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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Why would he say this?

141 replies

OrangesInSeville · 03/05/2019 03:41

I’ve been dating a guy since mid February and we are both exclusive but he has been dragging his heels in labelling it as a ‘relationship.’ Up until recently this hasn’t been a problem for me as he said he didn’t want to rush things but I saw him this evening and something he said has bothered me.

He said that he doesn’t consider himself single and he’s not looking for anyone else but as we’re not officially in a relationship he said I can still date other men as long as I tell him first. I said I didn’t want to do that and that I only want to date him. He pressed the point harder and said: “until I ask you to be my girlfriend you are free to do what you want.” I asked him if it would bother him if I started seeing other people and he said he wouldn’t have a leg to stand on as I’m technically single. Shock He said he will make things official with me ‘when he’s ready.’

We are both mid thirties and both have said we are looking to settle down. We laid our cards on the table early on but now he comes out with this? He has always made a bit of a song and dance about being in a relationship, making statements like: “I’m incredibly picky so will only get into a relationship if I am 100% sure about that person” and “it doesn’t take much for me to go off a woman, I’ve dumped women that I’ve liked over the smallest things.” I’m not sure how relevant this is but he did also say that he won’t be putting any pictures of us on social media as he likes to keep things private; my gut is telling me that he doesn’t want other women to know he’s seeing me. Conversely, he treats me like
I’m his girlfriend: we see each other a lot, I’ve met all his friends and family, he encouraged me to leave my personal belongings at his house for when I come to stay, he calls me everyday and he talks about future plans.

He’s been single four years and claims to be ready to settle down but this evening has made me reconsider whether I should pursue this or get out now?

OP posts:
DogHairEverywhere · 03/05/2019 10:57

Well done, OP. You've dodged a bullet there.

FetchezLaVache · 03/05/2019 10:59

Sweet Jesus, have you dodged a bullet here!!!

PlinkPlink · 03/05/2019 11:09

Sounds like a right oddball.

Well done OP 😊 no point wasting more of your time.

woollyheart · 03/05/2019 11:15

Well done! He may never be ready to settle down with anyone. If he has some awareness, maybe he will start to realise that two people are involved in a relationship, not just him.

Motheroffeminists · 03/05/2019 11:16

Well done! It's easy to see why he was single for 4 years. What an arrogant and controlling twat. He thought he was god's gift to you and you've just burst his bubble Grin

GallopingGreen · 03/05/2019 11:18

You should celebrate after work OP- you really have dodged a bullet! I'm happy for you that you have realised this now, and not wasted a year or more on this immature eejit! A decent well rounded grown up man would not talk like this!

Hearhere · 03/05/2019 11:20

He sounds weird and manipulative, what was that bullshit wordsalad explanation that he gave you?

Ginkythefangedhellpigofdoom · 03/05/2019 11:39

So he's not upset that he's lost you he's angry.

Too angry to try to save the relationship in fact as "he can't bring himself to speak to you"

What a prick.

FreshAprilStart · 03/05/2019 11:44

Ha ha, he'll be furious alright. That you've taken control.

Well rid.

LemonBreeland · 03/05/2019 11:44

Wow what a strange man he is. His reaction really just proves that you made the correct decision.

OrangesInSeville · 03/05/2019 11:44

ginky the fact he hasn’t even attempted to fight for this says it all doesn’t it. Total prick.

Starting to feel better about getting rid of him, just feel a bit wobbly about getting back on the dating scene again. It’s exhausting.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 03/05/2019 11:45

Yup, that's a bit of knob cheese no one needs in their life.

He's controlling and manipulative and unpleasant to boot. By the time he'd finished with you, you'd be a nervous wreck with fuck all self esteem.

The way to avoid abusive relationships is to get out when you see the red flags being waved.

You did the right thing. This twat thought he was doing well, you working hard to be with him, and him keeping his options open to see other women. That's why he's angry. He thought he was being clever and manipulating you.

AnyFucker · 03/05/2019 11:55

Yep, arrogance bubble popped. He's just pissed off you took control. Well done you.

Hearhere · 03/05/2019 12:13

I can't believe what he said about being incredibly picky etc, he thinks he's gods gift to women doesn't he
what a joke 🤣😂
I'm embarrassed for him the way overplayed a pathetic hand

Hearhere · 03/05/2019 12:15

So many men just haven't got the memo have they, women no longer need to dance to your tune, we can live for ourselves, earn our own money
They need us much more than we need them

Ginkythefangedhellpigofdoom · 03/05/2019 12:27

It does say it all orange. He wants complete control both in the "relationship" and out with it which is why he's angry, he thinks if anyone ends it it's going to be me! No emotional response about you at all!

Dating is exhausting but not nearly as exhausting as being in a shitty relationship!

Hearhere · 03/05/2019 12:34

I think he may have been following some sort of pick up artist PlayBook?

Anniegetyourgun · 03/05/2019 13:06

You said he encouraged you to leave your stuff at his place? Did you, and will you be getting it back?

OrangesInSeville · 03/05/2019 13:18

Annie luckily it’s just a toothbrush and some make up/toiletries that I can live without.

OP posts:
stressedoutpa · 04/05/2019 09:10

You'll be described as a psycho now op! Grin

Give the dating a rest for now and spend some time and attention on yourself.

Please don't let that twat weedle himself back in. You are worth so much more! x

AgentJohnson · 04/05/2019 09:14

In the words of Ariana Grande, ‘Thank U, next’.

Runbikeswim · 04/05/2019 09:23

Keep the bin lid shut tight....

babbi · 04/05/2019 09:27

Well done OP ..... totally dodged a bullet there ... manipulating a&&& of a man

Take a break from dating and look after yourself.....

Then the world will be your oyster ...

losingfaith · 04/05/2019 09:56

Well done Op. sounds like he was trying to grind down your self esteem and make you feel Lucky he was with you.

UnicornDust9 · 04/05/2019 10:18

Well done.

He sounded controlling..: he would decide when you become a couple ? And now he’s angry you took the decision away from him.

He’s all me me me.. asshole.

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