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Original poster

What a mess. DH or alone?

133 replies

HorseChestnutLocks · 08/05/2019 18:58

I’m expecting to be flamed but I really don’t know what to do for the best.

I have possibly been having an emotional affair with a male friend for the past 10 months. I completely adore him and would love to be in a relationship with him. I don’t know if he feels the same way about me but I think he had feelings at least at one point, 5-6 months ago, because he was tortured about possibly not seeing me anymore. He phones me secretly when he’s alone. We talk about everything including my relationship problems.

We’re both married with children.

Obviously this relationship has massively impacted my marriage. Things had been not right for a long time (DH cheated once before we got married, I have had a series of crushes during the marriage which stopped before I conceived my first child, we have sexual problems). I stopped having any kind of sex with my husband when I realised I had developed strong feelings for my friend. It sounds ridiculous but I felt like having sex with DH would be a betrayal of OM. And yes, of course he’s having sex with his wife.

So now I’m in a situation where I’m still pining for my friend. I see him every 6-8 weeks and we text/speak on the phone every few days.

My gut feeling tells me that he’s in love with me but he’s an excellent person and would never leave his wife and children.

My DH doesn’t know about him. I don’t want to break up the family and I don’t feel strong enough to break up with DH. He’s a very dominant person and I’m a bit scared of him. He has already told me that he would try to get more than half of our assets.

DH and I get along okay in day to day life but he wants us to have sex and I don’t want to. I feel like I’m on a ticking time bomb. Either I:

Divorce him

  • upset DH
  • upset children
  • struggle financially
  • have to move house
  • have to share custody of my lovely children and not see them half the time
  • have a likely acrimonious time with DH re finances/assets
  • be lonely initially
  • have the chance to meet a totally new person and fall in love with them.

Stay in the marriage

  • everyone except me is happy
  • more secure
  • risk regretting it later
  • have to have sex when I don’t want to (will it get easier?)

So I don’t know what to do. I love my children. I miss my friend... I want to be with him as much as possible but I know it can never come to anything.

What should I do wise ones?

OP posts:
Original poster
HorseChestnutLocks · 08/05/2019 19:31

My heart tells me that I want to be with my friend, Strongteaplease. I think that if I am happy then my children will be happy. DH could find happiness again, I would hope.

However, my friend is such a good person. He wouldn’t leave his wife and children for me. And even if he did, he’d hate himself and be tortured by feelings of guilt forever.

He’s had women throw themselves at him before. I’m concerned that, if I tell him how I really feel that he’ll just add me to that pile. I do believe it’s different this time though as I think he has feelings for me too.

OP posts:
Mythreefavouritethings · 08/05/2019 19:34

Alone. If you aren’t happy in the marriage (and by the sounds of it, that’s an emphatic no) it may be time to look at the practicalities of getting out. The other man? Whole other area. He is married. No matter what your gut tells you, he is married. If there’s something there, that’s for him to consider and if it is you he wants, there’s a lot that needs to be sorted beforehand. You don’t walk across from marriage to OW/potential OW. It feels like you have your own narrative on this and maybe you’re right, but no matter what he says or implies, actions really are the key here. He’s with her. He goes home to her. And whether he wants to or is just being a ‘nice guy’ (or making an effort to live up to his marriage vows) he goes home to her.

Original poster
HorseChestnutLocks · 08/05/2019 19:34

I know about limerence. I don’t feel limerent or obsessed. I feel a calm, genuine, deep regard for him in which I prioritise his happiness. I don’t think that’s limerence.

OP posts:
lifebegins50 · 08/05/2019 19:34

I think you are being love bombed and you actually don't know this man very well.

If you are all heart and he is all head then you will clash big time if you got together.
I think you are projecting feelings and you would benefit from counselling so you can figure out what you want. I would not stay in a marriage where you are frightened and your husband deserves to know that he is being rejected sexually because you are lusting over another man.

I think your strong feelings come from unhappiness but OM isn't likely to be the solution.

Ratatatouille · 08/05/2019 19:35

Crikey loads more posts while I was writing mine.

I kind of think you should come clean and talk to your DH. He might well decide himself that he would rather the opportunity to be with someone for whom he is the first choice, not second place. I don't mean that to sound nasty, I mean it sincerely. He does deserve the chance to be in a loving marriage and if he knew your feelings he may make the decision for you.

Original poster
HorseChestnutLocks · 08/05/2019 19:35

You’re right Mythreefavouritethings. He did say once that he’s not sure if he’s ever been in love.

OP posts:
Original poster
HorseChestnutLocks · 08/05/2019 19:36

If DH knew about my friend he would be off like a shot.

OP posts:
waltersdog · 08/05/2019 19:36

He's telling you what you want to hear

Original poster
HorseChestnutLocks · 08/05/2019 19:38

waltersdog who? My friend? He’s not telling me anything. When we talk we talk as friends. He’s never officially overstepped the mark. It’s all implied.

OP posts:
Mythreefavouritethings · 08/05/2019 19:42

Focus on you, HorseChestnut. What you do now will have an impact for a long time to come. Sometimes it’s about getting through a tough short term to get to a better future. Imagine yourself in a year, two years. Do you want to be in this marriage still? Or waiting in the wings for your friend. Maybe let them go and look at what you want, what makes you feel good. The focus is on these men but beneath this is, I feel, someone who has lost themselves. You can be loved, just think about who you want that love to come from. A husband you’re unhappy with, a man who has to rush back to his family, or someone who prioritises you.

category12 · 08/05/2019 19:43

He’s never officially overstepped the mark. Stop right there. He's not noble. All you're doing is rules-lawyering and only fooling yourself.

Talking about sex is over the mark.
Phoning you secretly is over the mark.

BookshopSally · 08/05/2019 19:43

You do need professional therapy OP, as PP advised. For yourself. No it's not enough to say you understand where this is coming from- you clearly don't fully understand or else you would be down a different path by now- probably single and happily so.

You owe it to you to do that work, whilst taking a step back from the "friend" - as you already know that's not going anywhere. And in 6 months time see how you feel and if you're strong enough to leave your DH.

An additional point, but you are also not considering the friend's DW in this whatsoever. This is a sign you are wrapped up in this from your 'infatuated perspective' and not thinking objectively. Therapy will help you make sense of everything.

Ratatatouille · 08/05/2019 19:44

OP, your post at 19:08 with all the stuff about being twins, and becoming more feminine to his masculine, and liking the same films and being just the absolute perfect combination of similar/opposite...it does sound exactly like limerence. Because this isn't a relationship. You haven't actually experienced anything like a relationship with him, or had him reciprocate these feelings (although you hope he might). So it's extremely likely (even more so when combined with your unfulfilling marriage and previous tendency towards developing crushes) that the fact that this obsession is unreciprocated and remains unacted upon is the thing that makes it so powerful. And that's exactly what limerence is.

Dragged into the cold light of day, these things have a habit of losing their shine extremely quickly.

waltersdog · 08/05/2019 19:46

Carrying on an emotional affair behind his wife's back is overstepping the mark.

thinkingcapon · 08/05/2019 19:48

You say you want what's best for your "friend". I use that term because that's what you call him but I think this situation is a bit more fucked up than you are describing......you're almost trying to normalise it.....

No one can tell you what you want to hear but for what's it worth if you cared that much about your friend and you say he's never going to leave his wife, then where is this going?! Don't put yourself on a plate to him, he's not going to give you what you want. He'll choose his wife

What does she think about your "friendship' btw.....you mentioned earlier that she thinks your like twins

I really feel for your husband and his wife. I can't tell you how much this would break my heart if it was my husband doing this. Have a bit of respect to your kids dad

Original poster
HorseChestnutLocks · 08/05/2019 19:50

I have considered his wife. I have met her several times as he insists that we should only meet with her present as she doesn’t want us to meet alone.

OP posts:
TanMateix · 08/05/2019 19:51

Get a cold shower and stop fantasising about your friend. He is offering nothing, zero, zilch, nada. Probably just using you to flatter his ego... it doesn’t cost him anything, just a furtive call here and there to keep you keen.

Honestly, give yourself a reality check and get back to your life. Now if you are contemplating this “option” because you were already unsatisfied with your marriage then find the courage to leave and be on your own (because the “right” one is as likely to come around as he is not)

category12 · 08/05/2019 19:52

So you've considered his wife and don't give a shit. I see.

FireflyEden · 08/05/2019 19:52

You need to respect both your DH and your crushes wife. Just stop fgs. If you are so unhappy in marriage causing you to have crushes on people I suggest you do the right thing and leave your poor husband.

Original poster
HorseChestnutLocks · 08/05/2019 19:53

Cross posted.

What does she think about your "friendship' btw.....you mentioned earlier that she thinks your like twins

She doesn’t want us meeting up alone and he doesn’t want to upset her by asking to meet me alone. But he wants to see me so he has arranged several meetings. I told him that I didn’t want to but he kept pushing and saying that it wasn’t difficult as I had claimed. In the end I gave in.

OP posts:
Senseiwu · 08/05/2019 19:53

You only meet with his wife present? So when do you talk about sex?

TanMateix · 08/05/2019 19:54

I have considered his wife. I have met her several times as he insists that we should only meet with her present as she doesn’t want us to meet alone.

Honestly OP, he is telling you he is not interested (while insisting in keeping you keen). No need to be thinking about his wife, he is not interested in you. Flowers

category12 · 08/05/2019 19:54

During their secret phone calls, of course.

waltersdog · 08/05/2019 19:54

Is this a wind up ?

waltersdog · 08/05/2019 19:55

He gets a thrill out of seeing you and his wife together, ffs get some self respect.

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