I don't want to hit my DH

[CupOfRage]

I don't really know where to start.

There have been occasions, arising with more frequency lately, where I have raised my hand to hit my DH, but not actually done it. This usually happens when he is irritating or winding me up and out happens by instinct before I have a chance to think about what I'm doing - I'm overcome with a flash of rage and my hand snaps out.

DH gets upset and says he would never hit me. I said it was because he was kissing my ear, poking my side, stealing my food, whatever thing he's doing to wind me up, and he then accuses me of victim blaming!

I have to say that I grew up with a violent father so perhaps this is a learned behaviour, but I'm not sure what to do. I'm afraid that one day I will strike him and I really don't want to do that.

I've told him to stop annoying me but he says he's just playing or joking or messing around or whatever.

"I've told him to stop annoying me "-so why doesn't he?

Equally of course, Op needs to stop raising her hand.

I said it was because he was kissing my ear, poking my side, stealing my food, whatever thing he's doing to wind me up, and he then accuses me of victim blaming

so it's okay for him to push all your boundaries torment you and irritate you, but you'e not allowed to get annoyed? Fuck that.

however... I notice that you have never actually hit him, so you have not crossed that line, which is a credit to you. You recognise your potentially aggressive behaviour is learned from a violent father. Seeking help might help you leave this idiot of a husband though.

Personally I couldn't live with a man that continues to poke prod and torment me.

The difference is that her DH is physically provoking her, deliberately. OP has been clear that she finds being touched round her ears or poked or tickled distressing. She never reacts in this way if it's a verbal altercation. To me this is not victim blaming to tell him he's at fault for provoking her with his physical actions - it's more akin to hitting back in self defence in response to someone hitting you - a reflex physical reaction in retaliation to a physical attack.

As others have said - hitting is not OK and you know that. But, it almost sounds as if he's trying to provoke you to see how far he can push you and what you'll do, or to try to give you the message that he doesn't respect your boundaries and is on a power trip. That's not OK either.

And it worries me what you've said about your mum - that would deeply upset me too and it's no wonder you have problems with being poked and tickled when you don't welcome it. I wonder if your DH senses that and uses it against you - not necessarily consciously, but because it's an area of weakness in you.

Although it's not OK to hit him, it is OK to leave him and that's what I'd be doing with someone who deliberately physically wound me up, unless he got his head round it properly and stopped very soon.

LemonTT

You should not be with him because you are dangerous to him.

I absolutely know that hitting is not okay, but this comment is utterly ridiculous and made me laugh.

He's a whole foot and several stone larger than me! The only way I could possibly be dangerous to him is if I had a gun in my hand

but you'e not allowed to get annoyed? Fuck that.

Of course she can get annoyed.

FFS.

OP isn't hitting her husband, her instinct is to lash out but she's stopping herself.

Anyone would think that she was hitting him, based on the OTT answers on this thread.

" he knows I hate having my ears touched, don't share food and am ticklish."
I think he's the one who is physically abusive. He is ignoring OP's boundaries and winding her up on purpose.

Abusive men do provoke their victims in order to get a reaction and then claim that the victim is the abusive one.

OP, do he annoy, control or belittle you in other ways?

A man will only take so much before they've had enough

And the same for you! Not sure why my post has split into two talk to each other. Sit down be calm. Let him know it annoys you vice versa

A man will only take so much before they've had enough Fuck that nonsense!

You mean People will only take so much before they have had enough!

Have you ever looked at passive aggression?

Where they deny their anger so wind you up to express it for them then you are the bad guy.

Your mum is bang out of order.

Why are people so black and white? If the OP had smacked her H maybe it would be because he drove her to it? It doesn't sound like this is normal for her -- she doesn't go around smacking people!!

If he knows it's upsetting her enough to make her want to smack him why does he keep doing it? To drive her to smacking him and then he can call her an abusive wife?

People who are black and white in their thinking don't think very critically. It's the same as a kid that gets bullied every day for months, finally punches the bully, and then they get expelled from school, not the bully...

A man will only take so much before they've had enough

This is 100% victim blaming

He's not the victim, yet.

Maybe it is time to call it a day on this relationship. If you have told him repeatedly that something annoys you and he keeps on doing it, the only left to happen is that one day you lose control and do hit him.

I don't agree with violence or victim blaming, but the only person I ever felt the desire to hit was my abusive ex.

He is not respecting your boundaries.

OP -- if you have gotten to this point with him you need to divorce him. You definitely won't be tempted to hit him then because you won't live with him anymore!! Problem solved

If you have communicated to him effectively that his playing, joking and messing around is making you feel upset and angry, then he is BVU to continue. When you know it is unwelcome, to continue is abusive.

The feelings or anger, upset and frustration you get when you are subjected to this abuse are justified. It isn't victim blaming to tell him how it makes you feel or that you need him to stop.

The flash of rage that almost makes you hit him is something you need help with. You've already acknowledged that.

So you need to see your GP and get some counselling/anger management sessions.

He needs to start respecting your boundaries and only touching you in ways that you are likely to welcome.

He sounds like he needs to do a lot of growing up. I hope you don't have/aren't planning to have any children with him.

@CuriousaboutSamphire yes hence the "and you!" It split into 2!!!

Do you move as if to hit his face? Or just to hit away the body part he's using to bother you with?

I've firmly shoved DPs hands in the past or smacked them if he won't stop annoying me with them and won't listen to me asking.

I had a boyfriend who constantly tickled me and prodded me in the sides, even at the most awkward moments, eg when I was drinking a hot cup of tea, cooking food using boiling water. I felt an overwhelming urge to lash out too, especially as he knew I didn't like it. I sometimes used to lash out in desperation when he was tickling me, eg pushing him away, anything to get him off me and make the whole fucking thing stop. Even 15 years after our break up, I still can't stand people walking up quietly behind me.

I don't condone any kind of physical violence but I do understand the need for self defence against something unbearable. It sounds weirdly controlling - winding you up then blaming you for your reaction. Of course there's no excuse to hit but at least you recognise you have an issue - he doesn't sound like he does.

Did it? You posted that in the second half... I didn't see it until I had posted.. it confused me.

My apologies... darned technology

F to M domestic violence does occur and is wrong. OP should not be lifting her hand to her partner, it's good that she's never actually struck him but it needs to stop. It's domestic abuse.

The H needs to respect OP's boundaries and not poke her, give unwanted physical affection such as ear kissing and stealing her food. It's bullying - it's domestic abuse.
Sounds like a toxic relationship

OP your husband seems to think it’s ok for him to be continuously physical with you after you’ve said not to. Then blame you when you eventually react? And you haven’t even done anything, just raise a hand?

If someone continually poked me after I told them not to, I would be slapping them away.

Your husband is being a dick. Continually forcing unwanted physical contact on someone is abuse.

What are other people saying they’d do if someone wouldn’t stop poking them? Sit there all serene and allow the person to continue poking them?

Maybe your husband should try repeatedly poking a stranger and see what that gets him.

I see blame on both sides. You need to learn to control your anger and he needs to stop winding you up because he knows it currently triggers the reaction it does.

I am not a man hater, but I am on OP's side.

She is not a violent person. She doesn't threaten in order to get personal benefits at the expense of someone else, control a situation, or to get what she wants (the purpose of violence, see Lundy Bancroft)

She is REACTING to the provocation of fairly severe physical boundary violations.

IF they did not do these things, she wouldn't raise her hand. At all. Therefore, if H and Mum respected her, she would respect them. I think H is bullying her.

JMO.

Poking someone who doesn't want to be poked is physically intrusive, my husband used to do it and no longer does after my very extreme (though not hitting) reaction. It's an awful thing to do. If you poke someone, they may poke you back or worse.

Similarly, kissing when unwanted is highly intrusive.

Stealing food is an absolute no-no for me too.

In fact, all three things you mention are things I cannot and will not tolerate and would really upset me. Of course you shouldn't raise your hand, but you need to make your boundaries clear and that your husband should not do these these things.