No it was in his videos file. I promise I wasn’t snooping! I opened it out of curiosity I admit but absolutely did not expect to find this
Yes, yes you were snooping. Whether you were looking for a specific reason or whether you were looking out of curiosity, you were snooping on his videos on his laptop. You don’t “accidentally come across” these kinds of things - you purposely went into the video section and opened these files. This was no accident. Just own it.
He looked so into her in the video
Well of course he did. She was his girlfriend, I’d be more concerned if he didn’t look into her.
But the irrational part of my brain thinks that I don’t ever want to have sex with him again. I am disturbed by what I saw to the extent that I can’t bear the thought of him ever touching me again
He has a history. He has a past and life that existed long before you came into it. He hasn’t done anything wrong, they both consented to the video, he was in a loving relationship at the time. How would you feel if he viewed you differently simply because you had anal sex with an ex?
He has full permission to open mine and has always been happy for me to see his. Mainly family photos and albums that we cba to send over so it’s easier to just look on each other’s phones
If this is the case, why can’t you just tell him what you saw? It’s only ever on Mumsnet that I see people claiming they use each other’s phones. It literally takes 10 seconds to send something to someone. In my whole dating history I’ve never been “too lazy” to use my own phone, I’ve never felt the need to use my DP’s phone instead of mine. I’m sure people on here say that to excuse looking through their partners stuff.
Besides even if that is all genuinely true, you still had no need to be looking at his videos on his laptop, so you were still snooping.
I’m more gutted that he wouldn’t want to be more adventurous with me
How do you know? Have you ever suggested anal to him? Perhaps he’s just assumed you wouldn’t be into it which is why he’s never suggested it.
He ended things with her about six months before we met and they were more of a fling than a serious relationship
But I thought you said he looked so into her ???
Okay, nobody wants to see their partner have sex with somebody else even if it was a long time ago, but in all honesty this is your own fault. Regardless of how you try to explain or justify it, you snooped on his files when you didn’t need to. You were being nosey.
The thing that stands out to me is this -
My gut feeling is that he’s forgotten about the video on his laptop. I know that he deleted anything to do with her on his phone
How convenient. He remembered to delete every single thing however he’s simply “forgotten” about that video of them having anal?
No OP, he hasn’t forgotten about it at all. Don’t be fobbed off by that. You don’t ever forget about making a sex tape with someone. If you remember to delete everything about that person on your phone, you’d remember the video of you both having anal, aswell.
If your relationship is that open and honest and you truthfully look through each other’s phones then you won’t have a problem with admitting what you’ve found.