I don't want to hit my DH

[CupOfRage]

I don't really know where to start.

There have been occasions, arising with more frequency lately, where I have raised my hand to hit my DH, but not actually done it. This usually happens when he is irritating or winding me up and out happens by instinct before I have a chance to think about what I'm doing - I'm overcome with a flash of rage and my hand snaps out.

DH gets upset and says he would never hit me. I said it was because he was kissing my ear, poking my side, stealing my food, whatever thing he's doing to wind me up, and he then accuses me of victim blaming!

I have to say that I grew up with a violent father so perhaps this is a learned behaviour, but I'm not sure what to do. I'm afraid that one day I will strike him and I really don't want to do that.

I've told him to stop annoying me but he says he's just playing or joking or messing around or whatever.

Might this be a sign that you have a deep-seated disrespect for your partner?

Well his behaviour certainly looks like a sign that he has a deep-seated disrespect for her. That can breed disrespect in itself.

My son pokes me even though I hate it. I'm not going to slap him. If I really, really hated it, and he did it again, I'd get angry with him.

Actually I think it's fine to belt your kids if they are poking you. Or if they take food off your plate. Not a full on punch, just a slap around the chops to get them to desist.

I also hate being tickled and I sometimes lash out at my kids when they do so. It's just a reflex, you know.

I assume yours is a goady post, dancingbear, after your previous stance?

Oh ffs.
Yes, everyone knows that hitting is bad.
Well done to the many law and morality abiders on this thread.
HOWEVER
What people need to remember is that communication is communication, whether it be physical, verbal etc. And she is communicating that this is too far. Many autistic children struggle with not communicating in a physical way when they have been pushed beyond a boundary, I'm not saying the OP is autistic, I'm saying she is communicating the way her brain knows how.
The fact that you haven't actually hit him should be applauded as he chooses to ignore your distress signals.
Abuse is a whole different ball game and of course if she was hitting him out of jealousy or control, we would be on a different scale entirely. This is a knee-jerk reaction to what she may feel as extreme discomfort (remember everyone's scale of extreme discomfort is different).
I would have a serious talk with your DH about boundaries, then I'd see a counsellor or CBT specialist regarding the way you are communicating your discomfort and seek ways to know why it's happening and how to change it.
Goodluck 💐

And ignore anymore nob heads that want to tell you in any way, shape or form,
"Hitting is bad"
🙄

If you ask him to stop and he continues, and you keep asking and he keeps continuing, then I think you'd be absolutely justified to slap his hand away. If you're worried that you might do more than that then just walk away each time he does it.

I'm a little concerned about people saying that violence is never justified. If one is being attacked I that violence is a justifiable reaction. OP's bodily autonomy is being attacked in ways she finds unpleasant, I do not want to encourage her to allow atjust because they are small and from her husband. That is not safe advice.

I wonder if poking and tickling will continue to be accepted behaviour in future. When I was growing up, it was commonly accepted that you could poke or tickle someone, and that the whole point of poking and tickling is that the other person doesn't like it - but that it's just a mild dislike, and that they might then also tickle you back, so you are in a position of equal power.
(I would suspect that this won't be commonly accepted behaviour in future. Times are changing.)

When I was about 10, my stepfather used to tickle me, and I didn't like it at all, as I couldn't tickle him back - his arms were longer. The power balance was unfair. My reaction to this was to cry and withdraw from him. He realised he'd overstepped the mark and stopped tickling me altogether. But because of this convention that tickling is allowed even if the other person complains, it took quite an extreme (non-violent) reaction from me to see that he'd gone too far.

He's an arsehole.

Actually I think it's fine to belt your kids if they are poking you. Or if they take food off your plate. Not a full on punch, just a slap around the chops to get them to desist.

I also hate being tickled and I sometimes lash out at my kids when they do so. It's just a reflex, you know.

🙄 Yes, because slapping a child around the face is the same as slapping an adult away when they won’t stop poking/kissing you.

Cathogsthebed has summed it up perfectly.

@thedancingbear no you don't do that to children.

If we get to the point where tickling and poking are not acceptable - GOOD!

If everyone learned to keep their mitts to themselves, there'd be a lot less misunderstandings (e.g. one kid thinks or says they thought, that they're just mucking around, having a laugh, tickling another kid, tickled kid is actually feeling humiliated, picked on and distressed), and a lot less upset.

id rather be punched than tickled

id rather be punched than tickled

me too..

I had an uncle who would 'tickle' me as a child, aggressive hurtful painful tickling which he and the family thought was hilarious, a bit of fun, I cried sobbed screamed and nothing would make him stop. I grew to despise him deeply and avoided him always.

As an adult, my FIL tickled the first of my children, I reacted badly and told him to stop, tickling wasn't an option or fun.

I LOATHE ticking.