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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Saw just one text :( please tell me what to do

127 replies

Kassia88 · 04/05/2019 12:27

I posted awhile ago on my other account about how I found DP texting woman at work. The texts were sexual, flirty but nothing happened (I’m about 98% sure on this) I got really good support from here
It is so hard for me because a lot of my friends don’t like him anyway so it’s not like I can really confide in them

I have been trying to put it behind us, he was very sorry and reassured me. After I had found out, he didn’t propose and got me a ring. TBH, I accepted but not with my heart. It just felt like going through the emotions
He seemed annoyed I hadn’t told people at work (again, this was because I’ve been a mess not really sure what I want or if I should leave) I mentioned that if anything he SHOULD be telling ow
This ow apparently had no idea as she’s been sitting on a different floor from him

Come, last Wednesday she had come back to sit next to him so that day I told him that he should tell her
He APPARENTLY told her on Thursday, text me about it then when he came home
Reiterated he told her and she had said “congrats” but got “funny”
As we were talking all of a sudden a text comes through from her!! Saying “so you won’t tell anyone?x”

I was in shock as I had no idea she wasn’t txting her number was not saved And he said himself that’s her txting me I said ok click on it , he did and I quickly saw a few back n fourth messages between them , I tried to grab phone to read them
But all of a sudden he grabbed the phone and said “you’re not reading them” “you have to trust me” and deleted the thread!

I’m now in a big shock from everything he claims that he had made a joke to her saying “you’re invited to the wedding” and she had said but does she know what I look like etc and thats the explanation of her “so you won’t tell anyone?” Text

Now please tell me if I’m going insane! Does that make any sense at all? I know it doesn’t but he was adamant , said he had told her we’re getting married and she’s reacted because she fancies him

I was so distraught I tried txting her a few times to ask her what was going on.
NO RESPONSE at all,

Instead, she txt him which was right in front of me saying “she is saying I am harassing you, should I tell her if this is true or not? I can’t be doing with this shit”

This again was in front of me so I flipped and told him to reply back saying I had not said that at all and to tell her to leave him alone. He said no she’s not worth it and seemed angry, deleted the txt and is trying to act normal saying he loves me etc and wants to only be with me

I’m in obvious shock and so upset. What should I do? What could her txt have meant? Should I txt her again? I find it odd she didn’t respond to me

OP posts:
cuppycakey · 04/05/2019 12:58

Kassia this man is a loser.

Rather than analysing everything he said/she said, you would do better to be looking at yourself and digging out why your self esteem is so low that you would tolerate this behaviour.

I would suggest counselling. Oh, and LTB

merle1990 · 04/05/2019 12:59

Get out now before it's too late. You don't want to be married to someone who's making you feel like this.

JaneEyre07 · 04/05/2019 12:59

People behave badly when they are allowed to.

Have some standards for yourself, and let him go and cheat on some other mug.

He's not worth any of this angst.

theemptystoreroom · 04/05/2019 13:00

He deleted the texts saying you have to trust him?

Actually, you don't have to trust him.. You don't have to trust anyone who is behaving in a suspicious and untrustworthy manner. You really don't. In fact, I would advise that you don't.

Original poster
Kassia88 · 04/05/2019 13:00

Yeah that's definitely true
I'm shocked because the ow knew about us before they started txting. He wasn't hiding me or anything
She's also older and wants a baby desperately (I've seen txt evidence of this) and he mentions it so I really can't think what she'd be getting out of this
But definitely think you all have a point he's obviously playing her off against me

The only thing is we're always together too he honestly doesn't go anywhere without me except work which is from 5am-3.30/4
It's baffling

Is there anything I can do/say to him or ow before I make the decision to leave

OP posts:
Kaddm · 04/05/2019 13:02

Just get rid

peachgreen · 04/05/2019 13:02

No, there's nothing you can or should do apart from get rid of your cheating asshole of a boyfriend and move on to bigger and better things. You will never be happy with him. He will always treat you this way because that's who he is.

OhTheTiles · 04/05/2019 13:03

OP, the issue here really isn’t that he’s told her you’re getting married and she’s still pursuing him. You’re reading it all wrong. It’s hes being an arse pursuing her whilst being with you or letting her know it’s okay.

No idea your back story but this is enough to leave on, just this.

NunoGoncalves · 04/05/2019 13:03

Why would you marry this guy? You can do better, OP. Don't spend the rest of your life in a crappy relationship just because you're insecure or don't realise that normal people don't behave like this.

You don't need to say anything to her. Tell your boyfriend it's over, leave, move on.

category12 · 04/05/2019 13:05

You've had tons and tons of essentially the same advice over this on your many threads, what are you getting out of this?

Sarah22xx · 04/05/2019 13:05

My ex done this, hence the word ex. The moment he behaved like that it was the end for me and I kicked him out. You need to find your strength and not allow yourself to be treated like shit.

TheGrey1houndSpeaks · 04/05/2019 13:05

Text evidence of her desperation to have a baby?! To your partner?? How dim are you, op? Just run

fecketyfeck21 · 04/05/2019 13:05

he's loving this two women 'fighting' over him, break the engagement off, tell him to stick the ring where the mice won't get it and get yourself some self respect. he sure as heck doesn't love you that's glaringly obvious.

FancyAPint · 04/05/2019 13:06

Instead, she txt him which was right in front of me saying “she is saying I am harassing you, should I tell her if this is true or not? I can’t be doing with this shit

Sorry but they are both taking your for a fool. Flowers

Get rid, he's always going to be doing this.

Mix56 · 04/05/2019 13:07

Oh for God's sake, Kick to curb

JaxTaylorDidIt · 04/05/2019 13:08

Why are you blaming her when it should be him you blame and you need to get rid of! Do you think that low of yourself that your putting up with this shit?

Rabbiting0n · 04/05/2019 13:09

This guy is a liar and a cheat and he doesn't respect you. He might be reassuring you now that you are suspicious. He might be sticking to you like glue, but he wasn't doing that when he was sexting a work colleague and deleting her messages in front of you so that you were kept in the dark. He is playing with your head and will continue to do so until you leave him.

As for her messages, I assume that "should I tell her I am harassing you or not", is because she knows you know about her and wants your DP to tell her how to play it. Deny anything is going on at all (which is implausible as you have been with him when her messages have come through) or admit to half of it by claiming that she is pursuing him, but that it's harassment because it's one-sided.

The "are you not going to say anything?" Is probably her clarifying if he's going to keep stringing you along. There's no point in contacting her for answers as she's already proven herself to be dishonest and unpleasant. You can't trust her at all. You can't trust your partner, either. You already know this, hence you're not excited about your engagement. Your gut knows this is wrong. You need to listen to it and leave him.

TeaForTheWin · 04/05/2019 13:11

He isn't like you op, he can't be fixed because he is exactly who he is meant to be. People who play women off against one another don't give a shit about either woman, they only care about themselves. They don't have empathy and that's a sort of broken that can never be mended. They like you to think that you are the problem and that something you say or do could change the shitty way they are acting towards you. But it isn't the case. Nothing you say or do will make him a decent human being. And if it wasn't this women it would be another. Or some other way of making you feel 'not enough' or 'crazy' or 'always over reacting' or some other form of like shit.

Love yourself instead and accept that you need to get out of this toxic relationship.

Orange6904 · 04/05/2019 13:12

I know it's easy for us to say when you're in it but just run now this will only get worse as the years go on. He will just get better at hiding it all. Let him be with the woman at work, they deserve each other.

DrinkSangriaInThePark · 04/05/2019 13:14

Omg this man is not making you happy! You should be blissfully happy sitting your engagement ffs.

Dump him!!!

ELM8 · 04/05/2019 13:16

I know people have different definitions of what cheating is.. but even if he hasn't actually done anything physical (if I'm being honest, that's questionable - sorry Confused) and you don't count the previous flirty/sexual texts as cheating, he is completely disrespecting you and ruining your self esteem and that should be enough in itself to move on leave him.

You only get one life and you don't want to waste any more time than necessary being belittled and treated anything less than you deserve.

53rdWay · 04/05/2019 13:17

He's got you exactly where he wants you, going round and round in little panicky circles and not looking at the bigger picture.

You can leave. You don't need to work out what he's doing first. You don't need to work out what she meant by that text or what he meant by what he said to her or any of it. You can just say "enough."

Carpet86 · 04/05/2019 13:19

Bloody hell forget the OW and him and move on!!!! He's a total nut job!! She's just part of the equation the biggest issue is him - lack of trust.

The fact none of your friends/family like him should also be ringing alarm bells.

Crazybunnylady123 · 04/05/2019 13:19

Just end it and move on. It will save you wasting anymore of your time.
It maybe hard but if you don’t do it you will later regret it.
You should be on cloud 9 and blissfully in love looking to the future not all this fear and worry over a guy you can’t trust.
Bin him and be kind to yourself, go have a facial and see a film. Have a posh takeaway or anything you fancy and don’t look back.

poppingoff · 04/05/2019 13:20

She's also older and wants a baby desperately (I've seen txt evidence of this) and he mentions it so I really can't think what she'd be getting out of this

The chance to get pregnant by your unscrupulous twat of boyfriend.