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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I don't want to hit my DH

114 replies

CupOfRage · 08/05/2019 15:52

I don't really know where to start.

There have been occasions, arising with more frequency lately, where I have raised my hand to hit my DH, but not actually done it. This usually happens when he is irritating or winding me up and out happens by instinct before I have a chance to think about what I'm doing - I'm overcome with a flash of rage and my hand snaps out.

DH gets upset and says he would never hit me. I said it was because he was kissing my ear, poking my side, stealing my food, whatever thing he's doing to wind me up, and he then accuses me of victim blaming!

I have to say that I grew up with a violent father so perhaps this is a learned behaviour, but I'm not sure what to do. I'm afraid that one day I will strike him and I really don't want to do that.

I've told him to stop annoying me but he says he's just playing or joking or messing around or whatever.

OP posts:
mbosnz · 08/05/2019 19:33

Well, I'm wondering.

It seems to me that one partner is being abusive, physically and emotionally Another partner is verging on being physically abusive.

Would there be any point in counselling? Because as I understand it, counselling is not recommended when there is abuse.

And if not counselling, is it best if they call it a day?

thedancingbear · 08/05/2019 19:39

He's not fucking physically tormenting her though is he? In her own words, he's

'winding me up...kissing my ear, poking my side, stealing my food'

-basically being a pain in the arse. There's nothing - nothing - in her posts to suggest that he's putting her through some kind of intolerable abuse.

OP, he irritates you, you are thinking about attacking him. You're clearly mismatched and I think you should call this one a day.

longtimelurkerhelen · 08/05/2019 19:39

@thedancingbear

I am not saying this because the OP is a woman. If I were to do this repeatedly to my dh after he has told me he really doesn't like it, I would expect a shove at the least, just to get me out of his personal space.

I am not advising OP to hit her partner, but I understand the instinct to do it. We are animals and will react to provocation. Obviously we have self control, but sometimes it is just instinct.

bordellosboheme · 08/05/2019 19:40

Tickling is freaking horrible and overpowering. I'm not surprised you want to hit him op

QueenKubauOfKish · 08/05/2019 19:45

“dancingbear” now you’re minimising his actions. Op hates it and has asked him many times not to. It’s tickling and poking and kissing where she doesn’t like it. From a stranger that would be classed as assault.

Again that does not mean she’s free to whack him to her hearts content and she know that. But don’t minimise it, it’s awful.

longtimelurkerhelen · 08/05/2019 19:45

He's not fucking physically tormenting her though is he? In her own words, he's winding me up...kissing my ear, poking my side, stealing my food

So unwanted poking and kissing are not phyisically tormenting? Confused

mbosnz · 08/05/2019 19:47

If someone was kissing my ear, when I didn't like it and they knew I didn't like it,and poking my side, when he knew I didn't like it - then yes, they would be physically tormenting me. I'm not saying it would be intolerable abuse. It's certainly unacceptable. Stealing my food - why? Why would a grown adult of normal capacity do that? Particularly if they knew it upset their partner? To wind them up?

She has not hit her partner. She does not want to hit her partner. She should NOT hit her partner.

He however, continues to behave in an aggressive manner that he knows upsets her. Why?

thedancingbear · 08/05/2019 19:50

So unwanted poking and kissing are not phyisically tormenting?

Irritating yes, tormenting no. I mean, done over a sustained period of time in a vindictive way, it could be distressing but the OP hasn't posted anything to suggest this is the case. He sounds more of a nuisance, and I've recognised that his behaviour is not okay.

But when you say

'I want to hit him for you'

well, if that's not giving someone carte blanche to assault someone, I don't know what is.

DaisysStew · 08/05/2019 19:51

Unwanted poking, tickling and kissing is physically tormenting someone - how can you say it’s not? She asks him to stop and he carries on. She has every right to defend herself and make him stop (which she actually hasn’t - she manages to control it so she’s a better woman than me).

thedancingbear · 08/05/2019 19:52

QueenKubauOfKish as I say, I tend to agree that he sounds like a dick and his behaviour is not okay.

My main issue is with the posters encouraging the OP to hit him

thedancingbear · 08/05/2019 20:00

DaisyStew try this:

'the missus keeps prodding me, trying to kiss my neck, and stealing bits of food off my plate. So I belted her. AIBU to tell the police it was self defence?'

How does that sound to you?

longtimelurkerhelen · 08/05/2019 20:01

@thedancingbear

Maybe I should have put a Grin after that to indicate levity.

I am not saying it's okay to hit someone, just that I understand why she would have the urge. I would never encourage anyone to hit someone.

Anyway I will say no more, I don't want to derail the thread.

DaisysStew · 08/05/2019 20:03

She hasn’t hit him though Hmm.

If a man said she continually poked/tickled me even after telling her to stop and I momentarily raised my hand in anger (which is what the OP did) then I would have exactly the same reaction I have with this scenario- as I stated in my first post.

BumbleBeee69 · 08/05/2019 20:08

Exactly.. OP has HIT nobody.... Flowers

thedancingbear · 08/05/2019 20:10

I know that daisy. The point is that you are telling her it would be alright to do so, as it would count as self defence

My point is that it wouldn’t

MyCatHogsTheBed · 08/05/2019 20:10

You have an absolute right to bodily integrity. Nobody gets to touch, kiss, hug, or tickle you without your permission.

You absolutely have the right to defend yourself against unwanted touch. particularly when you have already told the person, repeatedly that you don't want to be touched in that way. A person who insists on touching you in the way they want when you don't is placing their desire to touch you above your right not to want to be touched and that is creepy at best and assault at worst.

You absolutely have the right to defend your own body. Is it proportional to raise a hand as if to slap him? I don't know, I'm not a fly on the wall. It would certainly be proportional to move out of his way if possible, to shout and scream at the top of your voice and if that that doesn't work or you can't, to push him away. If all that didn't work and it was tolerate until it was over or escalate to threatening to hit, I think that is absolutely a proportional response in the circumstances. But I'd damn well hope I could get the message through to my partner before it came to that, because he is attacking you and that is really not okay and it's a very short step between a raised hand and a slap.

His feelings have an ouchy when you express that he has, once again crossed your boundaries with regards to consent and touch? Oh diddums. Fuck that. Your bodily rights trump his boo boo feelings. I think he's acting hurt because he damn well knows that if he actually takes on board what he has been doing, he (should) would be horrified. He is man touching a woman without her consent. That's creepy as fuck.

If this were reversed I'd say the same. The person touching the other when they have clearly and repeatedly been told not to is the problem. The person being touched without their consent has the right to defend their own body.

DaisysStew · 08/05/2019 20:12

And I stand by that. And if I continually poked, tickled and physically annoyed a man after he warned me to stop and he hit me to make me stop then that would serve me right - play with feathers and you get your arse tickled. That’s life.

DogHairEverywhere · 08/05/2019 20:18

I think in this case, it's gone beyond merely irritating , and it sounds like the op is feeling distressed - that's why she feels like/is raising her hand to him. It sounds like you are minimising what she feels.
She recognises that going any further is wrong, but why is her dh pushing her to such limits?

MyCatHogsTheBed · 08/05/2019 20:21

It's also a really fucked up dynamic when somebody deliberately winds another person up, then acts upset when the other person gets wound up.

It's shitty. And it's even shittier to repeat the winding up then being upset behaviour. In fact many on mumsnet would call it gaslighting.

DogHairEverywhere · 08/05/2019 20:21

My previous post was to dancingbear, page slow to load.

BlueEyedBengal · 08/05/2019 20:26

My sister in law started like this with her now ex husband. Started with threats to hit/punch and before long actually hitting punching kicking usually after drink but sometimes not. He was 6ft 3ins and she is 5ft and he just took it and never retaliated. It lasted for 3 yrs until he led one day for work and never came back. D v starts somewhere it's up to you to recognise the triggers and not let threat turn into reality.

slipperywhensparticus · 08/05/2019 20:31

I have horrible reactions if an adult tickles me, a child can do it but I find adults that do it overbearing painful and I get angry about it and if anyone pokes my ear I will again get cross I DONT LIKE IT

Branleuse · 08/05/2019 21:12

@thedancingbear My partner already knows that if someone tickles me then I cant be held responsible because I cannot bear it. I dont mean im going to lamp someone that touches me, but if someone actually torments me on purpose with physical stuff like that, then I would likely hit out. I dont think I could actually help it, because it makes me panic and its a reflex. CRUCIALLY, my partner respects this and he doesnt do it to me because hes not a fucking dick.
lol @ I should be ashamed of myself.

HeckyPeck · 09/05/2019 08:14

There are multiple posters on this thread (branleuse longtimelurkerhelen and heckypeck, I'm looking at you) who are actively encouraging the OP to hit her partner. I find that really shocking. It's a real eye-opener.

I haven’t encouraged anyone to hit anyone. I said I’d slap someone if they repeatedly poked me and wouldn’t stop. I also said if someone is continuing doing unwanted physically things after being asked to stop to some one then I think it’s ok to hit them.

I’m not saying punch them in the face, but slapping them away it’s completely fine.

Why the hell should I stand around letting someone touch/kiss me in a way I don’t like?

ravenmum · 09/05/2019 09:10

*Might this be a sign that you have a deep-seated disrespect for your partner?

I don't know sad I don't think so but here I am.*

I'd say you need to think about this. I would wonder if you are actually, deep down, just plain irritated by him, and trying to convince yourself that you are not. It's OK to find someone annoying, even if they are a Nice Person: you don't have to be together just because of that, and it does neither of you any good in the end.

From your OP it seems you want to be nicer to him because you don't like being a nasty person, rather than because you are fond of him? In the long term, you need to be fond of someone. Both of you deserve to be with someone who's really fond of you.

My son pokes me even though I hate it. I'm not going to slap him. If I really, really hated it, and he did it again, I'd get angry with him. Me getting angry with him is such a rare occurrence that he would not do it again.