Why would he say this?

[OrangesInSeville]

I’ve been dating a guy since mid February and we are both exclusive but he has been dragging his heels in labelling it as a ‘relationship.’ Up until recently this hasn’t been a problem for me as he said he didn’t want to rush things but I saw him this evening and something he said has bothered me.

He said that he doesn’t consider himself single and he’s not looking for anyone else but as we’re not officially in a relationship he said I can still date other men as long as I tell him first. I said I didn’t want to do that and that I only want to date him. He pressed the point harder and said: “until I ask you to be my girlfriend you are free to do what you want.” I asked him if it would bother him if I started seeing other people and he said he wouldn’t have a leg to stand on as I’m technically single. He said he will make things official with me ‘when he’s ready.’

We are both mid thirties and both have said we are looking to settle down. We laid our cards on the table early on but now he comes out with this? He has always made a bit of a song and dance about being in a relationship, making statements like: “I’m incredibly picky so will only get into a relationship if I am 100% sure about that person” and “it doesn’t take much for me to go off a woman, I’ve dumped women that I’ve liked over the smallest things.” I’m not sure how relevant this is but he did also say that he won’t be putting any pictures of us on social media as he likes to keep things private; my gut is telling me that he doesn’t want other women to know he’s seeing me. Conversely, he treats me like
I’m his girlfriend: we see each other a lot, I’ve met all his friends and family, he encouraged me to leave my personal belongings at his house for when I come to stay, he calls me everyday and he talks about future plans.

He’s been single four years and claims to be ready to settle down but this evening has made me reconsider whether I should pursue this or get out now?

I’m interested to see that a lot of people think he’s controlling. I have never thought of him like that as when I was with him, bar him making it clear when he would make things official, he didn’t seem controlling at all. He actually was quite laid back about a lot of things.

I guess maybe his ego is bruised from me dumping him as he always made it clear that he was the one who usually ended things when he was seeing someone and not the other way round.

I will definitely be taking a break from men for a while, I feel drained.

Be prepared for him to try to reel you back in, just so HE can dump YOU.

TheStoic I did wonder if he might try that

They always seem laid back until you are committed to them (engaged, married, pregnant) and then the shitty side truly surfaces

He thinks he is the dogs bollocks and his ego is bruised.

You sound lovely and you obviously have good self esteem. So glad you dumped him!

I think this is a tactic that he’s used quite successfully in the past. In keeping a woman constantly on the back foot (why won’t he commit?) she’ll do anything to try to be the perfect girlfriend. It is extremely controlling.

A normal man would have said he wasn’t ready for a full on relationship and it would be best to break up.

It was a huge red flag.

If he does try and reel you back in let us know and we will coach you through it 😉

Hearhere thank you, I will! The advice I’ve received on here has been fantastic

Bullet dodged.

He sounds really very controlling under a smokescreen of laid back.

Bet your boots once he’d got you hooked it would have been a living nightmare.

I’ve just received a very weird email from him.
All it said was: “I’ve been raging since you ended things even though being with you was draining the life out of me. I would say I wish you all the best but I’m too bitter right now.”

Have now blocked his email address but what a weird thing to send

I hope you’re ok, Oranges.

Just wanted to say thank you to all the people who’ve replied on this thread. I split up with my “boyfriend” earlier this week and he is a carbon copy of the OP’s! So this thread has been very useful.

Just blocked him on everything :-D

Posted before I read the update - what an absolute twat!

Thank you Frith I hope you’re doing ok as well

He’s angry because you’ve taken control and he was enjoying manipulating you. Well done OP.

Controlling people do seem laid back, even though that sounds counter-intuitive. People who are being controlled are labelled as neurotic and insecure because they never know where they stand - the laid back ones are quite self-assures because they’re in charge.

Can I just ask, when it became a thing to ask someone to be your girlfriend/boyfriend if you're older than 12?

When I was dating, once you had been out with someone on a regular and exclusive basis, you became girlfriend & boyfriend, certainly having met friends and family.

It just seems really weird.

Oh dear he really didn't like you taking control back and making it clear that a relationship is a two way street! Still, that's his problem not yours OP, you did absolutely the right thing this guy had enough red flags to hang out the bunting. If he makes contact or tries to through any other means I'd send one response making clear he isn't to contact you again before blocking - well done you!

he is trying to lure you back in by talking about his complex and intense feelings, trying to flatter you by telling you that you've caused him to feel all these things

DressyMcDressFace thank you for your comment. In several relationships I've been accused of being needy and neurotic and insecure and yes, I now realise it's a result of being controlled and never knowing where I stand. Yes too, to the controlling people being laid back. My latest ex was very laid back and subtly controlling. So much so that even though I'd been in abusive relationships before, I just couldn't see it as it was so subtle. It took me until I was out of it to realise how manipulative and controlling he'd been.

He sounds like a child throwing his teddies out of the pram. That 'draining the life' comment was his attempt to repair his ego (I didn't want to go out with you anyway flounce).

What a tool. You have done exactly the right thing. Imagine if you had wasted years on this idiot

King of the Twats

The words of an abusive individual.

I'd understand if he was upset, but "raging" is bizarre and points towards him not actual long having cared and confirms it was all about control. He doesn't like that he isn't in charge.

Wow, what a confirmation that you did exactly the right thing there!

He clearly wasn’t expecting to lose control of the reins with you... or should I say ‘choke collar’ rather than reins, it’s more what that kind of man aims for.

And then what an obvious leaking of his real insides with those two messages. Ergh. Foulness. So glad he revealed himself so you’re never going to be trapped into that mans allure again.

What a horrible man. He's angry and trying to make you doubt yourself and feel bad about yourself. That 'you were draining the life out of me' comment is disgusting.