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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Why would he say this?

141 replies

OrangesInSeville · 03/05/2019 03:41

I’ve been dating a guy since mid February and we are both exclusive but he has been dragging his heels in labelling it as a ‘relationship.’ Up until recently this hasn’t been a problem for me as he said he didn’t want to rush things but I saw him this evening and something he said has bothered me.

He said that he doesn’t consider himself single and he’s not looking for anyone else but as we’re not officially in a relationship he said I can still date other men as long as I tell him first. I said I didn’t want to do that and that I only want to date him. He pressed the point harder and said: “until I ask you to be my girlfriend you are free to do what you want.” I asked him if it would bother him if I started seeing other people and he said he wouldn’t have a leg to stand on as I’m technically single. Shock He said he will make things official with me ‘when he’s ready.’

We are both mid thirties and both have said we are looking to settle down. We laid our cards on the table early on but now he comes out with this? He has always made a bit of a song and dance about being in a relationship, making statements like: “I’m incredibly picky so will only get into a relationship if I am 100% sure about that person” and “it doesn’t take much for me to go off a woman, I’ve dumped women that I’ve liked over the smallest things.” I’m not sure how relevant this is but he did also say that he won’t be putting any pictures of us on social media as he likes to keep things private; my gut is telling me that he doesn’t want other women to know he’s seeing me. Conversely, he treats me like
I’m his girlfriend: we see each other a lot, I’ve met all his friends and family, he encouraged me to leave my personal belongings at his house for when I come to stay, he calls me everyday and he talks about future plans.

He’s been single four years and claims to be ready to settle down but this evening has made me reconsider whether I should pursue this or get out now?

OP posts:
Robin2323 · 04/05/2019 17:26

Draining he life out of him ???
What a drama 'queen'
And this after 2 months.
Total tosh.
No wonder he's still single.

You have good boundaries.
Bullet dodged.

Noimaginationxyzz · 04/05/2019 18:00

I hope you're ok, but his reactions - bearing in mind he's not announced to you you're a g/f and you're free to date other people - are hilarious. At least you aren't left with any angst about whether you've done the right thing or not!

MrsMozartMkII · 04/05/2019 18:37

Just seen your update.

He's barking mad. Definitely no further contact with the spawny-eyed wazzock.

lifebegins50 · 04/05/2019 19:57

Sounds like he suffered a narcisstic injury.
Admitting to raging is worrying and you are well rid of him.

The "draining" comment is likely to be projection. Do not own this or dwell on the comment. He is not someone whose feedback you should take.

lifebegins50 · 04/05/2019 20:03

#Ohyesiam, good insight.

Just to address the earlier comment about him "being hurt before", even if this was the case it makes him emotionally unavailable so unable to form healthy relationships. No one else can cure him, no about of love will fix him, he has to do the work himself and start by acknowledging it.

EchoCardioGran · 04/05/2019 20:24

Just here to cheer. Grin
Well done in getting shut of this loser so quickly. I'm proud of you Orange
Spawny eyed wazzock sums him up perfectly.

Closetbeanmuncher · 04/05/2019 20:33

Seen your update....well thats attractive 🤔 Erm....I don't want your well wishes basket case - rage away darling 😂

Glad you've binned him off he's definitely more than a few sandwiches short of a picnic!

ISpeakJive · 04/05/2019 20:37

Ouch! Someone’s pride has taken a bit of a hit there. OP!
Bet he didn’t see that coming??
Well done for getting rid. What a tool..

stressedoutpa · 04/05/2019 21:30

Good grief, what a lucky escape!

Nodding about the laid back, controlling, being called neurotic comments..... Been there!

OrdinaryGirl · 04/05/2019 22:14

He's a ~just barely~ closeted misogynist, and so you ditched him. How cheering it is to read this on MN. Grin Brava, OP!

Desmondo2016 · 04/05/2019 22:24

You're such a winner op! Blocking him was the right thing, just sad (for all of us) we'll never know what other nonsense he woild come out with in his 'rage' Grin

fia101 · 05/05/2019 05:29

No flowers being sent or calls to urgently meet up to discuss what went wrong, that he can change, let's salvage this. He wasn't invested in the set-up. He's happy to let you walk away just pissed he didn't get in first. Really crap he insulted you too. "Draining the life out of me" what a horrible thing to say.

He sounds incredibly immature and selfish. He tells you he wants to settle down but his actions don't accord.

fia101 · 05/05/2019 05:30

Ps well done in taking swift action! Totally the right thing!

PBobs · 05/05/2019 05:54

A man telling you he will decide when you are in a relationship - please tell me that you see how that is controlling behaviour?

Middersweekly · 05/05/2019 09:09

@OP blimey you had a lucky escape there! He’s ‘Raging’ because you called time on the ‘relationship’??!! He sounds narcissistic and very controlling. Obviously upset because he thought he was in the driving seat and you dumped him Grin.
Clearly he was stringing you along for sex whilst still actively trawling for another woman. Disgusting!
There are plenty of committed men out there who would be only too happy to call you their girlfriend. You deserve better! Well done on standing your ground!

ThePerturbedPenguin · 05/05/2019 09:39

So glad you made your lucky escape now and aren’t posting two years in to a shit relationship with a horrible man!!!!

Bet you are relieved Smile But yes the idea of starting again is exhausting! Onwards and upwards..

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