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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Husband had thrown me out.

143 replies

Carnoet78 · 08/05/2019 09:27

I’m devastated, I had a stupid fling over a couple of weeks which he found out about. We’re not together, I’m on my own, hotel hopping. I have three young children, one of which is disabled and I’m her registered carer. I have no job, no transport nowhere to live and no money. He won’t let me back home. I spend my days crying my heart out. I suffer with depression anyway but this is the lowest I’ve ever been.

OP posts:

Bluestitch · 08/05/2019 10:20

I've seen plenty of posters advise kicking cheating husbands out but usually an equal number of responses saying that you can't legally do that. Usually the 'kicking out' of men involves an agreement to leave, not by force which appears to be the case here.

wengie · 08/05/2019 10:20

They are married so it doesn't matter whose name is on the deeds.

Did he buy the house before they got married or after. You could be right but I thought it was while you were married what you gained in that time as a married couple.

JenniferJareau · 08/05/2019 10:20

He won’t let me back home.

What do you mean by that? He physically will not let you in the door or is it just verbal?

Original poster

Carnoet78 · 08/05/2019 10:22

The kids are with him. The house is in joint names.
I completely understand the comments - you messed up deal with it!!
But as the mother of 3 girls, they need me as much as I need them.
He doesn’t want me back , I get that. But I need my kids.

OP posts:

Prequelle · 08/05/2019 10:22

no I fucking thought not..all you keyboard warriors dying to jump on OP..how about looking at it from another angle.. she looks after a disabled child..prob gets no help from husband.. stressed to fuck and someone shows her some affection..she's vulnerable and takes the affection..easily done when you're vulnerable don't you think??

You have no idea how much the husband helps for one, and for two the 'poor vulnerable woman needing affection so cheats' trope is a worn out double standard that does women no favours whatsoever. We are just as capable of doing selfish despicable actions as men are, we don't need some wishy washy emotive crap to try to condone our actions

onemorecupofcoffeefortheroad · 08/05/2019 10:23

Grow up her name might not be on the lease or the house

They are married, it's the marital home - it makes no difference, she is entitled to be there. My name wasn't on the deeds of our house when I split from my DH - but I had every right to continue living there which I did and I got a greater share of the value because the children were living with me.

You need legal advice OP not judgement. Try and get a free half hour with a solicitor or go to citizens advice.

And I would say exactly the same if it was a man in this position.

Singlenotsingle · 08/05/2019 10:24

Matrimonial assets are everything that is brought to the marriage, or obtained during the course of it.

Prequelle · 08/05/2019 10:24

OP you are entitled to go back. I don't know how you're going to live under the same roof but the kids need you so you're both just going to have to be civil until you or him gets somewhere else

I feel sorry for the kids having their lives turned upside down over a bloody fling

wengie · 08/05/2019 10:24

Return back to your home and call the police if he doesn't let you in. He has no right locking you out. You have a responsibility to your children. Walk tall and be strong.

crosspelican · 08/05/2019 10:25

I have no job, no transport nowhere to live and no money.

I would strongly suggest sorting that aspect out asap. At the very least, you could line up some cleaning work for next week - not ideal, but it's cash in hand and a few posts on some local Facebook groups/local websites could get you actually working within a couple of days, if physical cash is an urgent need (which is seems to be).

Even if you were as pure as the driven snow, and HE had had the affair, you are hugely vulnerable with no access to money or transport. If you are able to salvage your marriage, don't let yourself get into this position again where you have literally nothing without your husband's "permission".

Singlenotsingle · 08/05/2019 10:26

Well said wengie.

slashlover · 08/05/2019 10:27

Woman cheats - Well she probably had her reasons, THE MAN MUST BE SCUM.

Man cheats - LTB! What a pig! Cheating arsehole! LTB! Poor you. THE MAN IS SCUM!

Bluestitch · 08/05/2019 10:27

Are you in receipt of carer's allowance OP? You need to return home and make sure you have any benefits in your name going to you.

TheHodgeoftheHedge · 08/05/2019 10:28

If the house is in joint names, he cannot just throw you out!

HolesinTheSoles · 08/05/2019 10:30

It doesn't matter who cheated. It doesn't matter if OP slept with a different guy every day of the week. The children come first. If OP has been the main carer of her children this should continue at least in the short term to provide consistency. This should also happen in the children's home. Whoever's name the house is in as they are married her husband cannot legally throw her out.She needs to seek legal advice. Her DH has the right to divorce her as a result of the affair but however angry and upset everyone is the immediate living situation has to put the children first.

downcasteyes · 08/05/2019 10:30

I believe that if you own or rent the house together, you have equal rights of access. But I am not an expert. I think you would be well advised to ask for legal advice on the law forum, and in real life too.

IvanaPee · 08/05/2019 10:30

You know now that legally you can go back and start to sort things out.

You can’t force him to stay with you, and you can’t force him to leave because you couldn’t keep it in your pants.

You need a lawyer, as does he.

And perhaps think about the absolute chaos you’ve inflicted on your children the next time you want to have a casual fling.

HolesinTheSoles · 08/05/2019 10:31

All these idiotic keyboard warriors berating OP what do you actually want to know? We don't know why she cheated, it probably wasn't a good idea but it's also irrelevant to the actual question of where OP lives and who looks after the kids.

hellsbellsmelons · 08/05/2019 10:33

Get yourself to CAB and talk to them about your options.
So your DH is now not working and looking after all 3 girls?
How long can he maintain that?

IvanaPee · 08/05/2019 10:36

What are you on about @HolesInSoles ?

Every single poster has given her advice.

HolesinTheSoles · 08/05/2019 10:41

@IvanaPee

Did you think about your kids, your caring responsibilities and the fact you have no job, no car and no money when you were enjoying your fling?

You're totally right that comment and the others like it have offered valuable and useful advice that I'm sure will help improve the situation for OP and her kids. I must be totally illiterate!

Bluestitch · 08/05/2019 10:45

TBF Holes that was the very first response. All other comments have either advised (whether it's advice you agree with or not) or asked the OP for more information. 'All these idiotic keyboard warriors' is misrepresenting the thread.

WienerDiva · 08/05/2019 10:45

I'm going to suggest you listen to @HolesinTheSoles

Separate the the fling/you and husband ending from the priorities of the children.

Rain0ntheW1nd0w · 08/05/2019 10:47

You should be claiming the child benefit in your name if you are not working, because this pays your 'stamp' for your state pension & other things if you are in UK look on www.gov.uk
Secondly, if the house is in joint names, you should have access to go back

00100001 · 08/05/2019 10:49

how is is you have "no money" but are able to stay in hotels?

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