Saw just one text :( please tell me what to do

[Kassia88]

I posted awhile ago on my other account about how I found DP texting woman at work. The texts were sexual, flirty but nothing happened (I’m about 98% sure on this) I got really good support from here
It is so hard for me because a lot of my friends don’t like him anyway so it’s not like I can really confide in them

I have been trying to put it behind us, he was very sorry and reassured me. After I had found out, he didn’t propose and got me a ring. TBH, I accepted but not with my heart. It just felt like going through the emotions
He seemed annoyed I hadn’t told people at work (again, this was because I’ve been a mess not really sure what I want or if I should leave) I mentioned that if anything he SHOULD be telling ow
This ow apparently had no idea as she’s been sitting on a different floor from him

Come, last Wednesday she had come back to sit next to him so that day I told him that he should tell her
He APPARENTLY told her on Thursday, text me about it then when he came home
Reiterated he told her and she had said “congrats” but got “funny”
As we were talking all of a sudden a text comes through from her!! Saying “so you won’t tell anyone?x”

I was in shock as I had no idea she wasn’t txting her number was not saved And he said himself that’s her txting me I said ok click on it , he did and I quickly saw a few back n fourth messages between them , I tried to grab phone to read them
But all of a sudden he grabbed the phone and said “you’re not reading them” “you have to trust me” and deleted the thread!

I’m now in a big shock from everything he claims that he had made a joke to her saying “you’re invited to the wedding” and she had said but does she know what I look like etc and thats the explanation of her “so you won’t tell anyone?” Text

Now please tell me if I’m going insane! Does that make any sense at all? I know it doesn’t but he was adamant , said he had told her we’re getting married and she’s reacted because she fancies him

I was so distraught I tried txting her a few times to ask her what was going on.
NO RESPONSE at all,

Instead, she txt him which was right in front of me saying “she is saying I am harassing you, should I tell her if this is true or not? I can’t be doing with this shit”

This again was in front of me so I flipped and told him to reply back saying I had not said that at all and to tell her to leave him alone. He said no she’s not worth it and seemed angry, deleted the txt and is trying to act normal saying he loves me etc and wants to only be with me

I’m in obvious shock and so upset. What should I do? What could her txt have meant? Should I txt her again? I find it odd she didn’t respond to me

@systems2
Talk about what? She is obviously being the "side chick" and pandering him. She won't talk to me anyway I've tried

Why would you present yourself as married for the Muslim students?! You surely don’t feel the need to discuss your private life with them? (and, no offence, but I don’t imagine you’re a teacher)
This is getting weirder by the minute

@TheGrey1houndSpeaks

I'm an intervention teacher and come from a Muslim family. I would rather give them
The pretence I am married rather than living in sin as I know this does not make me look very good as Muslim.
With that aside, I also didn't want to announce to everyone at work as I was still dealing with the betrayal and mixed emotions.

You are a teacher . Sweet Jesus, I despair...

The answer is, you'll never be happy with this man, cos he's a cheating abusive bastard who you need to leave.

This.
Stop trying to understand and just leave
He is clearly cheating on you... 🤦‍♀️

There’s no need to be confused. He’s a dick, plain and simple.

@TheGrey1houndSpeaks

I don't understand the importance on my job regarding this? Are you trying to put me down and say I can't be a teacher because of my relationship problems? Isn't that a judgemental and ironic considering you're coming out with my dp is abusive/manipulative

He can text whoever he likes when you’re a free agent and have moved on to better things. Porn the ring and go on holiday.

If your friends aren't happy about the way he has treated you that's pretty much the best indication that this person isn't good for you. Get out now, you don't have to discus your relationship status with your students or colleagues if you feel it would be detrimental, just keep yourself to yourself in future. But the worst thing you could do would to be to go ahead with this engagement. Also, would be a bit obvious you weren't married before if suddenly wedding invites and photos started cropping up anyway. Not to mention, there would be a subsequent divorce clearly.

Also, if religion has relevance to you more than culturally...I don't know how your religion works but...living in sin is one thing marrying people we already know aren't good for us and don't have our best interests at heart (and who make our lives miserable) is way worse. It's lying before your god. Just saying.

She only started txting him again though after he's told her we are getting married that's what gets me confused. He said he wishes he didn't now
He is doing all he can to gain my trust and I'm not accepting it- this is what he's saying we've just had a big argument and he's said well if you don't like it just leave
I just feel for the children :( I don't want to mess with their childhood

If you're confused, as you say upthread, it's because you're trying to make one thing look like another. He's hoping you will. So he's not honorable and you're being taken for a ride. What will matter to you in the long run, that it looked like you were married and you looked like a good muslim, or that you find a nice, good person and actually marry?

Mess with whose childhood?

She only started txting him again though after he's told her we are getting married

Ya right. Bets are they have been texting and deleting messages all along and he's now trying to weasel his way out of it by lying to you. If you go ahead and marry this prick you'll really only have yourself to blame when it all goes tits up in the future. Save yourself that hassle and end it now.

You have children?

Even more reason to leave. You don't raise children with a man who you don't trust, in an environment of stress and upset. Do the kids a favour and get them out of there.

If you have any self respect at all youll dump this one. Hes laughing at you and so is his other woman. Hes not even trying hard to hide it. Thats how little he respects you. Wise up woman. You are better than this and you can DO better

Why have you started another thread when you clearly listened to none of the advice that people gave you on your other thread?

You said you had a plan in place to leave and now you’re getting married? There is no helping some people who must clearly love the drama....

Ok...I take back my previous message.

Here’s what you want to hear...

You should trust your partner op as he sounds charming and wonderful.

He clearly just wanted to be a casual work friend to her, but you’ve pushed him into speaking and texting with her because you wanted him to tell her you were engaged. Silly you.

Now she’s harassing him and chasing him; clearly to his dismay and he’s too nice to text her to back off, so he’s going to just try to ignore the situation instead. You should too.

In fact, she’ll probably get bored soon. Or, here’s something magic you can say...

“Hi ‘ow’. I know you won’t reply, but just to let you know dp and I are very happy, so you should find someone else. You’re making him sad”.

She’ll soon see the error of her ways and you can marry your prince and love happily ever after.

🙄

I'm sorry OP but after the first palava why didn't he block her on absolutely everything - you must feel sick constantly and your mind must be whirring all the time. He's being really shitty to you - it's very easy to block all contact on a phone - working with her, he can't avoid, but everything else he can. He's being awful to you and if he can do this (texting, sex, or whatever) now, I'm sure he can easily do it again. You don't need this awful suspicion and upset in your life - it doesn't matter what she meant - it matters he was still in contact and wouldn't let you see any messages

So basically because you don't want to be a bad Muslim you are willing to put up with this kind of behaviour?

OP, what do you want? You just want us to say yes, it'll all work out, he's going to change and stop cheating, the past abuse and harm that did to your dc won't matter, get married to him, it'll all be wonderful and your mum will be pleased that you finally landed a husband.

He's failing to earn your trust because he's still texting the other woman, being shady and has a long history of lying through his teeth to you. Therefore he's not trustworthy and some not-deluded part of you recognises that fact.

But fine, yes, it'll all work out, he's going to change and stop cheating, the past abuse and harm that did to your dc won't matter, get married to him, it'll all be wonderful and your mum will be pleased that you finally landed a husband. OK.

Love, you know deep down that something isn’t right but due to what I think is a lack of self esteem, you aren’t hearing yourself think and trusting those instincts.

It seems like there was something lacking in the proposal, it all seems forced and not the joyous occasion it should be. This also makes me think that your self esteem is low, it’s like you are to quick to accept a big moment that doesn’t stack up, this is your life not a dress rehearsal.

It’s unacceptable for him to be having any contact with this woman, in the form of tests, after he crossed the line last time. That he expects you to accept a private conversation with her is also unacceptable.

There are many people who will love you, and who you could love. Find someone appropriate and that you’re likely to be happy with. I don’t think this sounds like true love. Even if he isn’t cheating, and I’m so sorry but I think he is hiding something but that’s too painful for you to accept. Even if he isn’t cheating, he is pushing boundaries and behaving disrespectfully. If this is how he is now, how he will be in 3 kids time when the honeymoon magic has worn off.

You sound like you have work to do in learning to love yourself, and that’s not your fault, we all go through this. What concerns me is that the conversation was upsetting you and he didn’t end it or act in ways that reassured you.

You can find someone that loves you and makes you feel secured and let’s you trust. You can find happiness within yourself and your life without a man, you really can. Life doesn’t have to be a roller coaster of emotions and nobody should leave you feeling insecure. Life shouldn’t be that hard especially not during happy moments, You are worth more.

Good luck to you sweetness xxxx

OP you need to stop going on about what she did, what she text, why she did it... It's all irrelevant. You are not in a relationship with her.

All you need to decide is whether or not you want to be in a relationship with a man who shows his contempt for you by lying and cheating.

Do you want to be married to a man that you can never trust?

Why would you choose that for yourself?

You will always have three people in this relationship.