also be there for him.

I'm so glad that everything is reasonably ok jamais. You are doing so wonderfully and as a PP said, I'm sure a lot of it is maternal instinct kicking in, your need to protect your kids.
It's not what you'd call a perfect ending by any means but you are safe and DC are safe. You are free from him and you have been ever so strong.

Make sure you take care of yourself. Good hearty meals and lots of time with the DC

Psychotic breakdowns can be triggered by significant life events- @jamaisjedors DONT feel guilty, I know you say you aren't but you might at some point.

I just wanted to bring another perspective to the thread to the other posters saying it's "convenient" etc. Stay strong OP. You are doing all the right things.

This is him and nothing to do with your actions. You are not responsible for how he reacts to a situation that you have tried to handle sensitively.

Do not let guilt kick in.

Spoken to his sister who is very supportive. In fact his mother knew something was wrong when he spoke to her on Sunday.
She is telling the rest of his family.

Just seen the psychiatrist for a very brief time. She was concerned about me and asked about our marriage.

She advised me not to come back and to move out but tell H what I am doing so he can't say he hasn't been warned.

As far as I can see it looks like he has paranoid personality disorder, it all fits with his character til now, and this psychotic episode is an extreme version of it.

Jamais

Is he accepting treatment? Is there medication that can help him?