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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Why would he say this?

141 replies

OrangesInSeville · 03/05/2019 03:41

I’ve been dating a guy since mid February and we are both exclusive but he has been dragging his heels in labelling it as a ‘relationship.’ Up until recently this hasn’t been a problem for me as he said he didn’t want to rush things but I saw him this evening and something he said has bothered me.

He said that he doesn’t consider himself single and he’s not looking for anyone else but as we’re not officially in a relationship he said I can still date other men as long as I tell him first. I said I didn’t want to do that and that I only want to date him. He pressed the point harder and said: “until I ask you to be my girlfriend you are free to do what you want.” I asked him if it would bother him if I started seeing other people and he said he wouldn’t have a leg to stand on as I’m technically single. Shock He said he will make things official with me ‘when he’s ready.’

We are both mid thirties and both have said we are looking to settle down. We laid our cards on the table early on but now he comes out with this? He has always made a bit of a song and dance about being in a relationship, making statements like: “I’m incredibly picky so will only get into a relationship if I am 100% sure about that person” and “it doesn’t take much for me to go off a woman, I’ve dumped women that I’ve liked over the smallest things.” I’m not sure how relevant this is but he did also say that he won’t be putting any pictures of us on social media as he likes to keep things private; my gut is telling me that he doesn’t want other women to know he’s seeing me. Conversely, he treats me like
I’m his girlfriend: we see each other a lot, I’ve met all his friends and family, he encouraged me to leave my personal belongings at his house for when I come to stay, he calls me everyday and he talks about future plans.

He’s been single four years and claims to be ready to settle down but this evening has made me reconsider whether I should pursue this or get out now?

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 03/05/2019 09:39

Good on you for blocking him. He is angry because he has now lost his power and control (which is at the heart of abuse) completely over you and now will have to put the work into find another woman; exerting power and control was what your relationship was all about.

Men like this can and do mess with boundaries; work on recovering yours before you embark on another relationship.

Inebriatededna · 03/05/2019 09:42

There’s a saying , never make someone a priority if they only treat you as an option .

Doesitevenmatternow · 03/05/2019 09:50

Why is he the boss? He will make it official when he is ready? I'm glad you've binned him off. He sounds a control freak.

peoplepleaser1 · 03/05/2019 09:54

@OrangesInSeville- interesting reaction! I'm not sure how he can be angry or upset that you've ended 'it' because he had already said that there wasn't really an 'it' to end?!!!

I suspect he feels rejected and he doesn't like it. His treatment of you was dismissive and cold so he's not really in a position to feel annoyed about being rejected.

Onwards and upwards for you OP!

peoplepleaser1 · 03/05/2019 09:55

@Inebriatededna I love that saying, it's very true.

LadyMinerva · 03/05/2019 10:01

'until I ask you to be my girlfriend'... Good lord, is he 12?

Sounds like you've dodged a bullet if he is angry you've ended it off rather than sad.

NorthEndGal · 03/05/2019 10:02

Sounds like he really wants to be in control of you!
Thank god you are out of it now!

TheBulb · 03/05/2019 10:05

His reaction tells you a lot. You moved the goalposts and (quite rightly) walked off home with your ball, and he's standing in the middle of the playground throwing a giant tantrum.

Isohungy · 03/05/2019 10:13

He's angry because he had all the control. Block and move on, something very sinister about that reply. Bullet dodged!

hellsbellsmelons · 03/05/2019 10:14

So he won't commit.
He's blatant about it.
He's clearly not 'that into you' otherwise you would be his 'girlfriend' by now.
He's keeping his options open.
He doesn't mind you seeing other blokes as you are still 'single'
He wants everything on HIS terms.
And now he is angry with YOU!!!!
Dodged a bullet there OP.
Well done on blocking him.

MyCatHogsTheBed · 03/05/2019 10:22

Well I guess you can in a funny way be grateful that his angry reaction proves that you were right to end it. He thought he had all the power and he was comfortable with that, even knowing you weren't. You opted out of his power trip and his reaction confirms that it was about power; he's not happy that he lost the control. Maybe he'll treat his next partner better, or maybe he'll blame you and go and find somebody "less psycho" = more compliant.

Either way you're free to go find somebody who WILL commit ❤

bellaellie · 03/05/2019 10:31

I think there's an OW involved and this is just an excuse of his

HennyPennyHorror · 03/05/2019 10:35

Course he's angry. You interrupted his narrative. I bet he's thinking

THIS ISN'T HOW IT WAS MEANT TO GO!!!!

In his little mind, you were meant to chase after him like a starving puppy...you were meant to do EVERYTHING you could to "catch him" and he was meant to keep you at a comfy arms distance whilst shagging you as and when he fancied.

You changed it. HA!

Welliesandpyjamas · 03/05/2019 10:37

Better single with the option of finding someone decent than staying in a (non)relationship with someone childish.

DisastrousBee · 03/05/2019 10:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

KarenTheCashRegister · 03/05/2019 10:41

You’ve had a lucky escape

MozzchopsThirty · 03/05/2019 10:42

Absolutely the right call OP
Well done for taking it by the balls and ditching this idiot

I dated one like this, said he dumped women over the smallest thing as he was 'choosy'
Spent weeks walking on egg shells
Fuck that
With a proper man now

pocketcucco · 03/05/2019 10:42

Well done OP! He sounds like no good. You'll find someone awesome soon :)

JustHereWithPopcorn · 03/05/2019 10:43

Well done for blocking him that was the best thing to do, if he can be like that now he was only going to get worse it was a big red flag

onemorecupofcoffeefortheroad · 03/05/2019 10:49

Brilliant OP.
So good to hear you made the decision it wasn't working for you, took control and acted on it. As others have said you upset his narrative - this wasn't how it was meant to go and now he's throwing a tantrum.

HelenUrth · 03/05/2019 10:49

Well done for dropping him OP.

I'm not surprised his reaction hasnt been normal, when I read this:
"it doesn’t take much for me to go off a woman, I’ve dumped women that I’ve liked over the smallest things.",
instantly I thought that was so manipulative, basically telling you he'd drop you if you didn't stay in line.

He may well up the ante now because he feels insulted. Stay strong!

MrsMozartMkII · 03/05/2019 10:49

Blinking heck!

What a controlling arse he is.

Thank wotsit you're out of it lass. Though I bet that when he's calmed down he'll be trying to get in touch. He'll want to regain control.

123456Abcde123456 · 03/05/2019 10:52

He's seeing other people

He's told you that you can too, so no fit for him, but he knew you wouldn't.

123456Abcde123456 · 03/05/2019 10:53

No guilt*

Amazonfromkent · 03/05/2019 10:57

Well done OP. I had almost the same thing happen to me. I was too weak and addicted to the morsels of attention and wasted 1.5 years. You have done well and are well rid of that prick.

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