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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Saw just one text :( please tell me what to do

127 replies

Kassia88 · 04/05/2019 12:27

I posted awhile ago on my other account about how I found DP texting woman at work. The texts were sexual, flirty but nothing happened (I’m about 98% sure on this) I got really good support from here
It is so hard for me because a lot of my friends don’t like him anyway so it’s not like I can really confide in them

I have been trying to put it behind us, he was very sorry and reassured me. After I had found out, he didn’t propose and got me a ring. TBH, I accepted but not with my heart. It just felt like going through the emotions
He seemed annoyed I hadn’t told people at work (again, this was because I’ve been a mess not really sure what I want or if I should leave) I mentioned that if anything he SHOULD be telling ow
This ow apparently had no idea as she’s been sitting on a different floor from him

Come, last Wednesday she had come back to sit next to him so that day I told him that he should tell her
He APPARENTLY told her on Thursday, text me about it then when he came home
Reiterated he told her and she had said “congrats” but got “funny”
As we were talking all of a sudden a text comes through from her!! Saying “so you won’t tell anyone?x”

I was in shock as I had no idea she wasn’t txting her number was not saved And he said himself that’s her txting me I said ok click on it , he did and I quickly saw a few back n fourth messages between them , I tried to grab phone to read them
But all of a sudden he grabbed the phone and said “you’re not reading them” “you have to trust me” and deleted the thread!

I’m now in a big shock from everything he claims that he had made a joke to her saying “you’re invited to the wedding” and she had said but does she know what I look like etc and thats the explanation of her “so you won’t tell anyone?” Text

Now please tell me if I’m going insane! Does that make any sense at all? I know it doesn’t but he was adamant , said he had told her we’re getting married and she’s reacted because she fancies him

I was so distraught I tried txting her a few times to ask her what was going on.
NO RESPONSE at all,

Instead, she txt him which was right in front of me saying “she is saying I am harassing you, should I tell her if this is true or not? I can’t be doing with this shit”

This again was in front of me so I flipped and told him to reply back saying I had not said that at all and to tell her to leave him alone. He said no she’s not worth it and seemed angry, deleted the txt and is trying to act normal saying he loves me etc and wants to only be with me

I’m in obvious shock and so upset. What should I do? What could her txt have meant? Should I txt her again? I find it odd she didn’t respond to me

OP posts:
Greenyogagirl · 04/05/2019 12:30

Oh sweetheart he’s a dickhead.
You deserve better, is there anywhere you can go to be away from him to figure things out?

Shouldbedoing · 04/05/2019 12:30

Kick him to the kerb. He's the problem.
I'm sorry. You'll feel.better when you.take your power back. You don't want a life like this.

Ohwhatbliss · 04/05/2019 12:32

It doesn't really matter whether there's anything going on between them does it? You're not happy with the contact between them, he isn't being open and transparent.

None of us can tell you what's going on (my view for what it's worth is that something is) but you know you can leave a shit relationship for any reason you like don't you?!

Skiptheskip · 04/05/2019 12:33

Why are you encouraging him to seek her out at work and have contact with her?Confused

Do you love the drama? Honestly, just bin him off and save yourself years of heartache.

Rainbowqueeen · 04/05/2019 12:35

Do you want to live your life in a state of confusion with a guy who messes with your head?? That’s all this guy will ever do
It will hurt for a while but if you ditch him you have the chance to feel happy and secure. Don’t waste any more time on him.
I’m sorry

Scarcelyburnt · 04/05/2019 12:35

It's not worth it. This is not a good relationship. You can do better than him.

bodgeitandscarper · 04/05/2019 12:35

Honestly, if it was me I wouldn't give him the satisfaction of being fought over.

Don't demean yourself by texting his 'colleague' and I'd be handing him his engagement ring back and walking away from him. You are being taken as a fool by him.

You'll find people treat you with respect when you start respecting yourself.

Kassia88 · 04/05/2019 12:37

I agree I think this is the last straw but I can honestly say that they haven't been txting or communicating since it all came out

He kept saying it's happened because he did what I told him to: I.e tell him we're getting married so now I do think it's my fault !
And like pp said I shouldn't have told him to actively seek her ! Before this, they had been sitting away from each other
She's only started to sit next to him on Wednesday and he said she just acted normal:professional so maybe I shouldn't have told him to directly tell her!

I'm just so confused

What could "so you won't tell anyone?" Mean?? I just don't get it! If it's because they're planning to have an affair that wouldn't make sense as she's a single woman so I don't think it's to do with that as he's the "married" one and wouldn't tell anyone

OP posts:
category12 · 04/05/2019 12:40

So when are you moving to Saudi?

Greenyogagirl · 04/05/2019 12:41

So you won’t tell anyone....we had sex in the broom cupboard/snogged under the mistletoe/I’m pregnant and it’s your child
Or
So you won’t tell anyone....it was me who broke the copier/lost the papers/spilt the coffee

It could be anything but him not letting you read the messages, him not blocking her number and her messaging him and not you etc all are bad signs. You sound young and it’s not worth wasting years of your life on someone you can’t trust

Kassia88 · 04/05/2019 12:41

@category12

He didn't get the job. And now claims he is still looking abroad Hmm

The fact is I chose to forgive him but since seeing this txt from here I am really confused. He has told her we're getting married and she's still pursuing him? Does that make sense or am I just being dense here and missing something

OP posts:
GreenTulips · 04/05/2019 12:41

It makes no difference to you what they are planning or discussing

He’s cheating that’s the bottom line and only thing you need to worry about - if you get married he’ll still cheat - he proposed to keep you quiet - why would you marry this man?

Llareggub · 04/05/2019 12:42

He doesn't sound like a keeper.

category12 · 04/05/2019 12:44

OP, could you please just stick to the one name and stop doing threads as if the background to all this doesn't count.

The answer is, you'll never be happy with this man, cos he's a cheating abusive bastard who you need to leave.

Kassia88 · 04/05/2019 12:44

@Greenyogagirl

I'm inclined to think it could be something that happened at work.. sexual but He has truly been sticking to me like a hawk since it all came out
I can't account for him being away, he's actually taken time off from work to reassure me. God knows, but if they did kiss or fondle at work he wouldn't tell anyone regardless as all colleagues know about me and one in particular has met me and likes me! So don't know why she'd say this
I keep thinking I'm missing something but it's so hard as that last txt was very vague "she is now saying I am harassing you should I say if this is true or not? I can't be doing with this shit"

Just too vague like she'd done that on purpose so I couldn't figure it out

OP posts:
hewontstopshitting · 04/05/2019 12:45

If I was you OP I’d leave, he’s treating you very badly and you aren’t happy anymore.

BasinHaircut · 04/05/2019 12:45

Just leave him. Honestly you do not want to live this way.

I mean this I n the nicest possible way, you need to get some self respect. Flowers

Kassia88 · 04/05/2019 12:46

@category12

Honestly not my fault, every MN account I have wasn't letting me log back in ! Not sure if it was because of the high security I had on phone but now hoping it won't do it with this account

OP posts:
TeaForTheWin · 04/05/2019 12:46

2 paragraphs in and already there's a shit ton of red flags.

My friends don't like him
Found out he was dirty talking his colleague
'Apologised' then PROPOSED (wtf, controlling behaviour 10friggin1)
*You felt you were just going through the motions.
*Expects you to tell people (tying you into your word) but hasn't told the 'OW' at work.

Texts, other womens blah blah blah it's just EXTRA. It sounds like he is playing you both and may well have been sleeping with her to. But all that doesn't matter -

*He hides his phone texts from you (I wouldn't trust him either!)
*He has created a situation whereby you feel you are compeating with another women/feel as if he is up to something with someone else. And is fine with that.
*He is still in contact with the women he had (at the very least) an innapropriate interaction with for a man in a relationship.
*This relationship is driving you round the bend.

You are asking yourself the wrong questions. You should be asking 'why does he allow this woman to have any relevance in our relationship whatsoever?' the answer is - he enjoys fucking with your head. The second question is 'why am I staying with this utter jockstrap?'

Stop torturing yourself, sot letting him torture you and gtf out of there.

DBML · 04/05/2019 12:49

Op, the ow is content to be the ‘side chick’. She is aware of you and is happy to let you stress over her relationship with your dp. She is back and forth with him, probably a little exasperated that he won’t choose who he wants to be with...God knows what he’s telling her. She is not a nice person.

He on the other hand is a complete idiot. He is the one enjoying playing two women off each other. He’s getting an ego boost. He’s a liar. He’s cruel deleting his text in front of you. He thinks he has you wrapped around his finger and that you’ll put up and shut up. It looks like he’s right to be honest.

This man doesn’t deserve your love nor your trust. He will never change. Sorry xx

LIZS · 04/05/2019 12:49

He's gaslighting you, turning his poor and inappropriate behaviour around to somehow be your fault. That's a form of emotional abuse, please ditch him.

TheGrey1houndSpeaks · 04/05/2019 12:51

Imagine a lifetime of this nonsense Confused. Just walk, fgs

Skiptheskip · 04/05/2019 12:52

Who even cares why she is sending vague messages.

The facts are that your DP is messaging a woman from work, sending her flirty sex messages. They are still in contact. He deleted a thread of messages so you couldn’t read them.

He’s even joking about you to her - “you’re invited to the wedding”, how humiliating.

And all you can focus on is one vague line of text from her.

a lot of my friends don’t like him anyway so it’s not like I can really confide in them

It’s probably more a case of same shit different day - sick of hearing you moan about him, sick of giving you advice that you don’t take, it’s exhausting.

Post as many threads as you like, the advice won’t change - a bit like him!

RSAcre · 04/05/2019 12:54

OP, the dickhead is asking you to play the "pick me" game ... & you are fully participating. He is playing you off against this OW, & no doubt playing the OW off against you.

How can you bear to live like this? On tenterhooks, unable to trust, knowing something is off, being lied to & jerked around?

You just have to decide if you want to carry on playing his head games. Believe me, having a wedding day is not going to change him.

Fairenuff · 04/05/2019 12:55

Look, if you stay with him you will be stuck with a liar who you cannot trust. Is that really want you want? Really??