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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Why would he say this?

141 replies

OrangesInSeville · 03/05/2019 03:41

I’ve been dating a guy since mid February and we are both exclusive but he has been dragging his heels in labelling it as a ‘relationship.’ Up until recently this hasn’t been a problem for me as he said he didn’t want to rush things but I saw him this evening and something he said has bothered me.

He said that he doesn’t consider himself single and he’s not looking for anyone else but as we’re not officially in a relationship he said I can still date other men as long as I tell him first. I said I didn’t want to do that and that I only want to date him. He pressed the point harder and said: “until I ask you to be my girlfriend you are free to do what you want.” I asked him if it would bother him if I started seeing other people and he said he wouldn’t have a leg to stand on as I’m technically single. Shock He said he will make things official with me ‘when he’s ready.’

We are both mid thirties and both have said we are looking to settle down. We laid our cards on the table early on but now he comes out with this? He has always made a bit of a song and dance about being in a relationship, making statements like: “I’m incredibly picky so will only get into a relationship if I am 100% sure about that person” and “it doesn’t take much for me to go off a woman, I’ve dumped women that I’ve liked over the smallest things.” I’m not sure how relevant this is but he did also say that he won’t be putting any pictures of us on social media as he likes to keep things private; my gut is telling me that he doesn’t want other women to know he’s seeing me. Conversely, he treats me like
I’m his girlfriend: we see each other a lot, I’ve met all his friends and family, he encouraged me to leave my personal belongings at his house for when I come to stay, he calls me everyday and he talks about future plans.

He’s been single four years and claims to be ready to settle down but this evening has made me reconsider whether I should pursue this or get out now?

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 03/05/2019 07:20

Good decision

YouJustDoYou · 03/05/2019 07:24

Well done op.

HampshireSun · 03/05/2019 07:28

Am I the only one who thinks he's just scared to label it (maybe because of fears or previously being hurt)? I've been hurt previously and as soon as things start getting serious I panic and push the guy away.

lickencivers · 03/05/2019 07:28

God he sounds charming OP Confused

Think you’ve done the right thing. Good luck x

HennyPennyHorror · 03/05/2019 07:38

Sun Yup! You're the only one.

ChristmasFluff · 03/05/2019 07:57

Well done OP!

Don't be tempted to waver due to a previous poster bringing on the old chestnut of how he might be 'scared to label it' and self-sabotaging. Even in the unlikely event of this being true, rather than the usual line that players use, you are not his therapist. He would need to sort out his own problems rather than looking to someone else to heal him. Never gamble on potential - cos then you end up with the rubbish 'sunk costs' thing going on after ages as the potential never materialises.

Well done once again, OP

ooft · 03/05/2019 08:07

Get your trainers on and run like the wind

Mother87 · 03/05/2019 08:24

"Until i ask you to be my girlfriend" GrinGrinThis alone would put me off hugely - are you supposed to feel incredibly lucky or something - ooooh the arrogance! He's just not that into you NOR does he merit YOUR attention!!!

Mother87 · 03/05/2019 08:27

Sorry just read update (my excuse - am on strong painkillers/DH in hosp/not quite with it) WELL DONE OP - he had prime knobhead-potential!!

KarenTheCashRegister · 03/05/2019 08:29

Well done op. He sounded like a right tosser.

Theredjellybean · 03/05/2019 08:31

He sounds a real player.
He's in his 30's and acting like a teenage boy.. Honestly very unattractive behaviour.
Glad you dumped him op but I don't think by text???
Am I the only one who thinks that is not nice, though I guess maybe all he deserves...

AnyFucker · 03/05/2019 08:36

Well done.

He sounds like a right fucking spanner.

AnyFucker · 03/05/2019 08:37

Text dump is appropriate here. This guy needs a pin sticking in his big fat bubble of arrogance.

Ohyesiam · 03/05/2019 08:48

It’s a personal red flag for me that he’s externalising everything.
He won’t talk about his feelings or process, he makes objective statements about you being technically single.
This is a man who lives in his head, disconnected from his heart, disconnected from his feelings and a bit cut off from life. They tend to be able to go cold really easily, and they can seemingly have personality transplants, going from present to distant without acknowledging it. They also tend to compartmentalise.

I really avoid these men as they turn me into a needy mess. My dad was like this and I’m suddenly a very drippy 4 year old when they withdraw without acknowledging it.

You may be made of sterner stuff op, but for me I would cut my losses.

Ohyesiam · 03/05/2019 08:52

Sorry op, i was late to the party!

SandyY2K · 03/05/2019 08:59

Good move in ending it. His attitude would annoy me.

woollyheart · 03/05/2019 09:08

Well done! He has made it clear that only a perfect woman would do for him. That is to keep you desperate and trying.

The only way to deal with this was to agree that you are not his 'perfect' woman, and you never want to be.

peoplepleaser1 · 03/05/2019 09:13

Well done OP. You have done the right thing and left yourself in a position to move on and find someone lovely, rather than coasting with this man who sounds like an entitled arse!

ParadiseInDisguise · 03/05/2019 09:17

He’s holding out for someone better to come along. He is happy to play boyfriend to you in the meantime. Sorry, but you are just a stop gap. Ditch him and don’t look back.

HappyLife21 · 03/05/2019 09:23

Am I the only one who thinks he's just scared to label it (maybe because of fears or previously being hurt)? I've been hurt previously and as soon as things start getting serious I panic and push the guy away

That might well be why he is doing this, but it is still a good reason to end things. Anyone who behaves like this is not good ‘setting down’ material.

letsdolunch321 · 03/05/2019 09:30

Didn't read full post, got to the bit - he said i can date other men as long as I tell him.

Get RID of this twat now, have respect for yourself. He is out for himself, let him find another who is happy to play his game

letsdolunch321 · 03/05/2019 09:32

💐 and hugs for you on ending it.

You will find another who treats you right.

TessaL23 · 03/05/2019 09:34

Good for you .. you deserve better!! I've read too many stories on here about these types of things dragging on for years and years!!

OrangesInSeville · 03/05/2019 09:35

Well I must say his reaction is one of oddest ones I’ve had when breaking up with someone. He’s just told me he’s incredibly angry that I’ve decided to end it. He said he doesn’t want to
Lose me but he’s so annoyed he can’t bring himself to speak to me.

I’ve blocked him now.

OP posts:
OrangesInSeville · 03/05/2019 09:36

Thank you for the lovely replies I’ve received and for all of the advice

OP posts: