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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

LEAVING sulking H

951 replies

jamaisjedors · 08/05/2019 21:56

I can't believe this is my third thread.

I first posted in December about my H's sulking and silent treatment - I was ready to leave then but then got persuaded to give it another go.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3448545-Confronting-DH-about-his-sulking?msgid=84022238

My second thread is where everyone helped me work through what was going on, helped IRL by individual and joint counselling.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3498886-Confronting-DH-about-his-sulking-part2?msgid=85957683

We have now made a joint decision to separate, and I have found somewhere to live.

I don't regret not leaving in January because I have had time to process a lot of things, confide in friends, and come to understand a lot of things about myself and H.

However, sometimes I think it would have been a lot easier to power my way out of the door whilst still fuelled with a lot of anger.

Right now I am mostly very very sad.

Today seemed like a reasonably good day, H and I managed to discuss childcare arrangements up til the school holidays quite calmly and sensibly.

We each spent time doing fun things with the DC and H is actually encouraging them to get a little excited about the new house and buying new furniture etc.

But I have just been hit by a massive wave of sadness again after overhearing part of a conversation between DC1 and a friend. DC1 was saying that he had no idea at all this was coming and had never seen us argue or fight. Sad

I was sure they were at least aware of the horrible atmosphere, particularly over the last few months so it's a bit of slap in the face to realise they had no idea at all and this must seem totally incomprehensible to them.

OP posts:
justilou1 · 15/05/2019 20:52

So glad you’re all okay. (Even him!) I have been so worried about you all!

ContessaIsOnADietDammit · 15/05/2019 20:56

Genuinely relieved to hear that Jamais - thank you for updating.

You'll probably feel liberated once you've moved out, and possibly guilty for feeling liberated. I just wanted to say, you have nothing to feel guilty about at all (hopefully you aren't feeling that anyway but, you know, just in case)!

Fairenuff · 15/05/2019 20:56

When he is well enough to see the children, I would push for supervised contact.

What a horrible time you have had to endure. It could all have been so simple and amicable if he had just respected you and your boundaries. He literally could not cope with you saying no to him.

Just got to keep you and the children safe now.

Mix56 · 15/05/2019 21:00

Oh jamais, thank goodness he hasn't injured himself or you.
There have been so many things that have been going through my mind;
Thinking this could be a set up so you would feel obliged to look after him.
I believe by french law you cannot divorce someone who is dépendant due to mental illness (could be wrong) or
To go missing so that you wouldn't take the new house, amongst other scenarios.
I am convinced he has conjured up this psychosis, if it doesn't stop you leaving God knows what his next tactic will be.
Have the kids have glossed over the situation?
You are one strong woman....Thanks

Dullardmullard · 15/05/2019 21:00

To put your mind at rest he’ll have had no ID on him hence the delay.

You take care now and post to vent if it helps.

Lisette1940 · 15/05/2019 21:01

Jamais much respect and love. Thank you for taking the time to update the thread. X

WhoKnewBeefStew · 15/05/2019 21:03

Glad you’re ok op...

As other pp have said, ensure it’s supervised contact with the dc until all the health professionals are happy

Elaisa · 15/05/2019 21:07

I've been lurking your story from the first thread and been refreshing this one all day to see that you and DC are ok!

After those last days it's not important if this was just an attempt from him to get you back down or he truely had a mental breakdown. After all the seperation would cost you the same as it would for him regarding assets and time spent with your DC.

I do believe you already know that it's not safe to help him in this time or your DC to have a unsupervised contact with him. Even if you love the man you once married and still love the good parts of him, you can't be a part of his life until his stable again. It just isn't safe for you all! I hope you have all the help from the police and doctors. Isn't it telling that his psychologist told you what she did? After all your not her patient!

And I'm so glad that you got your house keys this week, couldn't been a better timing!

GlossyTaco · 15/05/2019 21:08

As a pp has said , please push for supervised contact. The courts may agree as you have evidence of his instability.

My abusive exh was made to have a particular relative with him (I could've pushed for a contact centre instead) when he saw the children , this was after he attempted suicide shortly after I left. It stayed this way until a few months had passed and he agreed to a psychiatric evaluation at the suggestion of my solicitor.

HazelBite · 15/05/2019 21:25

Just come out from lurking to say how glad I am that you are okay, hope the move goes well Flowers

caringdenise009 · 15/05/2019 21:29

I'm glad he is alive and receiving treatment. That is wonderful news.

For his therapist to not quite break confidentiality and tell you that she feared for your safety is terribly worrying. Please do not let your children be alone with him. Report this to your legal team. You are not using anything against him, you are protecting your children. This could still be a ruse to protect himself from being responsible . The psychiatric team originally said there was nothing wrong with him, and nothing they could do.... He gets that news and obviously did something to convince them otherwise. He is manipulating the situation.

JudgeRulesNutterButter · 15/05/2019 21:34

You may consider asking the psych or the hospital ward manager to get in touch with the police DV people to explain the situation. The police may be able to install a panic alarm and/or emergency trigger to your phone number.

I was just coming back to this thread to say the same. It doesn’t sound like the police & medical staff are communicating much, make sure you’re passing on the information that the police need to know to keep you safe. Better to be too cautious than not cautious enough. Flowers

PlinkPlink · 15/05/2019 21:41

Oh gosh, what a relief to hear things are reasonably well I.e. no one is harmed.
I was genuinely worried that he would have done something serious and I've been thinking about you all day.

I'm so glad the flat is sorted and the kids are excited. I'm also very glad to hear that the professionals at the hospital have been clear and said that you shouldn't be alone with him, particularly now.

Stay safe @jamaisjedors
We are all behind you x

Haffdonga · 15/05/2019 21:42

Thank God you are all ok.

Please take the psych staff warnings very seriously. They have said it is not safe for you to be alone with him. They may not be able to tell you exactly what he has been saying but it does sound as if he has made specific threats towards you.

Even if you want to help him for the dcs' sake you CAN'T. Try and detach yourself mentally and emotionally from him now and start thinking of him as not your problem, not connected to you.

Go live your new happy life, Jamais. Flowers

MotherofTerriers · 15/05/2019 21:44

Please take photos of the shrine he made too, and pass on to your lawyer as well as his medical team.

MoviesT · 15/05/2019 21:46

So glad you are okay Jamais. And that he is at least alive although of course the circumstances could be better and less worrying for you.

He obviously relied so much on the controlled world he created through his sulking and can’t cope now that it’s over. Whether he is manipulating the situation (as some suspect he may be) or not, it seems that you need to be very careful to protect your safety and that of your DCs. I am so very glad for you that you were ready to move into your new home.

Keep safe.

caringdenise009 · 15/05/2019 21:55

Absolutely agree you should take pictures of the shrine if you still can.

ThinkWittyThoughts · 15/05/2019 22:13

Thank God you are safe. All of you, even H.
I am still thinking of you and sending all the positive strength to you.

I'm so very glad the new house is ready and the boys are coping well. Keep on keeping on.

Thanks
Lunde · 15/05/2019 22:27

Jamais I am very relieved for you that he has turned up in a safe place and that he is getting professional help so that you can step back. I am glad that you and the kids have been able to expedite your move and that you have friends around you helping and supporting through this difficult time.

There is however one thing that struck me in your most recent post. This was the hospital's initial diagnosis that there was nothing wrong/nothing they could do. It struck me that the amount of cognitive ability through thought and planning that went on before the breakdown seems inconsistent with a psychosis. For example:

  • making the creepy/weird comments to you e.g. about "finding peace" on Saturday -aimed at scaring you
  • on Sunday he spent a day moving your things out of the bedroom to create his shrine - aimed to scare
  • the bible reading with the kids - scaring the kids
  • deliberately removing his key and leaving it for you to find - to scare you
  • yet on Monday morning being able to go about his business of psychologist appointments and going to work before leaving to a public place to breakdown
It almost feels like a stage-managed breakdown designed to manipulate and guilt you. I was talking to a MHCP today and he said that these level of planned developments and ability to function are unusual in psychosis and more common in psychopaths.

What I am saying is that you should be very wary that his current actions are a huge escalation - manipulation, a tantrum and sulk on a huge scale possibly with the intention to stop you leaving. He may represent a real danger to you and the kids. The fact that the hospital and psychologist have warned you that you are at risk from him is a HUGE red flag. You need to make it clear to the MHCPs that you are divorcing and you cannot be responsible for him or play any part in his treatment. You need to get your lawyer to work on sole custody of the kids until he is stabilized and a restraining order before he is discharged on Friday.

Good luck with the new house

ALovingSpirit · 15/05/2019 22:28

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FireFighter999 · 15/05/2019 22:30

Its good your husband is getting the help he needs, but please do not let this be the reason why you go back to him. You need to make that clean break, you are doing amazing.

Quartz2208 · 15/05/2019 22:33

Lunde is right you need a restraining order and sole custody and do not tell him where you are

And be very careful with school pick up and drop offs as well

It may sound unnecessary but I can tell you from the experience of a friend it can escalate v quickly

kbPOW · 15/05/2019 22:49

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timeisnotaline · 15/05/2019 22:59

As well as speaking to the police you need to make sure you have some cctv / a ring doorbell installed I think and perhaps some other safety precautions in the flat.a landline, don’t let your phone go flat? The dc need to understand they can’t go anywhere with him if he turns up and to phone you// someone trusted. I’m glad to hear the update too thank you for that.

Soverytiredofeverythinggoingon · 15/05/2019 23:15

Thank god you and the DCs are safe. Have been so worried today. Thank you for giving us an update, even though it must have been a hugely stressful and overwhelming few days for you xxx