Boyfriend trapped with parents - what should I do?

[SarahPickles]

Three years ago a colleague and I fell in love. He is the most decent, caring, loyal, honest, kind man. The man I waited all my life to meet. He is 56 and I am 60, we are single, and we want to spend the rest of our lives together.

I own a house with ample space for him. But he lives with his parents because they are frail and elderly. He works as a clerk close to the house (in case they need him). All the rest of his time he is their (unpaid) carer, cook, cleaner, nurse, chauffeur, housekeeper, gardener and handyman.

We've spent a lot of time together at work, during breaks, plus about 6 hours during the weekend. He is always "on call" on his mobile. That means no trips away, no holidays and he can never stay at mine because we live 20 miles apart and he can't leave them alone all night.

I have nagged him to demand they give him more time off. They stubbornly refuse every suggestion. Won't hire anyone ("can't afford it/don't want strangers in the house") or apply for carer's allowance ("We'd never sponge off the State"), or allow any outside agency to get involved. They vow never to go into a home.

Their answer to everything is "We've got you. We don't need anyone else. You'll have your freedom when we're dead".

You could say they are holding him prisoner, partly emotional blackmail and partly dangling their £500k house equity as his eventual "payment" for years of unpaid labour. So he is trapped until they both die. That could be another 10 or 20 years.

I asked him to move in with me, (and marry me, so he inherits my house and savings) and force them to get carers' allowance to pay him and others to visit and look after them. But the State won't pay enough to cover 24 hour care, plus there is the neverending DIY he currently does. Plus he'd feel awful for abanoning them. So that is a "no".

I have retired and no longer see him daily at the office. So we are reduced to meeting for about 6 hrs a week. I have to drive 20 miles and sit in cafes, or pay for a hotel room (£80). Or he visits me for a couple of hours, and sits with one eye on his mobile in case they ring.

I feel fed up, aggrieved, lonely and hopeless about our future. He promises we WILL be together but I cannot pursue the question "when?" because that means speculating on when his parents will die, which is deeply distasteful. He admits that his mother could outlive him. I asked, "Where does that leave us?" His reply: "I'm trapped. I can't walk away, can I? I am sure it will sort itself out in the end."

I've thought hard about selling my gorgeous, unique home in a lovely area of a lovely town and moving to his (grotty) town and having to start all over again. My best friend said NO absolutely do NOT uproot yourself and lose your home and friends etc for a man who doesn't even have the balls to stand up to his parents. Even if I did, he still would not be able to move in with me. It would only remove the 40 mile round trip to meet up. I'd be paying a huge price for that.

Should I settle for a handful of hours a week with him, because he's my "ideal man", even if this isn't an "ideal situation"?

Or should I nag him to stand up to them and insist things change? Is it unethical to make demands, when they genuinely need him and I am self sufficient?

What do others do in this situation?

I can empathise OP. My mum is a widow in her mid 60s. My gran, her mum, is a widow in her early 90s. My mum has cared for her for years, albeit whilst maintaining her own home. My gran would love nothing more than for my mum to move in permanently. Fortunately, my mum has had enough strength and savvy over the years to stand her ground and say no. Your boyfriend, for whatever reason, hasn't been able to do that.

In your situation, I don't know what I would do. If you are happy with what you get from him then carry on, but if you aren't, then life really is too short to wait around for someone who is too weak (and I don't mean that to sound derogatory) to stand up to his parents. If his mum is only 78 then you could be looking at another 10-15 years of this.

What would he say if you said you wanted to rent out your house and you'll move in with them all to help.
Would he be thrilled at the prospect of seeing more of you, or horrified because his home life can't change b

Does he have any siblings? Any aunts/uncles/other family members that wouldn't be viewed as 'outsiders' who could intercede or support him?

IrmaFayLear

you could suggest a weekend break. Just two days

I started off gentler than that. I suggested one night, in a hotel, 10 miles from his house. He said it was "out of the question". He had to make their dinner, wash up, tidy up, put them to bed at 10, and sleep in the room next door. I never bothered asking again.

MrJolly

you haven't been there because they won't allow strangers in...you're their son's partner! Haven't they wanted to meet you?

I don't want anything to do with people who treat my b/f they way they have. They knew of me as their son's work colleague. I don't know if he has discussed how close we've become since then. They fear me, they certainly don't want to meet me any more than I want to meet them

OP you posted because you don't like the situation this man says he is in. It goes far further than him being kindly and caring towards his parents - and you know it. He's hiding behind them.

OP "My OP is about me, and whether I should nag him to do something about his situation, or shut up about it and either accept what he can offer, or stop all contact"

well I wouldn't nag anyone
ultimately I think adults have choices. There might be a "nudge" factor in some things - I nudged a friend to get carers in for her parents as she was running herself ragged because they didn't want outsiders.

but don't "nag" him.

I would also say don't give up your lovely home. It sounds like you have a nice life that you enjoy. It doesn't have to be a black and white choice between all or nothing. But if the situation is wearing you down on a daily basis, I would end it. It sounds as if the drive etc and the phone calls are an "escape" for him to some extent.

I also wonder if he's got so entrenched in a certain way of life that when they are gone, he will immediately want to live with someone else.

however, with his mum only 78, I would say it could be a very long time and also, the stress of caring might actually finish him off before his parents go.

I wonder if, psychologically, friendship is a better way to view the whole thing.

You seem very angry that his parents have put him in this position. I admit, I was very angry with my friends' parents when they refused carers - she was going round every day to get her father up and down the stairs! It was my anger that prompted my comments to her, but that was one afternoon, one conversation. I wouldn't have "nagged" if she hadn't decided to go for it.

so you do have accept the free choice he has here. I'm trapped in FOG myself at the mo - seeing elderly mum far more often than I want to - but I admit that is largely my choice. I have guilt issues when I don't go round, but that is about me.

www.agingcare.com/articles/controlling-elderly-parents-134529.htm

woolduvet

What would he say if you said you wanted to rent out your house and you'll move in with them all to help.

He'd know I was joking. He knows I don't want to be someone else's parents' unpaid doestic servant!

gitfeatures

any siblings? Any aunts/uncles/other family members

No family whatsoever. Parents sibs are all dead and b/f is an only child.

I don't have a partner, just a man whose company I enjoy for a few hours a week

As a single lady in her 60s I can perhaps empathise, and if the above was all you wanted I imagine this whole situation wouldn't be an issue ... but it isn't all you want is it?

Personally I couldn't tolerate the choice he's making (and it IS a choice), but whatever the rights and wrongs he can hardly make it clearer that he isn't going to change. Therefore there seems little point in "helping" with benefit links and all the rest; all you can do is decide whether the little he's giving is worth the angst or if you'd prefer to move forward just as friends and nothing else

Either way I think you deserve better than to be his emotional crutch while he awaits the money, and personally I'd be making that pretty clear

Being constantly "on call" for them & the limited time he spends with Op is his choice

I don't think you understand the level of pressure and obligation that some people feel, especially in an unhealthy parent/child relationship which is fundamentally unequal. Things become part of the normal dynamic of a relationship which are obviously not healthy to people looking in from the outside. Do you feel that women who are abused by their husbands should just leave? Or do you recognise that there are certain psychological states (for want of a much better phrase) that people find themselves in that are extremely difficult to break? It's overly simplistic - and betrays a lack of understanding of how human beings tick under pressure - to take the stance that people in situations like OP's partner can just leave, easy peasy.

what doesn't "add up"? I cannot lay out his entire life story and relationship and work history on this thread. It's the here and now that matters and I have told what I need to, to explain my situation. what doesn’t add up is that prior to this situation he has apparently lived an independent life, with a partner, a full relationship, but subsequent to that relationship breaking down for whatever reason he moved in with his parents to the exclusion of everyone and everything else. To the extent that you have never spent the night together in three years, outsiders are not allowed into the house, you have never met them ever. That’s not a trap you just fall into he has chosen to live that life. There is absolutely no way that he can never go anywhere ever because he has to cook their dinner every night. It’s simply not possible and he’s not being honest with you about something, even if that’s the fact that he’s using his parents as an excuse for not wanting an actual relationship with you. Because the reality here is that you’re not in a relationship, you spend six hours a week together, presumably some of that time you may have sex but he has never stayed with you, ever in three years. You cannot possibly think to want a marriage based on the little time you have spent together over the past three years, and no, seeing each other at work doesn’t count as part of a relationship.

You are a friend with benefits to him and nothing more. If he wanted more from your relationship he would seek it and he hasn’t. He’s had a relationship before so it’s not as if he’s not capable of forging one, but in this instance he has chosen not to.

Only you can decide whether you are happy with that, but he is not being honest with you.

thanks again for all the replies. I do read each and every one carefully and take something from it.

it's especially useful to read people who know carers or are or were carers because I want to see how they felt, what they did to ameliorate the situation and what they wish they had done at the time.

Something perhaps I did not make clear is that he explained everything about his home situation to me over a period of two years whilst we were work colleagues, before either of us had any idea that we were ever going to become romantically involved. So these repeated suggestions that he is lying to get with me are wrong.

he explained everything about his home situation to me ... whilst we were work colleagues, before either of us had any idea that we were ever going to become romantically involved

Ah - in that case, can I ask how you came to regard him as a possible romantic interest rather than just a friend? I realise these things develop organically, but surely it would have been obvious even then that they wouldn't let go easily?

Your resentment towards his parents is understandable to some degree

However he point blank refuses to make any changes

I'm sorry but you seem to be way down on his list of priorities and frankly I think you could do better! Anything would be better than a measly 6hours a week with resentment all over the place

NoCauseRebel

You cannot possibly think to want a marriage based on the little time you have spent together over the past three years, and no, seeing each other at work doesn’t count as part of a relationship.

I totally disagree, AND it's not for you to say if it counts or not because I am the one in the relationship and it counts for me.

Maybe you underestimate how much time we spent together at work, and how well you can get to know a person in that time.

The best part of 40 hours a week for two years. Working together, and tea breaks and lunch breaks. That is longer than most courting couples spend together before they get married. Then once we became romantic, that 40 hrs for the next three years PLUS about six hours a week outside of work.

How many couples in full time work spend 46 awake hours a week together?

As I explained in the OP, my problem is that I have now retired and the 46 hrs a week we used to be in each other's company is now down to just the 6.

Oh dear god.
Op this is never going to change.
End it ,set yourself free.
He is not your ideal man ,because he’s only free 6 hours a week

12 pages, 290 messages - have you got what you wanted from this thread OP?

Puzzledandpissedoff

can I ask how you came to regard him as a possible romantic interest

I didn't. I was dating other men for the first two years I knew him.

I fell in love with him, and him with me, naturally. We didn't plan it or coldly calculate it or evaluate whether the other was suitable. I was dating men who were available and actively looking for a relationship. Have you tried this lately? They are mostly porn sick and sex mad, or demanding and entitled, or dirty and scruffy, or liars and cheating on the wife. For two years I was dating losers whilst spending my days with a nice, kind, sweet man who wasn't anything like them. And I just fell in love with him.

The only person who can change this situation is him.
I’m sorry op
But he clearly dosnt want to change anything,if he wasn’t happy he would change things.
This is just a friends with benefits situation

I enjoy the short time we have together. We've never had a row because that time becomes precious. I like him phoning several times a day and is interested in what I am up to, and cares for my welfare, and advises me when I am in a pickle, and helps where he can

That’s not what’s it like when you live with someone . You have differences of opinion. However much you protest about knowing him - this isn’t real life.

It may be that he prefers things this way and that’s why he’s not willing to change things. Because the change has to come from HIM not you.

He’s not on MN or carers forums asking for advice, is he ? It’s not your job to resolve this, it’s his.

That’s why people say he’s content the way things are. He’s not willing to pay the price of making a change. He would rather live like this for the next 20 year than deal with the fear and guilt.

There’s nothing you can do to change this. Stay or go - that’s your only options.

Sorry x posted with snowdrop.

To be fair, he has been very clear all along. He has told you that this is how it's going to be. You can either accept the crumbs or find someone you can share your life with. He won't change (and doesn't seem to want to change anyway) and this situation could continue for another 20 years or more.

I agree with your friend. I think you're on to a loser with this one.

I started off gentler than that. I suggested one night, in a hotel, 10 miles from his house. He said it was "out of the question". He had to make their dinner, wash up, tidy up, put them to bed at 10, and sleep in the room next door. I never bothered asking again.

So clearly from this you can tell from this where his priorities lie, and sadly OP they are not and will not ever be you.

I feel very sorry for him if all of this is genuinely true and he genuinely feels trapped. I have a son, he’s my only child. I would never ever allow my son to become my or DH’s carer in our old age. Ever. Even if it took some very drastic action to prevent this scenario.

I understand how these things can develop, Sarah, and you're right that 40+ hours a week is sometimes less than settled couples have together (at least awake!!)

But the 6 hours a week you have since retirement is clearly all it's ever going to be while his parents are alive. He really couldn't make it any more plain, so surely all that's left is to decide if you can still see him as a romantic interest on that basis, or whether you prefer to just be friendly?

OP You don't have to tell us, but cast your mind back. When you announced that you were going to retire, what did your boyfriend say?

Did he say something like 'Oh, I'm going to miss you so much, how are we going to arrange to go on seeing each other? I've got big problems with my parents, and I'm sure they'll make a fuss and I'm sure I'll feel bad about 'neglecting' them, but I'll try to find some sort of a solution ...'

If he didn't say that sort of thing, then, well ...

Another question. When he's at work, does he check his phone for calls from them all the time, like you say he does when he's with you?
If not, why not? What reason would he give?

I don't want to sound critical; clearly you are in a very unhappy situation. Best wishes.

If he is lovely as you say he is OP then you should be able to sit down and talk with him about what you both want from your relationship.

If both of you genuinely want to be together, then there has to be some way for you to work towards achieve a set of compromises that make you happy. If not then I'm sorry, but he is just not that into you.

Either way you deserve to know.