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Original poster

What a mess. DH or alone?

133 replies

HorseChestnutLocks · 08/05/2019 18:58

I’m expecting to be flamed but I really don’t know what to do for the best.

I have possibly been having an emotional affair with a male friend for the past 10 months. I completely adore him and would love to be in a relationship with him. I don’t know if he feels the same way about me but I think he had feelings at least at one point, 5-6 months ago, because he was tortured about possibly not seeing me anymore. He phones me secretly when he’s alone. We talk about everything including my relationship problems.

We’re both married with children.

Obviously this relationship has massively impacted my marriage. Things had been not right for a long time (DH cheated once before we got married, I have had a series of crushes during the marriage which stopped before I conceived my first child, we have sexual problems). I stopped having any kind of sex with my husband when I realised I had developed strong feelings for my friend. It sounds ridiculous but I felt like having sex with DH would be a betrayal of OM. And yes, of course he’s having sex with his wife.

So now I’m in a situation where I’m still pining for my friend. I see him every 6-8 weeks and we text/speak on the phone every few days.

My gut feeling tells me that he’s in love with me but he’s an excellent person and would never leave his wife and children.

My DH doesn’t know about him. I don’t want to break up the family and I don’t feel strong enough to break up with DH. He’s a very dominant person and I’m a bit scared of him. He has already told me that he would try to get more than half of our assets.

DH and I get along okay in day to day life but he wants us to have sex and I don’t want to. I feel like I’m on a ticking time bomb. Either I:

Divorce him

  • upset DH
  • upset children
  • struggle financially
  • have to move house
  • have to share custody of my lovely children and not see them half the time
  • have a likely acrimonious time with DH re finances/assets
  • be lonely initially
  • have the chance to meet a totally new person and fall in love with them.

Stay in the marriage

  • everyone except me is happy
  • more secure
  • risk regretting it later
  • have to have sex when I don’t want to (will it get easier?)

So I don’t know what to do. I love my children. I miss my friend... I want to be with him as much as possible but I know it can never come to anything.

What should I do wise ones?

OP posts:
Jon65 · 08/05/2019 19:00

What would you do if you didnt have your friend? Is the marriage unhappy anyway?

Ratbagcatbag · 08/05/2019 19:02

Honestly. Life is too short to just stay if you're not happy.
I'd leave and make my own way. That's what I did, and I don't regret it. I didn't have the emotional affair, but I think I would have easily done if I'd stayed.

lovinglifexo · 08/05/2019 19:02

if a relationship doesn’t make u happy leave

Passtherioja · 08/05/2019 19:04

Be prepared to be on your own.

f83mx · 08/05/2019 19:05

You need to go, the fact you’ve been kind of “tempted” more than once speaks volumes of you trying to find an escape route. Honestly breaking up as cleanly as you can before you “properly cheat” would be best for everyone, not easy..... but best in long run.

Original poster
HorseChestnutLocks · 08/05/2019 19:08

If I hadn’t met my friend then I’d have ticked along not knowing any better. But since I met my friend, it’s like 70% of the time we’re freakily similar in a way that I have never had with anyone else. We both like the same obscure films and books, have both visited the same obscure place, finish each other’s sentences, etc. He told me that his wife thinks we’re twins. Then the remaining 30% we’re complete opposites in a very complimentary way. When we’re together I become extremely feminine and he becomes extremely masculine. I’m soft/gentle to his rough/ruggedness. I’m all about the heart, he’s all about the head. It’s like we’re the same and opposite at the same time. We speak at the same time. It feels like we were separated at birth. Maybe it’s a vanity thing...meeting the reflection of ourselves.

So no, the marriage wasn’t massively unhappy before but it’s like it was in black and white and I didn’t know any better. But with my friend the world is in technicolour. And that’s very hard to give up. That’s why we are still friends and why I suspect neither of us has stopped the friendship.

I should add that he always draws the truth out of me. We have amazing communication unlike anything I have ever experienced before. Including about sex.

OP posts:
NeatFreakMama · 08/05/2019 19:14

I would try to think about it by leaving the friend out of the scenario. Do you want to be with your DH?

Lifeisabeach09 · 08/05/2019 19:14

OP, either cease contact with your friend and make things work with your husband or leave your husband. It'll be hard but you won't be miserable even if you can't be with your friend.

A good solicitor will help with the assets--he is unlikely to get as much as he thinks.

Original poster
HorseChestnutLocks · 08/05/2019 19:16

Ratbagcatbag, I’m scared about hurting my children and giving up something not that bad for nothing. If it was a choice between DH and my friend then I would do it. But it has to be a choice between DH and nothing.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 08/05/2019 19:16

I very strongly believe you should stop all communication with your friend. Immediately. You should then get into therapy as soon as humanly possibly, and during this time, I think you should keep your family intact.

Of course you want to be happy, and you should be, but I don't think you even know what that is to you. You feel very strongly for this other man but it's built on a foundation of sand. It's just not reality. It is very easy to get lost in a emotionally-fueled fantasy that clouds all reason. This man is not leaving his family for you. Sadly, I think both of you are addicted to the thrill of your secret relationship and want to be in love more than you really are.

Get into therapy and figure out who you really are. If in 6 months, a year, whatever, you want to end your marriage, then do so. At least then you would be making a massive decision for the right reasons, not based on fantasy.

Justbreathing · 08/05/2019 19:17

It’s highly unlikely he will leave his wife. Most men are happy with the “unrequited love” aspect. But actually taking the plunge and going for it, very unusual. You’re meeting his needs at the moment, and that’s probably all he needs. But it’s clear that your needs are not being met.

So if you leave your H you will be leaving to be on your own, you might hope that something happens with this other guy, but it’s about a 1 in a thousand chance. Men don’t even leave for the love of their life, if their current set up isn’t horrendous.

So are you happy to be on your own? With just some crumbs of affection from a man who won’t really give anything up to be with you.

I think you need to block contact with this guy. And work out what it is you really need. You were having sex with your DH before this started, so it’s not like you were in an utterly sexless miserable marriage.
And neither is he.

Original poster
HorseChestnutLocks · 08/05/2019 19:18

NeatFreakMama, I don’t dislike DH. But I don’t feel the way I do about my friend. With my friend I want to hold him, kiss him, love him, make love to him. I want my friend to be happy. I want to devote my life to making my friend happy. I don’t feel like that about DH.

OP posts:
DameFanny · 08/05/2019 19:18

Don't stay with a man you're frightened of because he threatens you

But don't leave to be with your friend - he may never be available

Leave to build a solid life for you and your children, free of fear. Get a shit hit lawyer and your ducks in a row.

Original poster
HorseChestnutLocks · 08/05/2019 19:20

Aquamarine1029, DH and I had couples counselling but it didn’t help. We have tried it twice. We don’t communicate very well because of my fear of confrontation. It’s weird though because I don’t have that problem with my friend.

OP posts:
Senseiwu · 08/05/2019 19:22

Your description of your friendship with this guy is weird. You sound limerent. Why are you talking about sex?

Original poster
HorseChestnutLocks · 08/05/2019 19:23

Justbreathing, I know that my friend will never leave. I was considering just being his friend long term in case his relationship broke down for other reasons.

Our sex life has always been terrible with several 18 month spells of complete abstinence.

OP posts:
Justbreathing · 08/05/2019 19:23

You’re using your friend in your head as an escape route. Then you don’t have to think too hard about your actual marriage.
He’s your knight in shining armour, ready to save you from your unhappiness

It doesn’t work. Sorry. But it just doesn’t. Trust me. I did the same as you. And as much as I told myself I was leaving because I was unhappy and fine to be on my own. I wasn’t, i wanted my friend to save me. And he couldn’t. Because he was involved for just as many fucked up reasons as me.

Aquamarine1029 · 08/05/2019 19:23

NOT couple's counselling. Therapy for you and you alone. You need to get yourself in the right path. Couple's therapy would be useless at this point.

category12 · 08/05/2019 19:24

Go and see a solicitor and find out your options on the quiet. Your DH is very unlikely to get more of the assets than you and there's no reason it has to end up 50/50 residency. Have a good old scout round for financial information. Once you've got the facts at your fingertips, make an informed decision then.

You shouldn't have sex you don't want, and your DH shouldn't be stuck in a sexless marriage.

As for the OM, you should really break off contact. It's not fair on his wife.

snowdrop6 · 08/05/2019 19:24

Aquamarine 1029..puts it brilliantly,job done

Original poster
HorseChestnutLocks · 08/05/2019 19:25

I don’t feel limerent Senseiwu. I see my friend’s flaws. I think it started as a crush but over time it became a calm deep loving feeling. I want what’s best for my friend.

I think we talk about sex because we have a sexual attraction to each other and there’s no outlet for each other so we end up talking about sex (not about having it with each other) in a more abstract way.

OP posts:
Strongteaplease · 08/05/2019 19:26

Go with what your heart tells you and what deep down you feel is right. If you want to be with the other man, tell him how you feel ...he's the only one that can help you make your choice. Sometimes we have to take a risk to be truly happy and this chance might never come again.

waltersdog · 08/05/2019 19:27

Your friend won't leave his wife, he's enjoying the attention but you need to be realistic, he isn't yours. You're looking at the relationship through rose tinted glasses - the reality would be 2 broken marriages and all the ensuing bitterness and fallout.
Your issue is your own marriage and the only way you can focus on that is to cut contact with your 'friend' as he's your distracting fantasy. Only then can you concentrate on what is the right thing to do.

Original poster
HorseChestnutLocks · 08/05/2019 19:27

I can see the merit in counselling for myself but I think I understand where this has all come from already. I don’t think I would repeat the pattern in another relationship.

OP posts:
Ratatatouille · 08/05/2019 19:28

OP, firstly search some threads on limerence.

In practical terms, you need to separate the issues of your husband and this other man. The first consideration should be your marriage. Regardless of what happens with OM, your husband and yourself both deserve better than a marriage where you are no longer in love and are fantasising about other people on an obsessive level. If you are sure that you do not love your husband, or you feel that he is abusive/controlling, or you feel there are issues you are unwilling to work through, you should end the marriage. Life is too short to be miserable.

Once you have decided where your marriage stands, then you can think about OM. If you are going to work at your marriage (obviously with equal effort from your husband) then you need to cease all contact with OM. If you are separating from your husband than you are free to pursue OM, although you should give consideration to the ethics of pursuing a man who is married with children. Is that the kind of person you want to be? The odds are that he is just flattered by the attention you pay him, likes the ego trip and enjoys the knowledge that he has easy access to extra marital sex should he wish to take the plunge as it were. Experience and common sense tells me that if he loved you, he wouldn't be enjoying all the benefits of marriage (including a sex life) with his wife whilst sexting you a couple of times a week on the side.

It would be wrong to explore the possibilities with OM and then decide whether to stay with your DH based on whether OM will have you. That's very cruel.