Wish I hadn’t seen this. Is the relationship doomed?

[mrenabeena]

I’ve NCd because I would be mortified if this were to be linked to my usual NN.

I just moved in with my partner and it’s been an incredibly stressful move as half our stuff initially went missing because the delivery company went to the wrong address then tried to bill us extra as they claimed it was our mistake!

And that is just the tip of the iceberg.

I had to use DP’s laptop whilst the main computer was awol and came across a video of him having anal sex with his ex. I felt like I’d been punched in the gut and even though I know logically that it was something he did before he met me, I can’t help but feel upset.

He has never tried to have anal with me or even suggested it which makes me wonder why and if I’m boring in bed. He looked so into her in the video and I desperately wish I’d never seen it but the image is now burning on my mind.

I haven’t told him that I’ve seen it and the rational part of me thinks that I have no right to confront him as it is his past and we all have a past and exes.

But the irrational part of my brain thinks that I don’t ever want to have sex with him again. I am disturbed by what I saw to the extent that I can’t bear the thought of him ever touching me again.

This happened a week ago and I’ve been making the excuse that I’m sleeping in the spare room because I need proper rest for work (he is a snorer). But at some point I know I need to confront this or else the relationship is doomed.

Was it open on the screen or did you have to go digging for it?

Maybe his ex was into it and asked him, doesn’t mean he wants to do it with you.

Leave.

No it was in his videos file. I promise I wasn’t snooping! I opened it out of curiosity I admit but absolutely did not expect to find this.

You sound repulsed by him. Not sure you can get over that.

How would you feel if he found out about something you did sexually with a previous partner and then said knowing that meant he never wanted to touch you or be sexual with you again? How controlling!

Yes there is a conversation to be had regarding deleting the video (he may have forgotten it was there) but to actually say you don’t want him to be with him any more because of it is totally unfair. With that in mind though you should probably leave him.

I have had a ‘colourful past’ and if my husband found that that changed the way he felt about me I wouldn’t want to be with him either.

The relationship may be doomed anyway. Why did you look at the video. How did you come across it? Why did you watch it when you realised what it was.

Really just don’t get how people just come across conversations, pictures and videos without trying. There are lots of variations of this scenario posted on here. Some pp will say he was disrespectful to keep it and so on. Others will point out you invaded his privacy.

Personally I wouldn’t want to be with someone who snooped like this. I could not trust you again. But you know him so need to think about what his response will be. All he can do is delete it. All you can do is forget about it or not, dooming your relationship.

Oh and you were snooping - you went into the videos file as you were curious about what he had in there. The faux innocence is a bit ridiculous.

I don’t know if I’m repulsed but I do feel completely gutted and I’m not even sure why. Maybe it’s because we don’t have sex very often which I’ve always been frustrated by but he has always just put down to not having a big sex drive. So seeing this has made me go into a sort of crisis and making me question whether it’s me that he doesn’t find as sexually attractive but other stuff works as a couple.

It’s ok to have boundaries. You’ve discovered one of yours - you don’t want to have sex with a man who keeps a video of himself having anal sex with an ex. That’s fine. Now you know that, you can leave him with a clear conscience.

So, was this video just something he’d made on his phone?

You were snooping and I can understand curiosity may have made it tempting when you were sitting there with his computer in your hands. It's not a nice thing to have seen at all, no one wants to look at stuff like this. It clearly has really affected you badly and that's just how it is. I think it's worth you going to speak to a counsellor alone, if you can't find a way to think differently about it (and that's completely up to you, you have every right to have the emotions which you do) then this relationship isn't going anywhere, so don't draw it out unnecessarily.
Some will say it shouldn't bother you, but the way you feel about things is completely up to you.

Ah I see, well then there’s a real conversation to be had then separately from finding that video. I can see more why you have reacted the way you have. Could you sit him down and have a conversation about sex (video aside)?

I really wasn’t snooping. We have always had access to each other’s phones, photos and videos, Facebook, twitter instagram etc. He has full permission to open mine and has always been happy for me to see his. Mainly family photos and albums that we cba to send over so it’s easier to just look on each other’s phones.

Are you disturbed by the act itself, videoing it or keeping it or a combination of all?

I’ve just deleted my collection of videos from my ex as I’ve met someone new. But the sex happened and it’s in my memory but found it disrespectful to hold on to them (although I was given permission to do so) for the new guy. People will have difference opinions of this though. think you’re going to have to speak to your partner if you feel the way you do.

I’m disturbed and upset that maybe I just don’t do it for him sexually. We don’t have that sort of sex life and I had put it down to him not being a particularly sexual person but amazing in other ways so I compromised on that side of things. So to find this makes me question everything.

I promise I wasn’t snooping! I opened it out of curiosity I admit but absolutely did not expect to find this.

That’s a bit contradictory - you absolutely were snooping if you looked in his video files and then watched one that just so happened to be him shagging someone - unless the reason you were using his computer was to look for a video of something specific.

I’ve seen a photo of my DP cupping his ex’s (clothed) boob when I was looking for something in a drawer once. It has stayed etched in my brain, so god knows how you’ll ever manage to erase this from your memory.

You’re going to have to employ some serious techniques to put some distance in your mind between the partner you’re with now, and the person he was then with someone else. Counselling may help, or perhaps even just time.

But either way you need to talk to him, be honest, explain that you’re concerned about not having much sex or that you’re not what he’s looking for and see if you can work on your own relationship instead of worrying about his previous one.

@mrenabeena

You were wrong to snoop, but it’s done and you can’t go back, so now it’s just a case of being honest.

Sex lives really aren’t comparable, just because you’re doing different things it doesn’t mean it isn’t as enjoyable or as fulfiling with you, and after all, an ex is an ex for a reason.

What I would be more concerned about would be why he’s keeping sex tapes of another person. Does his ex know he has the tape, was she aware it was being made?

Why has he still got this video? I would think that when a relationship ends, if there have been any consenting intimate pictures or videos made between the couple then the etiquette and morally correct thing to do is to delete them. Does his ex know he still has this?

I would specifically want to know if he has forgotten that he has this video on his laptop or does he want to keep it so he can reminisce wank to it?
I don't know how you could judge the truthfulness of his answer but the fact that he gave you unrestricted access to his laptop would maybe point in his favour.

It is the answers to all the above questions that would tell me if I needed to leave this man

We all know ex's have a history, it is just unfortunate that you now have a very explicit visual reminder in your memory.

Don't necessarily read anything into the type of sex he was having as that may have been his ex girlfriends preference not his.

Could you bring up the subject of trying new things in bed?

Maybe his ex was into it and asked him, doesn’t mean he wants to do it with you.

Exactly this. You need an honest conversation before you can come to any conclusions about it.

Sorry op, you were snooping and then you went ahead and continued to watch the video after you saw it was of him having sex. You could have closed the window immediately. You've completely violated his privacy and now you are punishing him for it. I strongly suggest you end this relationship. It is clearly not going to go the distance.

I am so glad I was born before anal and sex tapes became the norm.

As pp said maybe his ex liked it. Maybe it was a one off he tried it didnt want to do it again.

The fact hed done it with an ex wouldn't bother me. The fact he still had the video would.

If you have full permission to open folders, pictures and videos on each other’s devices then I would say there is a conversation to be had here.

I would tell him that you saw it and how it has affected you.

How much of the video did you actually watch? Surely it would only take 2 seconds to see it was a sex tape and then you could have stopped it. Now you have all these horrible images in your head.