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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Wish I hadn’t seen this. Is the relationship doomed?

109 replies

mrenabeena · 05/05/2019 12:44

I’ve NCd because I would be mortified if this were to be linked to my usual NN.

I just moved in with my partner and it’s been an incredibly stressful move as half our stuff initially went missing because the delivery company went to the wrong address then tried to bill us extra as they claimed it was our mistake!

And that is just the tip of the iceberg.

I had to use DP’s laptop whilst the main computer was awol and came across a video of him having anal sex with his ex. I felt like I’d been punched in the gut and even though I know logically that it was something he did before he met me, I can’t help but feel upset.

He has never tried to have anal with me or even suggested it which makes me wonder why and if I’m boring in bed. He looked so into her in the video and I desperately wish I’d never seen it but the image is now burning on my mind.

I haven’t told him that I’ve seen it and the rational part of me thinks that I have no right to confront him as it is his past and we all have a past and exes.

But the irrational part of my brain thinks that I don’t ever want to have sex with him again. I am disturbed by what I saw to the extent that I can’t bear the thought of him ever touching me again.

This happened a week ago and I’ve been making the excuse that I’m sleeping in the spare room because I need proper rest for work (he is a snorer). But at some point I know I need to confront this or else the relationship is doomed.

OP posts:
VladmirsPoutine · 05/05/2019 13:48

Can open. Worms everywhere.

Are you feeling jealous? Do you want to give anal a go? Do you want to leave him? Do you just need time to process? Given that you are well aware that you both had history/other lives before you met each other.

U2HasTheEdge · 05/05/2019 13:49

The thought of watching a video of DH having sex with someone else makes me feel sick. It is one thing knowing he has had sex with others and actually seeing him in the act.

I would be very disturbed by it and I would never be able to erase it from my memory. I would want to know why he has kept the video, because I think it is shitty not to delete things like that on separating.

ChairmanMeow999 · 05/05/2019 13:53

Not deleting it might not be the shittiest thing you know....

#Sorry

fluorescentorange · 05/05/2019 13:55

How zoomed in was he to be clear it was anal sex fgs!
I would ask him to delete it if it were me. Maybe he isn’t really into that sort of stuff and that is why she is an Ex!
Just tell him you saw it as you were looking in his videos and would he mind deleting it please.
Then get over it.

Nosunnofun · 05/05/2019 14:02

Seeing your dh having sex with someone else would be shocking to most people, it certainly would be to me. Your rational mind knows it was in the past but you saw it in the moment as it were. The fact that it was something he hasn't initiated with you and he seemed very into her (no pun intended) when he doesn't seem that interested in sex with you is worrying and upsetting. I think you need to tell him you saw it, he needs to delete it, and you might also want to talk about his lack of interest in sex with you. If the sex isn't great at this stage maybe you should be rethinking the relationship anyway.

ChairmanMeow999 · 05/05/2019 14:02

"Maybe he isn’t really into that sort of stuff and that is why she is an Ex!"

Erm - no.

No man, ever EVER left a lass because she liked it up the back stairs now and then.

Ever.

ChairmanMeow999 · 05/05/2019 14:02

EVERRR

Tinkerbellx · 05/05/2019 14:03

OP I would be really really upset too .
It just make it too real what you knew already ... that he's had sex with other people which is okay.
The graphics will hurt you for months but it's you he's with now .
Sex with who ever is private and he would be equally upset if her knew you'd seen it and possibly violated by the invasion of his privacy .
You can't unsee it but you need to decide if a conversation needs having .
Either way will be difficult .
This is about trust .

harrietkatie · 05/05/2019 14:14

How long have you been together? And how long ago was that relationship with the ex?

I can understand why you'd feel sick, I wouldn't like it at all! But I'd confront him and ask why it's still there. He might genuinely not know it's on his laptop still etc and just apologise and delete it.

I wouldn't be repulsed by him. Anal isn't for everyone but it's not 'repulsive'!

Reddedder · 05/05/2019 14:22

Are you sure it was anal and not the vagina as it can look like anal but isn’t?

Original poster
mrenabeena · 05/05/2019 14:24

I’m not repulsed by the sex. I’m more gutted that he wouldn’t want to be more adventurous with me which I had originally thought was down to him not being particularly sexually driven but this has made me feel like there’s a side of him that I don’t know at all and it’s put me in a kind of shock.

He ended things with her about six months before we met and they were more of a fling than a serious relationship but I do know they kept on having a fwb type thing until he went NC after he met me.

My gut feeling is that he’s forgotten about the video on his laptop. I know that he deleted anything to do with her on his phone when we got together because we both agreed to do this. And I’ve had things synced up to the computer which I’d deleted on my phone but then had to physically delete on other synced up devises.

OP posts:
SimonJT · 05/05/2019 14:43

Even if you hadn’t found the video it sounds like you need to have an honest discussion about what you desirely sexually in your relationship.

NameChangeNugget · 05/05/2019 14:53

The only thing I think he’s done wrong here is in not deleting the file.

Moralitym1n1 · 05/05/2019 14:57

I’m more gutted that he wouldn’t want to be more adventurous with me which I had originally thought was down to him not being particularly sexually driven but this has made me feel like there’s a side of him that I don’t know at all

Maybe he's not all that wowed by it and doesn't feel the need to try it again regularly or at all - like many of us.

You day you think he forgot about it rather than purposefully retaining it.

PicsInRed · 05/05/2019 15:00

Given what you have said about your sex life petering out, I'd be concerned that this video indicated something about his sexual orientation. I would also be very concerned with whether the ex knew she had been filmed - given the obvious angle - and whether he takes surreptitious recordings/photos.

Moralitym1n1 · 05/05/2019 15:00

Also he dumped her, then had a kind of fwb - to me that smacks of desperation on her part; continuing to shag someone who's dumped you with a lower status than you had before? It's not like it was a fwb from the start. Maybe anal was an attempt at making sex exciting and 'naughty' and wild in an attempt to make herself more memorable/valuable - totally flawed but it seems to be something some people do when trying to gain traction with someone they feel they don't have any real pull on

PicsInRed · 05/05/2019 15:01

But given your sex life is rubbish and you have no kids together, why are you staying with him? Dump him and find someone who wants the same things you do.

chenney1 · 05/05/2019 15:03

Don't tell him and ask for anal sex. See his reaction

Madamedeluxe · 05/05/2019 15:05

You don’t have to ‘get over this’ if it bothers you so much. You are not married and there are no children.

Moralitym1n1 · 05/05/2019 15:06

I would also be very concerned with whether the ex knew she had been filmed - given the obvious angle - and whether he takes surreptitious recordings/photos.

This is a possible collaboration concern, but as to his orientation; unfortunately in 2019, with porn being what it is, it's pretty common for heterosexual men to have had anal sex.

Moralitym1n1 · 05/05/2019 15:07

If your sex life's petered out/boring etc., That's another issue.

SignedUpJust4This · 05/05/2019 15:09

OP he hasn't forgotten. You don't forget where you keep stuff like that. You shouldn't have snooped but likewise that video and any others should be long gone. You need a calm conversation about this.

Also it's something he may have tried when he was younger and experimenting and decided he wasn't particularly into. Maybe he's one of those men with a 'madonna/whore complex' and respects you too much to do it with you? Just trying to think of possible reasons. You know him best. Talk about it.

AgentJohnson · 05/05/2019 15:25

If you have issues/ grievances about your sex life, talk to him about them. Don’t let this video feed your insecurities about yourself.

Morgan12 · 05/05/2019 15:29

I'd be annoyed that he kept it and be asking why.

Whocansay · 05/05/2019 15:30

Personally, I think you are overreacting. What he did with an ex partner is really none of your business. He may or may not like anal. It's generally not the first thing you would discuss with a new-ish partner I imagine! It's not something everyone is comfortable with. It could be he doesn't feel in a position to ask you just yet.

I would be more bothered about your snooping to be honest. You can tie it up in a bow as much as you like, but that's what you were doing. And you must have had a seriously good look to know that they were having anal sex! I really wouldn't like the snooping.

I can't see what he's done wrong, although he should delete it now. I can't see either him or his ex being happy that you've had a good old look at them doing something very private.

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