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Original poster

What a mess. DH or alone?

133 replies

HorseChestnutLocks · 08/05/2019 18:58

I’m expecting to be flamed but I really don’t know what to do for the best.

I have possibly been having an emotional affair with a male friend for the past 10 months. I completely adore him and would love to be in a relationship with him. I don’t know if he feels the same way about me but I think he had feelings at least at one point, 5-6 months ago, because he was tortured about possibly not seeing me anymore. He phones me secretly when he’s alone. We talk about everything including my relationship problems.

We’re both married with children.

Obviously this relationship has massively impacted my marriage. Things had been not right for a long time (DH cheated once before we got married, I have had a series of crushes during the marriage which stopped before I conceived my first child, we have sexual problems). I stopped having any kind of sex with my husband when I realised I had developed strong feelings for my friend. It sounds ridiculous but I felt like having sex with DH would be a betrayal of OM. And yes, of course he’s having sex with his wife.

So now I’m in a situation where I’m still pining for my friend. I see him every 6-8 weeks and we text/speak on the phone every few days.

My gut feeling tells me that he’s in love with me but he’s an excellent person and would never leave his wife and children.

My DH doesn’t know about him. I don’t want to break up the family and I don’t feel strong enough to break up with DH. He’s a very dominant person and I’m a bit scared of him. He has already told me that he would try to get more than half of our assets.

DH and I get along okay in day to day life but he wants us to have sex and I don’t want to. I feel like I’m on a ticking time bomb. Either I:

Divorce him

  • upset DH
  • upset children
  • struggle financially
  • have to move house
  • have to share custody of my lovely children and not see them half the time
  • have a likely acrimonious time with DH re finances/assets
  • be lonely initially
  • have the chance to meet a totally new person and fall in love with them.

Stay in the marriage

  • everyone except me is happy
  • more secure
  • risk regretting it later
  • have to have sex when I don’t want to (will it get easier?)

So I don’t know what to do. I love my children. I miss my friend... I want to be with him as much as possible but I know it can never come to anything.

What should I do wise ones?

OP posts:
thinkingcapon · 08/05/2019 19:57

I'm out
This is a total farce, makes a mockery of marriage and I'm angry with myself for commenting!!

Original poster
HorseChestnutLocks · 08/05/2019 19:58

I’m not 100% about how he feels and am very willing to consider he feels nothing. But his actions make me suspect otherwise. He almost cried when he thought he wasn’t going to see me again, it was like he was tortured. He phones me whenever he’s alone for up to 90 minutes at a time.

He could well be just wanting to keep me keen while feeling nothing himself but I would be surprised if that were the case. I think he’d just cut contact if he had no feelings.

OP posts:
KOKOtiltomorrow · 08/05/2019 19:59

This is just weird wrt to the wife being there when you meet etc. Sounds like he is taking both of you for mugs. I feel really sorry for her .....she must be so scared of your EA that she is letting herself be humiliated like this. And what you are doing is simply hideous. Sort out your own marriage or leave it.....but stay the hell out of his.

DameFanny · 08/05/2019 19:59

So But he wants to see me so he has arranged several meetings. I told him that I didn’t want to but he kept pushing and saying that it wasn’t difficult as I had claimed. In the end I gave in. your 'friend' is also trampling over your boundaries.

You need help OP - maybe a counsellor, maybe the Freedom Programme as you really don't seem to have a healthy picture of relationship dynamics. But please see someone who's not trying to mess with your head Flowers

Original poster
HorseChestnutLocks · 08/05/2019 20:00

I don’t think he gets a thrill from it at all. I think he cares about me and is trying to do the right thing by meeting up with her there too.

OP posts:
PepsiLola · 08/05/2019 20:02

Why would you meet him with his wife?

Sounds like he's trying to tell you something there....

waltersdog · 08/05/2019 20:03

The 'right thing' would be not having secret phone calls and having an emotional affair behind his wife's back. You're either totally deluded or on a wind up. If true, then I feel for his poor wife.

Original poster
HorseChestnutLocks · 08/05/2019 20:05

The problem is that I couldn’t say, I don’t want to meet you with your wife because it would be difficult for me because I have feelings for you. I heavily hinted but he kept saying ‘it’s not difficult’. I think he just wanted the subtext to go away and still see me. I know the whole thing sounds messed up.

OP posts:
Original poster
HorseChestnutLocks · 08/05/2019 20:08

PepsiLola he has already said he’s committed to the family unit. But he also says other things that create mixed messages.

Yes I think he was trying to convince himself and everyone else that he’s a committed family man.

So why keep phoning me in secret?

He also arranged to meet me alone once for coffee and made out that we had bumped into each other, even though he had called me to arrange it. I think he wants to see me but it clashes with his self image.

OP posts:
slingthegin · 08/05/2019 20:09

He sounds like he's grooming you to be their
unicorn OP, with or without his DW's knowledge.

Senseiwu · 08/05/2019 20:10

He sounds like a dick.

user1479305498 · 08/05/2019 20:12

If this is genuine, OP he really isn’t a nice man regardless of what you think, he is sneaking about behind his wife’s back if you are chatting about sex etc. I think you need to get some self respect and cut it dead. If you really are ‘that’ prone to repeated crushes etc then you really need to do your H a big favour and move on, it sounds a bit like you use your H for security only whilst enjoying emotional dalliances with others. That’s pretty crap on both your H and his wife too

TanMateix · 08/05/2019 20:13

Agree about being groomed to be his unicorn (if unicorn stands for an imaginary affair)

Honestly OP, you are far too invested in a looser who is happily married to someone else.

Original poster
HorseChestnutLocks · 08/05/2019 20:15

Part of the problem is that neither of us is sure how the other one feels so we can’t call time on the friendship without revealing our hand and risk making a fool of ourselves.

OP posts:
Original poster
HorseChestnutLocks · 08/05/2019 20:15

What’s a unicorn?

OP posts:
KOKOtiltomorrow · 08/05/2019 20:18

FFS OP. Take this man out of the equation or be honest. Deal with your marriage or admit you are trying to start an affair. You are coming across so bad here.

Original poster
HorseChestnutLocks · 08/05/2019 20:18

He isn’t a dick or a loser. He’s a lovely person who I suspect settled for his wife and is now struggling with an attraction to someone else. He doesn’t want to break up his family or give up our friendship. He’s a good man.

OP posts:
Original poster
HorseChestnutLocks · 08/05/2019 20:19

I don’t want to have an affair with him but I admit I want to be with him. My ideal scenario is that he leaves his wife before anything happens with me. But I’m not stupid and I know that’s not going to happen.

OP posts:
waltersdog · 08/05/2019 20:20

He has no respect for his wife

Mythreefavouritethings · 08/05/2019 20:20

Oh OP, this guy is pitiful, really. Look at what you’re writing. It’s all meetings and calls but what substance? At best, he flatters you and says the right things, you fantasise. Honestly, this is not going anywhere meaningful at all. He’s pulling the right faces, saying the right words, but again, he is with her. No amount of posturing changes that huge fact. Cut contact. He’ll agonise and fret, but stand back and watch what happens. You know he isn’t leaving, don’t you? And no matter how much you try to turn this into a torturous love story, he’s a married man and you are on the outside of his bed, his house, and his life. No matter what he says or does. He’s with his wife.

Original poster
HorseChestnutLocks · 08/05/2019 20:22

But some guys leave sometimes don’t they?

OP posts:
slingthegin · 08/05/2019 20:24

OP, a unicorn is a third person who joins a couple to engage in, commonly, sexual activity. Your comment made me think this,
"He told me that his wife thinks we’re twins"

waltersdog · 08/05/2019 20:24

Show this thread to your husband and let him go.

category12 · 08/05/2019 20:25

A unicorn is the third party in a triad consisting of an established couple and another person. They're called unicorns because single bisexual women who want to have a a closed triad with a couple (which is the usual fantasy scenario) are exceedingly rare. I'm not sure why the pp brought it up, it seems a lot simpler than that to me. This man is just building up to turning this into a physical affair.

He's not a good man. He wouldn't be having 90 minutes long phone calls to you discussing sex etc behind his wife's back, if he was a good man.

MoseShrute · 08/05/2019 20:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.