Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Original poster

Wish I hadn’t seen this. Is the relationship doomed?

109 replies

mrenabeena · 05/05/2019 12:44

I’ve NCd because I would be mortified if this were to be linked to my usual NN.

I just moved in with my partner and it’s been an incredibly stressful move as half our stuff initially went missing because the delivery company went to the wrong address then tried to bill us extra as they claimed it was our mistake!

And that is just the tip of the iceberg.

I had to use DP’s laptop whilst the main computer was awol and came across a video of him having anal sex with his ex. I felt like I’d been punched in the gut and even though I know logically that it was something he did before he met me, I can’t help but feel upset.

He has never tried to have anal with me or even suggested it which makes me wonder why and if I’m boring in bed. He looked so into her in the video and I desperately wish I’d never seen it but the image is now burning on my mind.

I haven’t told him that I’ve seen it and the rational part of me thinks that I have no right to confront him as it is his past and we all have a past and exes.

But the irrational part of my brain thinks that I don’t ever want to have sex with him again. I am disturbed by what I saw to the extent that I can’t bear the thought of him ever touching me again.

This happened a week ago and I’ve been making the excuse that I’m sleeping in the spare room because I need proper rest for work (he is a snorer). But at some point I know I need to confront this or else the relationship is doomed.

OP posts:

IrishGal21 · 05/05/2019 13:18

Pandora's box...

ImNotNigel · 05/05/2019 13:19

Does it bother you that your sex life with him is a bit rubbish ?

Are you concerned that if you bring the subject ( of sex between you ) up with him , he will pressurise you to do things you don’t want to?

TheRedBarrows · 05/05/2019 13:20

You need to talk with him about this.

He is with you now, and he presumably has his reasons for that - like he WANTS to be. Relationships are interactive and responsive - the relationship a person has with one person is not the same as with others.

What would bother me though is that it is still on his laptop.

It could be that he just forgot to delete it, but it could be that he kept it deliberately, which I think is unethical to her and to you.

You need to talk honestly with him about it. You have no choice really, unless you are prepared to stay unhappy and uncommunicative in your relationship, or to take the unilateral decision to end it based on what you saw.

S1naidSucks · 05/05/2019 13:22

Please don’t have anal sex with him just because you want him to find you desirable. It can cause a lot of damage and I know some posters like having anal, but personally I think, unless you’re a gay man, you have a hole for a penis. I can never shake the feeling that it’s a power thing when a man wants to stick his penis in a woman’s ass.

chaosisaladder · 05/05/2019 13:23

I found pics of my DH’s ex when we first got together. I was bit pissed off but those were just my emotions and nothing to actually do with him.

People are different in different relationships. Talk to him about it.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 05/05/2019 13:24

sexual act with an ex,they’re no longer a couple However it’s understandably disturbed you

But he can’t be held to account for something he did that predates you.
You’ll not be able to keep using lame excuses for no intimacy
So you need to decide
Tell him,you snooped and saw it.now you’re preoccupied
Don’t tell him,see if you can move on
Is it so undermining to relationship that you can’t carry on

ChairmanMeow999 · 05/05/2019 13:24

Try it - you might like it...

PeakedTooEarly · 05/05/2019 13:24

I would be concerned that he is still 'using' this video instead of having binned it off. I think that would bother me equally.

ChrisPrattsFace · 05/05/2019 13:28

I had the same thought process as @PeakedTooEarly - for me I would be concerned he was still using it for his own benefit. There’s a personal level to that over using porn.
I would be upset it was still there - but I think beyond that would need to be a conversation about what you both want/desire from your relationship.

Fairenuff · 05/05/2019 13:28

Maybe it’s because we don’t have sex very often which I’ve always been frustrated by but he has always just put down to not having a big sex drive

Or maybe he's gay. I know lots of people who like bum sex aren't gay but there's always a chance he is if he was so into the bum sex but isn't really into vaginal sex with you.

JuniFora · 05/05/2019 13:29

Why don't you ask him for anal if you want it? If he hasn't asked you, it was probably her thing.

If he's going to keep sex tapes of his ex, he should ensure nobody else has access to them. She didn't agree to make that for your eyes. He should have respect for her privacy.

You knew he had a sex life before you, you snooped, you saw what wasn't yours to see. That's on you.

Fairenuff · 05/05/2019 13:29

Also, I would delete the video. If he asks why I would ask why he felt the need to look at sex videos with his ex.

SimonJT · 05/05/2019 13:29

@Fairenuff

If that were the case, why would prefering anal sex over vaginal sex with a woman make anyone gay?!

MancaroniCheese · 05/05/2019 13:31

You need to talk to him about it.

I found nudes of OH's ex on his phone - genuinely accidentally - he hooked his unlocked phone to my mac to charge it and it immediately synched the photos and opened them all up.

He was horrified that he had forgotten to delete them, apologised and immediately deleted them. He was concerned that I was hurt and upset - which I was, but we talked, cleared the air and put it behind us.

It was several years ago but the images are still etched on my mind as others have said, so I can understand that this will be difficult for you.

Carashand · 05/05/2019 13:33

You have no right to delete his videos. I would be hugely pissed off if a partner decided to delete videos/pics of my ex as he deemed me not to need them anymore.

I have a photo of a naked ex in a shoebox somewhere. I maybe look it at every few years. It’s a lovely memory of a great day skinny dipping in Australia. It’s nobody else’s business to decide what I should or shouldn’t keep.

S1naidSucks · 05/05/2019 13:34

If he’s happy for you to be on his laptop, are you sure he didn’t want you to find it? Is he trying to prepare you for when he asks for anal. If be very concerned about a man that prefers anal over vaginal sex. I’m not talking about occasional anal, though I’m not into that, but that actually prefers anal.

Independentwoman · 05/05/2019 13:35

Be kind to yourself. I would be absolutely heartbroken if I came across a video of my DH with another person.

Your reaction is just knee jerk at seeing him being intimate with another person. As other PP have said she possibly asked and that's why he hadn't tried with you because you haven't.

You need to speak to him about it. Any loving partner will understand why you're upset and reassure you. Yes it was before you but I seriously doubt he'd be over the moon to see footage of you having sex with another man. You can move past it.

Justaboy · 05/05/2019 13:36

I really wasn’t snooping. We have always had access to each other’s phones, photos and videos, Facebook, twitter instagram etc. He has full permission to open mine and has always been happy for me to see his.

Well that is a good thing nothing hidden from each other.

He has a porn stash tell me of a man thta hasnt got a few porn or sex vids somewhere. I've never done any with anyone tho come close to it, it wouldnt be that pretty anyway!

However I don't think its all doomed as you say some open communications between you are in order but that can be very awkward and difficult as its probley the most awkward thing for most couples to talk about anyway.

So they were doing A then OK?, its OK can't say I like it myself though some men do and it does not make your bloke gay at all!

So try to talk to each other and try to calm down about it all!

Fairenuff · 05/05/2019 13:36

If that were the case, why would prefering anal sex over vaginal sex with a woman make anyone gay?!

I didn't say it would make him gay.

I said maybe he is gay and that's why he prefers anal over vaginal.

emmeline333 · 05/05/2019 13:39

It’s ok to have boundaries. You’ve discovered one of yours - you don’t want to have sex with a man who keeps a video of himself having anal sex with an ex. That’s fine. Now you know that, you can leave him with a clear conscience.

Agree with this. It's bloody weird to keep videos of yourself having sex with an ex.

ChairmanMeow999 · 05/05/2019 13:39

There's every possibility that he has absolutely NO idea that its even there.

It could be something they tried in drink , years ago.

Does anyone own an iPhone / Mac?

My word you have to be careful. I synch'd mine recently, and about 2,000 old photos that I didn't even know where on my Mac or phone appeared. 99% of them were of the dogs / kids - but one was of my other half in a saucey pose that had been sent to me when away at work! Lol

It was about 5 years old - and was deleted before the kids saw it!

Literally, one bit of software update, and the iCloud hoovers everything up - and then shared it! Lol

I know it seems to be a bit of a competition on here sometimes to see who can post the most neurotic bungling answer - but seriously....

Suggesting he's gay?

FFS

If you want to know how often he's looking at it - right click on the file and see if it offers your the opportunity to see 'properties' there's often a section in there which will tell you when the file was last opened.

Leave it well alone, and have a look next month - £50 says you were the last person to see it.

He's almost certainly forgotten it was there.

As for the act of anal sex. Well, it's not for everyone - I like it - but there you go...

If he is looking at the video - maybe things are a bit vanilla for him - maybe it is time to spice things up a bit - if anal definately isn't for you - then don't do it - but maybe ask him to slip a finger in there, and see if it blows your mind... It might.

Mrsong · 05/05/2019 13:41

That's a really tough one op. It may just be something you can't get past through no fault of yours/his. If you had free access to his computer I would think he forgot it's on there. I think talk to him. He should offer to delete it ( in front of you) But the image in your head may be too much to live with. I suppose it depends on how invested you are, if there are kids involved etc. Does it look like she knew she was being filmed? Because that's a whole other issue!

Madamedeluxe · 05/05/2019 13:43

It must have been a very close up video but then you say you could also see his face in it. Who took it?

Babdoc · 05/05/2019 13:43

Quite apart from all the other issues arising from this can of worms, and already mentioned by PPs - has he taken any videos of you? Are you happy for his future partners to view them if you and he split up? And do you know the reason why he and the ex split?

MashPotatoMashPotato · 05/05/2019 13:46

I don't understand why you are upset? Unless he told you he was a virgin before you met I don't see what he's done wrong. He might not actually know the video was still on there if you've gone snooping deep into old folders. As for thinking he's big into that sort of thing, how long ago was this video shot? Chances are he was experimenting with his gf at the time.

When I first got together with my husband years ago we tried it quite a few times, 15 years on we both agree normal sex is much better all round, we don't have any desire to experiment with that again. We were young and game to try things as I'm sure many people are.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5