LEAVING sulking H

[jamaisjedors]

I can't believe this is my third thread.

I first posted in December about my H's sulking and silent treatment - I was ready to leave then but then got persuaded to give it another go.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3448545-Confronting-DH-about-his-sulking?msgid=84022238

My second thread is where everyone helped me work through what was going on, helped IRL by individual and joint counselling.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3498886-Confronting-DH-about-his-sulking-part2?msgid=85957683

We have now made a joint decision to separate, and I have found somewhere to live.

I don't regret not leaving in January because I have had time to process a lot of things, confide in friends, and come to understand a lot of things about myself and H.

However, sometimes I think it would have been a lot easier to power my way out of the door whilst still fuelled with a lot of anger.

Right now I am mostly very very sad.

Today seemed like a reasonably good day, H and I managed to discuss childcare arrangements up til the school holidays quite calmly and sensibly.

We each spent time doing fun things with the DC and H is actually encouraging them to get a little excited about the new house and buying new furniture etc.

But I have just been hit by a massive wave of sadness again after overhearing part of a conversation between DC1 and a friend. DC1 was saying that he had no idea at all this was coming and had never seen us argue or fight.

I was sure they were at least aware of the horrible atmosphere, particularly over the last few months so it's a bit of slap in the face to realise they had no idea at all and this must seem totally incomprehensible to them.

I'm glad he been found and is a safe place getting help.

I hope you and your dc are safe and well. And can get rest.

I do think he had a psychotic break because he has lost control of his family and doesn't have any other coping mechanisms. His sulking was his coping and controlling mechanism.

KBPOW, None whatsoever, whatever is that supposed to insinuate? all angles merit thinking about. Abusive people can & DO plan & get massively obsessed by "winning" their battle.

I was going to ask if it was possible to discover from his secretary/office if he showed up in sandals. if not it shows he did have a change of shoes.
He deliberately left his wallet, phone & computer at work,
The hospital did discover however his name because the police found him.
Why wouldn't they let his wife see him ?

jamais I think that you &/or police need to try & see the doctors he has spoken to & discover what he has been saying/doing.
He will discover the address of your new house sooner or later, (he can follow you, get someone else to follow you, follow dc) If he has become so obsessed & psychotic a restriction order be meaningless.
Meanwhile KOKO, I'm so glad you have support & friends.

I misread, that was not your post, sorry kbPOW

unfortunately, I have real knowledge of a man (actually a police man) who would not let go of his abused companion. He ended up shooting 2 innocent friends of his X wife who he had been stalking,
The manipulation, & twisted schemes he plotted to get her back were similar to this.

Mix56 unfortunately so do I

we shouldnt be surprised or ambivilent to the danger - after all 2-3 women a week die at the hands of their current or ex partner in the UK, and leaving /attempting to leave is the most common trigger.

I think the secretary would have highlighted the sandals by the time they were being questioned as to his whereabouts, so assuming he has taken them.

Planned.

Not spur of the moment.

As with all the rest of the scenario.

It HAD to be spectacular because of the impact on his outward illusion of being the most decent man on the planet. Because nobody would leave a man like that, and he wouldnt be able to control what she said about why they broke up to other people.

A complete psychotic breakdown will garner sympathy and concern, and paint her as evil for leaving him in such a vulberable state, if it doesnt guilt her into going back to look after him. It means that he can dismiss anything she says about his behaviour as indications of how unwell he was. It centers him in everything thats going on and casts him the victim role.

My concerns are exactly that of others - what happens when he realises that she is pushing ahead with leaving him.

You need to be hugely proactive in protecting yourself and your children.

I agree with everything Lunde said.

And NettleTea.

I'm so glad you're safe, I was worried he was going to turn up and hurt you or the DC.

Does he know your new address? Make sure the landlord doesn't tell him if he does.

I echo pp concern about dc as well as you. If he is either having a breakdown or capable of faking one he could easily hurt or kill the dc as well as you. I am not wishing to scare you, but I would rather scare you needlessly than not and have anybody hurt. Family annihilators are a thing, even if he seems better, be on your guard.

In my situation things escalated very quickly. Please take all steps to protect yourself, your dc and your property OP.
If there is any chance he could get access to any sort of weapon please tell the hospital staff and police now.

Wow - thanks for the update - was definitely getting worried.
So pleased you will soon be in your new home.
KOKO.
(((((HUGS)))))

Very glad to read update that everyone is safe.
I am glad you have moved as this seems safest.
Take care 💐

Spent the morning at the school warning them about H in case he is let out on Friday.

Then saw a social worker there who also talked about a restraining order. She sent me to the police but they said they couldn't do a restraining order because there was nothing to go on.

They said I could ask for him to be kept at the psych hospital though, as a family relative and that would be the best option. They said my family doctor could back up this request.

I have spoken to my lawyer and she has told me what paperwork I need to get from the hospital when I see the doctor on Friday lunchtime.

Now I need to continue packing, my colleague's husband is coming later with a van to move some more furniture and boxes and I will do the last of it tomorrow.

Can the police ask at the hospital if he could be dangerous?
If not could your GP ask what has been going on at the hospital ?
It rather depends what he has been saying/doing in hospital don't you think ? then if GP says he's been threatening, (or not,) that could help with police doing a restraining order.
But as I said, it won't be worth the paper it's written on if this is all deliberate.

Be ready for feeling awful once the actual move has happened, at the moment you are running on adrenalin, there will be a "contre coup".
What have you told DCs ?

Is the shrine still there? Take photos to show his doctors. Also a written timeline of his breakup, including the sandals. If you can ask someone at his work if they can remember what he was wearing on his feet, that would be great, too - just to see whether he’s genuinely lost it or if he’s more malignant. I hope he hasn’t been released before Friday lunchtime!

Also, you’re not collecting him from hospital are you?

Goodness me Jamais, I’ve followed your threads on and off since the very beginning. I can’t believe the way this one has turned. I’m very glad that you and the DC are safe, wishing you so much happiness in your new home

jamais, can I suggest that you talk to police/psychiatrist/social worker, about whether this situation calls for a MARAC - multiagency risk assessment conference. Reducingtherisk.org.uk has more information about this. KOKO

Nothing to offer except thinking of you and your children.

Walkacrossthesand

I think Jamais is in France so the laws will be different to here.

this might help: stop-violences-femmes.gouv.fr/IMG/pdf/Violence_48_pages_20_10-2.pdf

they say they can't help as there are no grounds... because he has not yet been violent. You automatically in the mind set, of I have no bruises, he hasn't injured me. but he has been abusive for years. this will be the point where you need to ask for a person who deals with domestic abuse.

Bloody hell OP you've really been through the worst time recently - I am so sorry but I'm glad to hear of your real life support - so many people will rally around you to help I promise.

We are here whenever you need us, no obligation or pressure to, but I'm sure everyone would love to hear from you if / when the time is right.

Your kids sound fantastic as do you.

Hopefully he can get the help he needs from highly trained professionals - just think you kept it together long enough without their help - you are AMAZING and it's your turn to get support from friends and family too.

Sending lots of love x

Yea please request a MARAC or the French equivalent OP.

I really feel for you all :( Sending hugs

When you get a moment to breathe, remember this will all hit you and it's ok not to be ok. Look after yourself.