What a mess. DH or alone?

[HorseChestnutLocks]

I’m expecting to be flamed but I really don’t know what to do for the best.

I have possibly been having an emotional affair with a male friend for the past 10 months. I completely adore him and would love to be in a relationship with him. I don’t know if he feels the same way about me but I think he had feelings at least at one point, 5-6 months ago, because he was tortured about possibly not seeing me anymore. He phones me secretly when he’s alone. We talk about everything including my relationship problems.

We’re both married with children.

Obviously this relationship has massively impacted my marriage. Things had been not right for a long time (DH cheated once before we got married, I have had a series of crushes during the marriage which stopped before I conceived my first child, we have sexual problems). I stopped having any kind of sex with my husband when I realised I had developed strong feelings for my friend. It sounds ridiculous but I felt like having sex with DH would be a betrayal of OM. And yes, of course he’s having sex with his wife.

So now I’m in a situation where I’m still pining for my friend. I see him every 6-8 weeks and we text/speak on the phone every few days.

My gut feeling tells me that he’s in love with me but he’s an excellent person and would never leave his wife and children.

My DH doesn’t know about him. I don’t want to break up the family and I don’t feel strong enough to break up with DH. He’s a very dominant person and I’m a bit scared of him. He has already told me that he would try to get more than half of our assets.

DH and I get along okay in day to day life but he wants us to have sex and I don’t want to. I feel like I’m on a ticking time bomb. Either I:

Divorce him

• upset DH
• upset children
• struggle financially
• have to move house
• have to share custody of my lovely children and not see them half the time
• have a likely acrimonious time with DH re finances/assets
• be lonely initially
• have the chance to meet a totally new person and fall in love with them.

Stay in the marriage

• everyone except me is happy
• more secure
• risk regretting it later
• have to have sex when I don’t want to (will it get easier?)

So I don’t know what to do. I love my children. I miss my friend... I want to be with him as much as possible but I know it can never come to anything.

What should I do wise ones?

I don’t want to give him up. I know that makes me a weak person.

Either hang around and enjoy the hope or get out and meet someone real. Someone who will bring you coffee first thing, tell you he loves you, not play you off against his wife. Let it hurt now with your pride intact rather than live some short term fantasy that leaves you feeling second best. Do it once, you’re setting yourself up to be second best again. Everything you are telling yourself now, you will start to believe about yourself. Don’t be this woman, OP. It’s so demeaning.

So you would like to love this man from afar while your husband supports you financially?
That's rude

Exactly what justbrrathing said ...

Cut all contact immediately with your friend and do all possible to stop thinking about him for the next 6 months ...
you will be better placed to think clearly about your future then ..

Do NOT imagine you will be with your friend as that is in reality highly improbable..

As another poster said you are meeting his needs ... it won’t ever be any more than that is my guess

I've sent you a message OP. Been in a similar position to you minus the husband and children.

He's not yours to give up, he won't leave his wife.

Apart from the fact I am having a physical affair and he has talked about leaving his partner, I understand some of your situation.

Firstly, you don't need to sleep with your husband, no one has to have sex with someone they don't want to.

Secondly, talk to a therapist. Unravel what is driving you to pull away from your DH. It may be the marriage has never given you what you needed.

This guy tho, he wants the thrill, the ego boast but will never cheat and never leave. I've been there.

When my H had a bizarre crush/limerence /emotional affair on a young woman many moons ago, when I found out a few years ago and 11 years after the time period, I asked him 'why?? We didn't appear to have a bad marriage at that time, but we did have some life issues with his terminally ill mother and business problems. He told me that all he could think was that it was some kind of deflection, a nice thing to fantasise about and write about and a buzz to text a lot, when stuff in real life was turning to shit. I think you are feeling the same, in this case you aren't happy in your marriage so are projecting all your loving feelings onto an unavailable man who sadly shouldn't be encouraging you, but probably gets a big buzz out of it if he too is unhappy. I think you need to cut the guy out altogether, get some therapy and see how you feel marriage wise in 6 months, if you are still unhappy then make plans to separate .

Not sure who is more fucked up really, you or him. Probably you, because you actually believe this, whereas he has more of a good deal going on. I suspect he enjoys dragging your fantasy along behind him. Anyway, good luck.

How young are your children OP? I think that will play a significant role. I have always believed that if you aren’t happy you need to move on, can’t imagine DH is happy in a sexless marriage either, however for their family could be different situation entirely.

They’re 2 and 4.

I love being in a relationship though. I want to have someone to share life with. Love and be loved.

You are not loving your DH though are you. And you are not sharing your life with either man.

Loving "being in a relationship" sounds like it's at the root of the problem. It sounds so general. You need therapy to get to the root of your repeated infatuations / liminence / reliance on romances with men to see yourself as whole.

You misunderstand what I meant by having a secure sense of self. It doesn't simply mean you enjoy your own company.

You are choosing to ignore all the advice PP's are giving and keep obsessing about this guy and justifying your position. No mention of your kids in any of this. Do yourself a favour and start therapy.

you really do need to leave your husband. This is a half life for both of you. He deserves more, and tbh, so do you.
You need to sort that out AND have some closure before you even think about whats going on with your friend. He may have just been the catalyst that showed you something big was missing, but that doesnt mean that he is mr Right either

How old are his kids ?

You

1. block friend on your phone and email (you could always tell his wife, that would pour cold water over him)

1. go into therapy.

Your description of your friend is called projection. But the person you need to be focusing on, is yourself.

When you have worked it all through, then you can make decisions on your marriage.

Do this ethically and with integrity OP. You need to face why you married your husband (in the face of his betrayal) - there is a lot of ambivalence from you both.

Your fantasy around your friend is just a way of you coping with an unahappy situation.

I think he just wanted the subtext to go away and still see me.

It might be best for both of you if you withdraw until this has gone away. Totally withdraw. No more secret calls, or messages, or meetings, or anything. Nothing. Let the feelings die.

Maybe, and it's a huge maybe, you'll be able to be friends then without hurting him or your children or your husband. Or maybe you won't want to be friends with someone who has behaved like this once the adrenaline rubs off... but you'll have taken the best stance.

He's never been in love, he's chosen a varied definition of loyalty to a woman who is not you, and he stomps over your boundaries. He has made no suggestion that he wants you; even when you've been discussing sex and affairs, and even if he does have feelings for you, he's been clear that he wouldn't act on them.

You're on a hiding to nothing here. If you can't make the call between DH and no-one; then put your all into DH and try and make it work better without him playing unknown second fiddle to another man.

Not really sure what you're hoping to get from this thread tbh. You have obviously firmly made up your mind that you are madly in love with this man, he is in love with you too but is so honourable and so lovely that he feels duty bound to his wife, and that the pair of you are star crossed lovers and belong together.

Everyone with any common sense can see (assuming that you have been honest in your posts and haven't ommitted some huge drip feed) that you are bored in an unfulfilling marriage and are obsessing over a fantasy, your "friend" is playing you like a fiddle with this tortured/'torn between love and duty' bullshit and enjoys the ego boost of knowing you're dangling at the end of his line and are probably a good prospect for sex if he wants it at any point, and that he's absolutely NOT a good guy because - as if it needs saying - good men do not betray their wives and young children by engaging in frequent, secret 90 minute phone calls with other women where they talk about sex.

It's really creepy that you're hanging around hoping for his marriage to fall apart or worse so you can have him. You're not his friend. Friends don't wish for their friends families to break up.

He probably wouldn't even be interested in you if he was single. Either he's a creep using you for an ego boost so he just views you as a desperate woman who'll rub his ego or he really sees you as just a friend and would be horrified if he knew what you were wishing upon his family.

@OP I know of someone just like this guy. He is ultimately doing it for the ego boost and has no intention of leaving his wife. He’s even playing the ‘I’m such a lovely guy’ routine. Truth is, if you laid it on the line about how you feel he would take things further. At the moment neither of you have been entirely honest as you both have a lot to loose so it would be silly to do so. I would strongly advise against getting involved in that way whilst you’re both still married. Don’t waste your time or energy. Divorce your H as you’re no longer in love with him and find someone totally new!

You are both being nasty, selfish people. His wife is clearly very unhappy and suspects the emotional affair - which is what it is, absolutely no doubt. And you don’t give a shit, as long as it makes you feel good.

Your husband sounds like an arse and you should leave him. You should never feel like you have to have sex with someone if you don’t want to.

There is an alternative view that sometimes people are just with the wrong person and leaving is allowed.

Same happened to me op.

I left my dh and lived alone. Then my friend got a divorce. We ended up together and we still are 5 years later.

No kids tho else it may have been a different story. Mine were grown up and left home and he had none .
It happens. I would have continued to go it alone as my now partner shone a
Light on the fact my marriage was over. So I was prepared to go it alone .
He left for his own reasons. One thing I would say is leave by all
Means , but cease contact with your friend - he will then have to examine whether he can live without you. If he can you start again. If he can't he will follow suit.

There is an alternative view that sometimes people are just with the wrong person and leaving is allowed.

Hardly an alternative view. I don't think anyone has suggested that this isn't the case. But there's leaving an unhappy marriage, and then there's conducting a weird emotional affair which may or may not be reciprocated and just stringing your family along while you figure out if the other guy wants you, waiting and wishing for his family to fall apart and to hell with his 2 and 4 year old hey

How would you feel if you read this post but was written by your husband? What would you want him to do? Think about it.

Never string people along, let your husband find someone who will love him and remain loyal. Leave and do what you want but do not string people along - including your children. It's a selfish and vile act.

Furthermore, you are shameful for doing this to another woman, you very well know you are crossing boundaries. Which doesn't even make sense as to why you would considering you said you have been cheated on.

These actions speak a lot about your character and only the lowest of the low string people along and hope someone's marriage falls apart so that they can then leave their own marriage.

Do at least one decent thing and leave your husband and let him live a life where he's not being strung along. Also, try not being selfish and having some compassion for this "friend's" wife. If he won't leave her for you - know your place and stop being a catalyst.

As one of the many, many women on MN whose "D"Ps have engaged in this sort of arseholeness , your posts are irritating and bordering on offensive. You are complicit in fucking over his poor wife and it is totally selfish, self centred and cruel. You say you like yourself....I wonder if you have narssistic traits as if I were you, I wouldn't be able to look myself in the mirror. This is such a self indulgent fantasy....even the title of the thread is deceitful. Shame on you OP. I pity you in a way as you are clearly devoid of empathy and emotional intelligence and I suspect you will live an unfulfilled life always chasing the next big romantic ego boost. I really hope karma comes round for you and him.