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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Saw just one text :( please tell me what to do

127 replies

Kassia88 · 04/05/2019 12:27

I posted awhile ago on my other account about how I found DP texting woman at work. The texts were sexual, flirty but nothing happened (I’m about 98% sure on this) I got really good support from here
It is so hard for me because a lot of my friends don’t like him anyway so it’s not like I can really confide in them

I have been trying to put it behind us, he was very sorry and reassured me. After I had found out, he didn’t propose and got me a ring. TBH, I accepted but not with my heart. It just felt like going through the emotions
He seemed annoyed I hadn’t told people at work (again, this was because I’ve been a mess not really sure what I want or if I should leave) I mentioned that if anything he SHOULD be telling ow
This ow apparently had no idea as she’s been sitting on a different floor from him

Come, last Wednesday she had come back to sit next to him so that day I told him that he should tell her
He APPARENTLY told her on Thursday, text me about it then when he came home
Reiterated he told her and she had said “congrats” but got “funny”
As we were talking all of a sudden a text comes through from her!! Saying “so you won’t tell anyone?x”

I was in shock as I had no idea she wasn’t txting her number was not saved And he said himself that’s her txting me I said ok click on it , he did and I quickly saw a few back n fourth messages between them , I tried to grab phone to read them
But all of a sudden he grabbed the phone and said “you’re not reading them” “you have to trust me” and deleted the thread!

I’m now in a big shock from everything he claims that he had made a joke to her saying “you’re invited to the wedding” and she had said but does she know what I look like etc and thats the explanation of her “so you won’t tell anyone?” Text

Now please tell me if I’m going insane! Does that make any sense at all? I know it doesn’t but he was adamant , said he had told her we’re getting married and she’s reacted because she fancies him

I was so distraught I tried txting her a few times to ask her what was going on.
NO RESPONSE at all,

Instead, she txt him which was right in front of me saying “she is saying I am harassing you, should I tell her if this is true or not? I can’t be doing with this shit”

This again was in front of me so I flipped and told him to reply back saying I had not said that at all and to tell her to leave him alone. He said no she’s not worth it and seemed angry, deleted the txt and is trying to act normal saying he loves me etc and wants to only be with me

I’m in obvious shock and so upset. What should I do? What could her txt have meant? Should I txt her again? I find it odd she didn’t respond to me

OP posts:
losingfaith · 04/05/2019 13:21

If he had nothing to hide he wouldn't have deleted the messages. His story that he made a bad "joke" he didn't want you to see is clearly not true as you then say he told you the "joke".

Basically he is a cheater. The other woman is happy to hang around in the background. If he actually cared about you or had any respect for you he wouldn't have done, or be doing this.

From your actions so far, he probably feels safe in that you will no leave so he can have his cake and eat it. It's win win for his as no incentive to treat you properly / with respect.

KaliforniaDreamz · 04/05/2019 13:21

Honey, fast forward to a future where your daughter is being treated like this by her fiance.
What would you say to her?

Please don't set the bar so low for yourself. x

poppingoff · 04/05/2019 13:23

And joking about her being invited to your wedding, but you not knowing what she looks like? Telling you she got "funny" about the sham engagement? Implying she got jealous.

They're pissing themselves at you, OP.

MsSquiz · 04/05/2019 13:23

What good is he bringing to your life?

EleanorLavish · 04/05/2019 13:23

OP, please stop looking for reasons and rationale and answers...you have all you need to know. He is a total dick. You don't need to give him explanations or reasons for ending it.
You just don't want to be saddled with this disrespectful oaf for life!!
I hope?

Northernlass101 · 04/05/2019 13:25

Alarm bells!!!

Get rid joe he is deffo up to something I went through the same thing with an ex.

No smoke without fire

Mamabear12 · 04/05/2019 13:25

Leave him, you are in idiot if you stay with him. I do not get women who put up with men who clearly disrespect them. You can and will find better.

LouRinging · 04/05/2019 13:26

What should I do?

Dump this arsehole.

Have more respect for yourself. There are great guys out there (I'm married to one), you don't need to be with someone that makes you feel like this.

Leave him.

MsPavlichenko · 04/05/2019 13:27

The only thing you are missing is your sense of self respect. That's probably because being in an abusive relationship with an arsehole like this will do that.

Just leave. And do the Freedom Programme.

TeaForTheWin · 04/05/2019 13:29

Agree with 53rdWay
Stop tying yourself in knots wondering about what is what, it doesn't actually matter, the fact is he is making you miserable and on the highly unlikely off chance that this current situation turns out to be nothing, you have still been put through the wringer needlessly emotionally. And will be the next time too because clearly this is not a drama free relationship.

Time to just say 'enough'. Your sanity and freedom from stress alone are worth getting shot of him.

Whoops75 · 04/05/2019 13:29

Please don’t play ‘pick me’ with your life.

You deserve more.

GabsAlot · 04/05/2019 13:34

its simple if he wasnt cheating he'd let you see the text thread not delete it

its not baffling quite straightforward

Thetreeonthehill · 04/05/2019 13:46

Do you really want a future with someone you will never be able to trust? It will wear you down physically and mentally. Life really is too short.

He is a manipulative, gaslighting cheat. You deserve much better than this.

Leave now while it’s still easy to get out. Its not worth the brainpower trying to work out what’s going/gone on and when he might have/might be cheating. It’s a waste of energy and time.

MarIsFiuLiomE · 04/05/2019 13:48

Oh I agree with the previous posters, sorry OP. Marriage to this man would erode your sense of self. You are jumping through hoops to try and believe the bullshit and he has two women to sway between, bet HE feels good about himself while you feel shit about yourself.

He doesn't sound like a good one. Even if you hadn't found out about the cheating and or texting or whatever it is, your friends don't like to see you with him.

OldWomanSaysThis · 04/05/2019 13:50

Surely this man isn't the last living breathing human male on the planet? Why are you clinging to him?

Fluffycloudland77 · 04/05/2019 13:52

I don’t know what your expecting everyone to say, isn’t it obvious he’s a cock?.

I bet he’s loving two women dancing to his tune.

Troels · 04/05/2019 13:54

Just dump his arse.
You don't have to know or understand why they do what they do. All you have to know is what you want and are willing to live with. If you want him and are willing to carry on with him cheating, or close to cheating, texting other women and then turning it round and blaming you for what he chooses to do then carry on and enjoy your life filled with stress and tears.

SignedUpJust4This · 04/05/2019 13:57

You don't have to trust him after the way he's behaved. You don't need evidence. There is no trust. That's the nail in the coffin. Find someone who doesn't treat you like a mug.

TheVanguardSix · 04/05/2019 13:57

Why are you even fighting for this??? Sad

notapizzaeater · 04/05/2019 13:58

You are wasting your life on this. Just go !

systems2 · 04/05/2019 14:01

Really difficult one.....talk to her about it too. May just be nothing....need to exhaust all the avenues before you give up. Often things are not what they seem x

SilverySurfer · 04/05/2019 14:02

It's understandable, you have feelings for him so are hoping there is a possible explanation that will allow your relationship to continue.

There isn't, he's a cheating arsehole, kick him out.

poppingoff · 04/05/2019 14:05

@systems2 Have you posted on the wrong thread?

SureTry · 04/05/2019 14:51

This is so sad. Life is hard enough without entangling yourself further into this mess. One thing I don't understand is that he gave you a ring but didn't propose but then you want him to tell the OW that you're getting married. That in itself, is a mess. Just leave, surely you see this can not be worth it.

Kassia88 · 04/05/2019 15:05

Sorry there's too much backstory so I tried to cram it in one - he had proposed even before I found any involvement with ow so it wasn't to do with that, he just never followed through; I.e as in buy a ring and tell anyone

So after it all came out about him and ow. He again said let's get married, went and got a ring (quite expensive) then told his family quite quickly and his best friend thereafter

He then got annoyed and moody because I said I hadn't told anyone yet. One thing is I work in a high school with Muslim students, so I've always presented myself as married anyway in front of the students
So I just said I haven't told anyone yet as there wasn't any time to do so, also I was still so upset and none of my friends like him they're all unhappy with how he's treated me.

I think I was just angry that he expected me to tell everyone so I kind of mined at him to tell ow. He is now saying this is the reason she txt him because he wishes he never told her and just carried on how it was - them just talking about work and acting normal

So not sure what to think/believe

OP posts:
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