I don't want to hit my DH

[CupOfRage]

I don't really know where to start.

There have been occasions, arising with more frequency lately, where I have raised my hand to hit my DH, but not actually done it. This usually happens when he is irritating or winding me up and out happens by instinct before I have a chance to think about what I'm doing - I'm overcome with a flash of rage and my hand snaps out.

DH gets upset and says he would never hit me. I said it was because he was kissing my ear, poking my side, stealing my food, whatever thing he's doing to wind me up, and he then accuses me of victim blaming!

I have to say that I grew up with a violent father so perhaps this is a learned behaviour, but I'm not sure what to do. I'm afraid that one day I will strike him and I really don't want to do that.

I've told him to stop annoying me but he says he's just playing or joking or messing around or whatever.

You are victim blaming. You are responsible for your actions. Your husband is right.

You have to stop doing it. You're threatening him and it's abusive. He'd be well within his rights to walk away.

You're an adult, you do have a choice. Do you raise your hand to colleagues who annoy you, random strangers, family members? Or just him.

You are absolutely victim blaming.

What would you say if this was the other way around and he was raising his hand to you for doing what sounds like quite playful and trivial things?

On the other hand

I've told him to stop annoying me but he says he's just playing or joking or messing around or whatever. means that he too has no idea about boundaries.

You are both BU and are a pretty bad combination of attitudes.

You can sit down and talk it through properly; you can clobber him and live with the consequences; you can leave and tell him it is his fault for not listening to you; he could leave and tell you he cannot live with being threatened

Only one of those is a good starting point....

Sounds like you need to speak to someone.. gp could refer you for counselling so you could go and talk about how it was growing up. It's good that you've never actually hit him but at the same time you shouldn't even think about it or raise your hand. Doesn't sound like he does anything even really that bad to you.

stopseeingred.co.uk/

Find yourself a nice counsellor.
Do you have children? Are you also likely to slap them? Does your hand flash out if your mum or dad kiss you?
What happens that's different if a work colleague annoys you, that stops you from hitting them? Might this be a sign that you have a deep-seated disrespect for your partner?

You need an anger management course. What would you do if he raised his hand to you? And what would you do if you hit him, and he hit you back?

ravenmum

Do you have children? Are you also likely to slap them?

No children but my siblings are significantly younger than me and I've always been very patient with them.

Does your hand flash out if your mum or dad kiss you?

Well actually I do often have to shove my mum off me because she will hug me in a vice grip and cover my face in kisses like you see people do with pets or small children. I hate her doing this and she won't listen and I don't know how long she would go on for if I didn't push her away. i have to be quite firm as she has a very tight grip.

What happens that's different if a work colleague annoys you, that stops you from hitting them?

My colleagues don't annoy me by physically touching me so I've never been angry at them. I've been frustrated etc because things are delayed or wrong, but never angry that I can recall.

Might this be a sign that you have a deep-seated disrespect for your partner?

I don't know I don't think so but here I am.

Singlenotsingle

And what would you do if you hit him, and he hit you back?

Honestly, I have no idea.

We've been together a decade and it's only in the last couple of years that this has started happening. I just don't find it cute or funny, he knows I hate having my ears touched, don't share food and am ticklish.

I have to clarify that this only happens when he is physically annoying me, never verbally.

Are you similarly angry with or at other people or is it just your H that you want to hit?.

We learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents, you grew up with a violent father and so were taught a lot of damaging lessons on relationships.

If you are indeed serious about addressing this issue properly you would have in depth therapy. AM is no answer to domestic violence and you seemingly do not get angry like this around others. So you can indeed control this.

You have a problem with anger, his anger, when you are called out on your behaviours.

It sounds like there are problems on both sides, tbh. You should be able to control yourself and not raise your hand at your DH. However, he should stop being deliverately provocative and doing things that he knows you don't like, that you have stated that you don't like.

I think you need a serious conversation with him, say that you do not like him doing these things, and he needs to stop doing them. Then you also need to start looking at YOUR behaviour and why a) you resort to almost violence, and b) why you're not a fan of such tactile behaviour.

*deliberately. Must learn to proof read.

And also, just to reiterate, it's not victim blaming when he's doing something that you have specifically asked him not to do. HE might see it as joking, playing around, but YOU clearly don't.

My ex used to goose me every time he was behind me on the stairs, and I used to get the absolute rage with him, because he WOULD NOT LISTEN to me when I said I didn't like it. I have a deep seated fear of being attacked from behind, so to me, it wasn't a joke, and it took a long time and several conversations before he understood that it wasn't fun for me.

Joking and playing around are supposed to be fun for BOTH of you, not just one person.

To the women saying that ‘he needs to stop winding you up’, would you say the same to a woman who posted here saying her husband raises his hand to her?

This is 100% victim blaming.

Its 2 seperate issues.

He shouldnt be purposely winding you up and doing things you dont like. Because he shouldnt want to do something that makes you uncomfortable.

That doesnt mean it's acceptable to raise your hand to him. If you are violent, that's on you. He cant goad you into it.

If you include me Bookaholic that isn't what I said, or meant!

But repeated pushing of personal boundaries is also a form of abuse. Just because OP admits to wanting to thump him doesn't mean that he is not also assaulting her in a less physical, more pernicious manner.

As I said, they both seem to have issues, they both need to work on them!

His behaviour is just as bad.

You have asked him numerous times to stop doing something that upsets/annoys you and he has ignored you. He thinks it's okay to push your boundaries and wind you up - why?

Of course going to lash out is unacceptable but you've never actually hit him. He, on the other hand, has continued to push your boundaries and do things that upset you.

Does he ever apologise for his behaviour? Or is it okay for him to wind you up all the time?

But repeated pushing of personal boundaries is also a form of abuse.

That's what many male abusers accuse their partners of. Will you be posting similar when a woman is the victim?

You BOTH need to take responsibility for this.
He needs to understand that just because he wants to do something doesn't mean he can, and you need to work on not reacting by physically hitting out even if that is moving to a toddler handling strategy of "I don't want to be around you right now" and actually leaving the situation.

It does sound like he is actually provoking this response on purpose though, and I don't think its victim-blaming to say "if he's going to push you until you break then hes not 100% innocent in you reacting to that".

I think your husband sounds highly irritating - I'm not surprised you're getting wound up. I'm not advocating lumping him one, but he needs to recognise the part he is playing in all of this!

That's what many male abusers accuse their partners of. Will you be posting similar when a woman is the victim? If it is true then it is true. Abusers abuse and lie and twist things to suit their own agenda.

Doesn't change a truth!

Your response suggests you continue to blame him for your lack of control and rage. If it’s not him it will be someone else.

Your defence of your actions suggest you be live you are entitled to do it.

You should not be with him because you are dangerous to him. Whatever the rights and wrongs of his actions you are not entitled to raise a hand.

How old are you?

Could there’s be a menopausal spike in hormones? My mum is the epitome of even-tempered lady and when she was going through menopause she could have happily stabbed us all at times!

However there are two separate issues:

Physical violence is never ok.

The other issue is that he sounds like a total wanker. And he might not deserve a punch for it but wtf is he playing at??

I don't think anyone is advocating that OP would at all be justified in reciprocating her DH's "jokey" winding up with violent behaviour. Just as no one here would justify it if it was a man complaining about a woman.

Stealing food off a plate is one thing, but poking in the side, kissing in the ear is completely different. It's physical, it's overstepping boundaries - boundaries which the OP has made clear she does not want to be overstepped.

OP should walk away, yes - no one is condoning violent behaviour. And OP should seek therapy / some form of help for her reactions. But her DH is not all sweetness and light here. Personally I HATE being wound up, although I know some couples have that sort of relationship.

NoBaggyPants Yes, If a woman said that her partner raises his hands to her when she does certain things that he has told her to stop doing, the advice would be the same. Nobody has the right to hit or threaten someone but if someone knows that someone doesn't like a particular action, then it is stupid to continue. Both parties are in the wrong. Regardless of gender.

Sort this out now.

You have no right to slap anyone and if he raised his hand to you for annoying him would you tolerate that?