Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I don't want to hit my DH

114 replies

CupOfRage · 08/05/2019 15:52

I don't really know where to start.

There have been occasions, arising with more frequency lately, where I have raised my hand to hit my DH, but not actually done it. This usually happens when he is irritating or winding me up and out happens by instinct before I have a chance to think about what I'm doing - I'm overcome with a flash of rage and my hand snaps out.

DH gets upset and says he would never hit me. I said it was because he was kissing my ear, poking my side, stealing my food, whatever thing he's doing to wind me up, and he then accuses me of victim blaming!

I have to say that I grew up with a violent father so perhaps this is a learned behaviour, but I'm not sure what to do. I'm afraid that one day I will strike him and I really don't want to do that.

I've told him to stop annoying me but he says he's just playing or joking or messing around or whatever.

OP posts:
Dirtybadger · 08/05/2019 17:16

If you posted saying your DP repeatedly tickles you, puts his finger in your ear or any other similar physical pestering despite the fact you have told him not to, I would be saying LTB.

Combined with your aggressive response (I would bat someone off from physically interfering with me but thats quite different to raising your hand as if to slap as it then it about threat of violence) then its a double LTB. Before one or both of you are hurt.

ScreamingLadySutch · 08/05/2019 17:17

Maybe OP you could give him clear warning when he is not doing it "I really would like you to respect me when I ask you to stop doing something. I am really serious XXXX".

Then, when he starts, practise a calm 'please don't do that'.

Then, if he persists, LEAVE. Leave the house (have your coat and bag ready). Leave in the middle of cooking, putting the kids to bed, leave.

Go to a Premier Inn for the night and switch your phone off.

I think it would take only a few of those firm consequences for him to stop.

NabooThatsWho · 08/05/2019 17:19

Ugh so he’s winding you up, repeatedly doing things that he knows will annoy you, to try and get a reaction. No wonder you get the rage. It’s not ok.

HeckyPeck · 08/05/2019 17:21

Of course you shouldn't raise your hand, but you need to make your boundaries clear and that your husband should not do these these things.

I actually think it’s ok to hit someone if they’re doing unwanted physical things to you.

mbosnz · 08/05/2019 17:21

Why does he continue to physically accost you in a manner you clearly find objectionable?

He says that he would never hit you. Good.

Now why does he think that these forms of unwanted and distressing physical acts upon your person are okay?

You are obviously getting very frustrated and angry. What will it take for him to stop unnecessarily physically molesting you?

And no, it would not be okay for you to hit him. It's good that you have stopped yourself.

Now he needs to stop HIMself. His behaviour is not okay.

Didiusfalco · 08/05/2019 17:21

I’m slightly unclear about whether you are actually tempted to thump him as a separate attack or if you are trying to fend off unwanted physical contact? I think there is a massive difference and defending yourself from unwelcome touching is not at all the same.

rubyxo · 08/05/2019 17:27

@CuriousaboutSamphire no worries I did think this could look bad as it posted before I was done Blush

longtimelurkerhelen · 08/05/2019 17:49

YANBU I want to hit him for you.

All previous posters saying you are abusive are batshit.

If someone is physically poking, prodding, kissing, getting in your personal space despite being told that you really don't like it, what reaction are they expecting? Does he like making you angry and uncomfortable?

mbosnz · 08/05/2019 18:05

I shudder to think what would happen if DH kissed my ear. He'd shudder to think too. Thankfully he's not such an arrogant, inconsiderate arsehole that he'd ever do something that he knows I hate so much.

LoveCatzzz · 08/05/2019 18:11

Of course it's wrong to raise your hand to hit...but your dp should also respect your boundaries. If my dh did what you're is doing I would tell him to fuck off!

Branleuse · 08/05/2019 18:24

if someone kept kissing my ear or poking me or tickling me when they KNOW I dont like it, or dont stop when i ask them to stop, then id fucking lamp them

NeatFreakMama · 08/05/2019 18:30

He just needs to stop doing it, tell him you are deadly serious and give it a bloody rest.

DaisiesAreOurSilver · 08/05/2019 18:41

He sounds awful, OP. Why are you with him? He tortures you than feigns hurt when you react. Not normal.

DogHairEverywhere · 08/05/2019 19:01

I'm completely with you op. I think you've shown admirable control so far, but have recognised that your boundaries are being pushed and pushed again. I wonder if he's doing it to get a reaction, so that he can take the moral highground, which of course, he would deserve, as we all know physical violence is never ok.
If i were you, i would do something along the lines that ScreamingLady suggests. Next time he pushes your boundary, state clearly that you want him to stop and if he continues, leave immediately. I'm not sure I'd go as far as a night in a hotel, but I'd certainly leave for an hour or so, to make my point clearly that you wont stay around to be 'teased'.

thedancingbear · 08/05/2019 19:11

Admirable control? Fuck that. It is not ‘admirable control’ not to assault your fucking partner.

Classic mumsnet logic here folks:

Man raises hand to woman: man’s fault
Woman raises hand to man: man’s fault

So, so depressing that domestic violence against men simply doesn’t count

thedancingbear · 08/05/2019 19:12

branleuse how does that sound coming out of the mouth of a feller?

You should be ashamed

mbosnz · 08/05/2019 19:14

No, absolutely agree that domestic violence against men is as unacceptable as it is against women.

However, low-level assault against a person is equally unacceptable.

You have to question the motivations. . .

QueenKubauOfKish · 08/05/2019 19:16

Actually I think there would be some sympathy for a man in op’s position too. If he hadn’t hit anyone, was worried about his anger and wanted to do something about it, and was being deliberately physically provoked, I don’t think he’d be seen as a typical abusive partner. He’d probably be advised to leave the relationship as many people have advised OP.

QueenKubauOfKish · 08/05/2019 19:20

And actually, while op is talking about her anger and having been on the verge of hitting, it’s her dh who has been repeatedly, unpleasantly, physically aggressive - if also to a degree passive-aggressive.

thedancingbear · 08/05/2019 19:24

FWIW, I agree that the OP's partner sounds like a dick and his behaviour is not okay.

But the answer is absolutely not to escalate things by assaulting him.

There are multiple posters on this thread (branleuse longtimelurkerhelen and heckypeck, I'm looking at you) who are actively encouraging the OP to hit her partner. I find that really shocking. It's a real eye-opener.

thedancingbear · 08/05/2019 19:25

I've considered reporting the thread, but I think it's more instructive to leave these posts to stand for posterity. The OP clearly knows it would be the wrong thing to do.

ginandnappies · 08/05/2019 19:26

To everyone saying there is wrong on both sides, I'd love to see your responses if this was a woman saying her partner had raised his hand to her etc.

Absolute joke. OP I feel bad for your partner.

QueenKubauOfKish · 08/05/2019 19:31

People have said they would, or would want to, hit someone who was doing that to them or that they think that would be reasonable. That’s debatable but it’s certainly true that if a stranger did that stuff to you you would probably bat them off or worse, and many people would find that reasonable.

This is not the normal abuse situation at all. It’s a situation of being unbearably provoked (and I’m not exaggerating, I am also very ticklish and sensitive and I would find this seriously unbearable as does op) and the other person not stopping when asked.

I think ending the relationship if he does it one more time would be the best option. After a clear warming.

QueenKubauOfKish · 08/05/2019 19:32

Ugh warning

DaisysStew · 08/05/2019 19:33

If a woman was physically tormenting her partner I would say that was wrong too and fully understand the instinct to stop them by raising their hand. The OP hasn’t crossed a boundary by being physical - her DP has.

FWIW OP I really hate stuff like that too and sends me into a rage. It’s purposefully doing something to upset you and wind you up but disguising it as a joke so you seem like you’re in the wrong when you demand they stop.

I remember being about 15 and this really annoying girl spent all day tickling me - I mean non-stop for hours. Told her dozens of times to fuck off or I’d lamp her, she carried on and ended up getting punched. Everyone made out like I overreacted but honestly it was torture- my ribs were covered in bruises but because it was “just a joke” then it was apparently ok.