What a mess. DH or alone?

[HorseChestnutLocks]

I’m expecting to be flamed but I really don’t know what to do for the best.

I have possibly been having an emotional affair with a male friend for the past 10 months. I completely adore him and would love to be in a relationship with him. I don’t know if he feels the same way about me but I think he had feelings at least at one point, 5-6 months ago, because he was tortured about possibly not seeing me anymore. He phones me secretly when he’s alone. We talk about everything including my relationship problems.

We’re both married with children.

Obviously this relationship has massively impacted my marriage. Things had been not right for a long time (DH cheated once before we got married, I have had a series of crushes during the marriage which stopped before I conceived my first child, we have sexual problems). I stopped having any kind of sex with my husband when I realised I had developed strong feelings for my friend. It sounds ridiculous but I felt like having sex with DH would be a betrayal of OM. And yes, of course he’s having sex with his wife.

So now I’m in a situation where I’m still pining for my friend. I see him every 6-8 weeks and we text/speak on the phone every few days.

My gut feeling tells me that he’s in love with me but he’s an excellent person and would never leave his wife and children.

My DH doesn’t know about him. I don’t want to break up the family and I don’t feel strong enough to break up with DH. He’s a very dominant person and I’m a bit scared of him. He has already told me that he would try to get more than half of our assets.

DH and I get along okay in day to day life but he wants us to have sex and I don’t want to. I feel like I’m on a ticking time bomb. Either I:

Divorce him

• upset DH
• upset children
• struggle financially
• have to move house
• have to share custody of my lovely children and not see them half the time
• have a likely acrimonious time with DH re finances/assets
• be lonely initially
• have the chance to meet a totally new person and fall in love with them.

Stay in the marriage

• everyone except me is happy
• more secure
• risk regretting it later
• have to have sex when I don’t want to (will it get easier?)

So I don’t know what to do. I love my children. I miss my friend... I want to be with him as much as possible but I know it can never come to anything.

What should I do wise ones?

If DH knew about my friend he would be off like a shot.

And I for one sincerely hope your husband does find out and leaves you to better his life. The way you talk is an embarrassment to loyalty and relationships. This is not a cringe love novel but real with real people and their feelings. Playing and stringing people along is vile and disgusting.

Clearly you have issues where you cannot be without a relationship, so instead of stringing people along, learn to be honest with others and yourself and seek therapy to address why you so desperately need to be in a relationship, even one where you are not happy and spit on loyalty.

I feel for your friend's wife, I even hope she finds out so she puts you in your place. People like you and him are often the first to cry victim when something terrible is done to you but never want to address the horrid things you do to others.

Grow up, seek help and be honest.

He isn’t going to leave his DW.

Wake up.

I wonder if you have narssistic traits as if I were you, I wouldn't be able to look myself in the mirror

OP, the more you post the more obvious this isn't about OM but you.

You have young children and that can make you lose yourself for a while as the adjustment to motherhood can be significant.
Get yourself to counselling so you can unravel what is going on.

Similar situation here. My friendship with a married man has gone on for over two years now. We live at opposite ends of the country so meeting is rare, but text almost daily about life, our children.. that sort of thing. When I need to talk it’s him I turn to. I’m not happy about it but we’ve become part of each other’s lives and neither wants to stop.

I think the best advice would be to tell OM how you’re feeling, tell him you need space and no contact to work on your marriage. If your marriage can’t be saved then spend time on your own.. if the OM loves you maybe he’ll do the same, if not move on. Don’t cheat.. do the right thing.

I do have sympathy for you, but please take a while to think about what he is doing.

If he has 90 minutes free he could be:

Doing some washing up
Doing some laundry
Researching a nice day out for his family
Browsing in a bookshop to get his children new books
Or just relaxing so that he is refreshed when his family returns

He is drawing time and energy from his family to spend it on you. I suspect that he is less of a good/upright man than you think.

The ‘matching’ description also made me think that he is engaging in deliberate mirroring.

Everything you tell us about this man paints a picture of a deeply manipulative arsehole. Every response you make is 'but my FEELS'.

I'm out. Get therapy, join an amateur dramatic society, whatever. But don't shit on your family for the sake of an imaginary love affair - and don't shit on someone else's family by making it a real affair.

Have some bloody dignity woman - grow up.

Sorry, I never normally post before reading the full thread, but this is just so like the reverse of this thread www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3545672-To-think-my-marriage-is-affair-proof
OP, your "friend" is not your former colleague, is he?
Anyway, how freaky would it be if the wife of your friend posted first, she did complain, among other things, that DH's friend discusses her marriage problems with her DH. Anyway, very low chances that these two threads are connected but I think it could be still useful reading for you, @HorseChestnutLocks just to get insight into what DW of your friend might be going through 😶

Meanwhile back in the real world and not planet Mills and Boon.

He is not your friend, he’s your OM. You can’t have him because he’s not available. You’re a convenient head fuck until he finds another convenient head fuck who will put out.

It’s time to grow up and be honest about your behaviour. Your marriage is over and it has been for some time but you haven’t walked away because you haven’t got anyone lined up who you are able to walk away to.