Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Saw just one text :( please tell me what to do

127 replies

Kassia88 · 04/05/2019 12:27

I posted awhile ago on my other account about how I found DP texting woman at work. The texts were sexual, flirty but nothing happened (I’m about 98% sure on this) I got really good support from here
It is so hard for me because a lot of my friends don’t like him anyway so it’s not like I can really confide in them

I have been trying to put it behind us, he was very sorry and reassured me. After I had found out, he didn’t propose and got me a ring. TBH, I accepted but not with my heart. It just felt like going through the emotions
He seemed annoyed I hadn’t told people at work (again, this was because I’ve been a mess not really sure what I want or if I should leave) I mentioned that if anything he SHOULD be telling ow
This ow apparently had no idea as she’s been sitting on a different floor from him

Come, last Wednesday she had come back to sit next to him so that day I told him that he should tell her
He APPARENTLY told her on Thursday, text me about it then when he came home
Reiterated he told her and she had said “congrats” but got “funny”
As we were talking all of a sudden a text comes through from her!! Saying “so you won’t tell anyone?x”

I was in shock as I had no idea she wasn’t txting her number was not saved And he said himself that’s her txting me I said ok click on it , he did and I quickly saw a few back n fourth messages between them , I tried to grab phone to read them
But all of a sudden he grabbed the phone and said “you’re not reading them” “you have to trust me” and deleted the thread!

I’m now in a big shock from everything he claims that he had made a joke to her saying “you’re invited to the wedding” and she had said but does she know what I look like etc and thats the explanation of her “so you won’t tell anyone?” Text

Now please tell me if I’m going insane! Does that make any sense at all? I know it doesn’t but he was adamant , said he had told her we’re getting married and she’s reacted because she fancies him

I was so distraught I tried txting her a few times to ask her what was going on.
NO RESPONSE at all,

Instead, she txt him which was right in front of me saying “she is saying I am harassing you, should I tell her if this is true or not? I can’t be doing with this shit”

This again was in front of me so I flipped and told him to reply back saying I had not said that at all and to tell her to leave him alone. He said no she’s not worth it and seemed angry, deleted the txt and is trying to act normal saying he loves me etc and wants to only be with me

I’m in obvious shock and so upset. What should I do? What could her txt have meant? Should I txt her again? I find it odd she didn’t respond to me

OP posts:
Original poster
Kassia88 · 04/05/2019 16:32

@Mummylovesbags

Thanks that's meant so much to me
😭😭 I think now I've started to question it he's gone mad and said if I don't like
It "then leave" it's just horrible and I think it's going to take time
But I know it's the end

OP posts:
Horsemenoftheaclopalypse · 04/05/2019 17:04

Okay, so he hasn’t “gone mad”

Focus on the only sensible part of your post
“But I know it's the end”

ScreamingLadySutch · 04/05/2019 17:27

Your friends don't like him??????

THE BIGGEST CLUE THERE IS.

Run Run Run Run

Don't fear being single OP, don't fear being alone. There is a great life away from this abusive, disrespectful person who makes you feel so unloved and jittery.

Don't tolerate him for a day longer.

Closetbeanmuncher · 04/05/2019 19:18

Sorry but yes to answer your question yes you are dense... This is minimum your fifth thread under yet another user name about this "relationship"

It's blindingly obvious to everyone else that he's slept with her. There is nothing "baffling" or "confusing" about it, you just don't want to get off your arse and go it alone.

There is no great mystery here - all you are doing is wasting time and fooling yourself refusing to face what's blindingly obvious to anyone with a pin head of grey matter.

Snappedandfarted2019 · 04/05/2019 19:22

There’s a reason you’re friends don’t like him listen to them.

Closetbeanmuncher · 04/05/2019 19:25

So we're you previously married when you had your teenage daughter with mental health issues op?

RomanyQueen1 · 04/05/2019 19:34

I can't believe you are posting again. You got the same responses last time and yet you are still there.
I do have sympathy but like a pp said, Do you enjoy the drama?
FWIW even though it will fall on deaf ears again and you'll be back in a fortnight.
LTB, he's an abusive cheat, your friends are right.

GabsAlot · 04/05/2019 19:36

hes telling your she jsut started texting him but its not true-have some respect for yourself

poppingoff · 04/05/2019 19:38

You have kids??

You run the risk of losing your friends here too. It's extremely draining to see and hear a friend willingly excuse such shit, and ignore advice, over and over and over. You eventually lose respect for them.

NotStayingIn · 04/05/2019 19:51

Oh my fucking god OP! How many more times can everyone here tell you the same thing? He is 100% playing you. He is a cheat, a liar and treating you like a fool. Your friends don't like him. Everyone here thinks he is an arse. Why are you still posting these messages as if you are confused about his behaviour?

He wants to keep you wanting him for his ego and shag everyone else behind your back. Which bit of that is hard to understand? No, he doesn't love you, he just wants you to want him. At some point you have got to find some self respect and leave this shit show.

bodgeitandscarper · 05/05/2019 08:22

If you want to do what is best for your children OP, then you can start by teaching them that when you aren't treated with love and respect in a relationship you respect yourself enough to move on instead of being treated like a doormat.

It might be scary, but you will gain so much strength from becoming someone who respects herself and her children enough to live life without being deceived and ridiculed by others that your self repect and self esteem will be something that you will realise is invaluable.

Taking the first step is the hardest, but if you value yourself and the lessons you are teaching your children then you need to stop this toxicity.

You wanted to contact the other woman? I couldn't think I'd want to have anything to do with her, but if I did it would be to thank her for opening my eyes to what a slimeball your partner is and she's welcome to him. Makes the trophy seem far less worth it; but the sensible thing is to completely ignore her, she is nothing to do with you.

systems2 · 05/05/2019 08:53

OK if you have tried to talk to her then that just adds a degree of certainty that things are not as they should be. There can be no long term future in a relationship like this.

Original poster
Kassia88 · 05/05/2019 10:02

@systems2

How do you mean? I sent her texts and tried to ring her because that's when I saw her text come through right in front of my eyes on doing dps phone. I purposely said to her that he was saying SHE was txting him and pursuing him to see if she would refute this

OP posts:
Notcoolmum · 05/05/2019 10:10

Argh OP. I can’t believe you have come on here with a slightly different version of the same story and a new username.

How many times are you going to post. What advice is it you want to hear. What did you think would be different about this thread?

Stop blaming and contacting the OW. She is more or less irrelevant. If not her it would be someone else. It’s your partner’s behaviour you need to focus on.

As expected the job in Saudi which you thought would be your escape route hasn’t materialised. You need to make steps to leave your partner for the sake of your daughters. Have you done anything to set this in motion. Are you confiding with friends IRL?

You need to find somewhere to rent, a job and get a claim in with CMS and start to rebuild your life. Show your daughters what a strong independent woman looks like. Not a woman who is utterly fixated on the behaviour of other women.

Thatnovembernight · 05/05/2019 10:22

It’s definitely a mistake to wait until you have ‘evidence’ or the ‘full story’ or an ‘explanation’. ( The OW isn’t going to offer you these things any more than he is). I know this from experience so I’m not judging you. Trying to work out what exactly has happened or not happened or who meant what or who started it or said what when etc is all a bit of a red herring. What it comes down to is that he lies, crosses boundaries, didn’t propose properly, doesn’t treat you with respect and is making you unhappy. If you want to carry on with that then you obviously can, but you need to accept that it won’t change and this is your long term normal. I would walk away.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 05/05/2019 10:29

What do you want from Mumsnet here? You've had endless threads telling you to leave, helping you. We all told you what would happen.

He's a cheating, abusive twat and he has no intention of changing. You can take that or leave it but you cannot change it.

jinglet · 05/05/2019 10:43

Bloody hell- just leave. If you're starting a relationship with him being a dickhead, it's not going to get any better in the future. In the nicest possible way- ditch the bastard and work on your self esteem.

jinglet · 05/05/2019 10:45

And you're not imagining things or going mad. Read this: www.thrivetalk.com/gaslighting/

RLEOM · 05/05/2019 11:28

"You have to trust me." (But I'm going to delete all the messages quickly so you don't see them.)

Not trustworthy. At all.

DieselSucker · 05/05/2019 12:03

He is manipulating you and her. He's actually using the wedding as a way to get her to wanting him more. I think your friends have reasons not to like him.
You'll never be able to trust him 100% and that's one of the ingredients for a solid relationship.
Sorry that you are going through this.

TheGrey1houndSpeaks · 05/05/2019 12:05

Who are the children whose lives you fear will be ruined by this, op? Do you really have children with this man?

SandyY2K · 05/05/2019 17:26

The Saudi saga again. Good job I didn't bother replying. I don't see him marrying you...not when you have 2 kids...ate on a much lower salary and you pay him rent.

Talk less of you not being allowed to play basketball.

Isn't this the woman he was talking about being on top of him. You need to accept he won't change. This isn't the first time he's been texting other women...it won't be the last either.

losingfaith · 05/05/2019 19:40

The following is going to be harsh.

You start multiple threads requesting advice. You ignore said advice and then ask the same question again.

If you want to improve your situation actually reduce the angst find your self respect if not for yourself, but your kids.

In the alternative carry on posting here wasting other people's time (in addition to your own). Ignore the advice and continue the drama.

SusieOwl4 · 05/05/2019 19:55

you say he cant be having an affair as he is with you or working. Trust me if he has a lunch break that's long enough . Or the odd day off that you don't know about. If there is nothing to it then why are they messaging at all ?

Flamingosnbears · 05/05/2019 20:37

Just leave him op.

Swipe left for the next trending thread