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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Constant little digs - ignore or confront every time?

106 replies

RoyalChocolat · 02/05/2019 08:01

Not looking for advice on the whole relationship (sadly, I don't think there is any hope left) but rather a short-term coping strategy.
DH is constantly putting me down. To give a few examples, in the last few days :

  • he looked at my stomach and asked me "who got you pregnant?". I have just lost 14kg and our fourth child is 4 months old.
  • we had guests over and I made a lime pie that everyone raved about. He pushed it around his plate and went on and on about how mousse is disgusting and he could not possibly eat that. Even the guests looked embarrassed. The next day, when the DCs polished it off, he had the exact same rant.
  • whenever the DCs ask me to explain something to them, he makes a snarky remark about "people who think they are clever". Usually, he then asks me a very specific question (the last one was "what is the gravity two light years away from a black hole?" - we were talking about politics). When I tell him I have no idea, he gloats "Aha! See, DC, Mummy doesn't know everything!"

My question is, as long as we share a home, should I confront him when he does it, or ignore completely so as not to reward his behaviour by reacting to it?

OP posts:
redannie118 · 02/05/2019 08:10

This reply has been withdrawn

The OP has privacy concerns, and so we've agreed to take this down now.

croprotationinthe13thcentury · 02/05/2019 08:12

Sounds like he doesn't actually like you tbh.

Jeezoh · 02/05/2019 08:13

It’d be radio silence from me, don’t give him the satisfaction of any reaction as that’s what he’s looking for. Act like he’s not said anything or you’ve not heard him.

I hope you’ve got an exit strategy though as he sounds awful!

downcasteyes · 02/05/2019 08:14

Wow, that's really abusive, horrible behaviour.

Can you accelerate your plans to get away from this man? Sadly, I think being physically in different places is the only thing that will stop someone that bad.

Original poster
RoyalChocolat · 02/05/2019 08:14

croprotation I do think he hates me.

OP posts:
PurpleWithRed · 02/05/2019 08:15

How soon can you split up?

Very tempting to come up with a repetitive witty retort of the 'did you mean to make yourself look so stupid?' type, but it may just prompt him to be more unpleasant.

Maybe just consider keeping a daily score of his twattishness and writing a little diary at the end of the day. I found it very empowering to re-read when I was leaving XDH.

StoatofDisarray · 02/05/2019 08:15

OP, that sucks :-( How childish. I would just ignore him, and add it to the "Reasons why I'm fucking off" bank. When are you leaving/kicking out this prince among men?

PrincessTiggerlily · 02/05/2019 08:15

'If you continue this constant trying to get one better than me I will leave you. '
But speak to a solicitor first to see how you would manage to do this. He will probably pick up the difference in your demeanour and know something is up, you will appear less browbeaten. So that should stop it. It is petty and ridiculous.

LemonTT · 02/05/2019 08:18

What do you want to achieve by confronting him.

If you want to continue to live a life filled with childish bickering and petty put downs then the smart retort works.

But otherwise I suggest you both get some counselling to sort out this. It’s not something you can ignore. Or, just decide to split up because as a pp says he doesn’t like you, he is childish, he can’t articulate his feelings and you don’t communicate as a couple. Frankly it is only a matter of time.

TanMateix · 02/05/2019 08:19

OP, that is seriously diminishing and abusive behaviour. What keep you there?

I wouldn’t feel there is much purpose in confronting him, he thinks he is more clever so what you may think about this horrible behaviour... he wouldn’t care.

I would say that if this is as regular as you say you can start putting your ducks in a row preparing to leave, and quietly balance things a bit by doing less for him.

Is he abusive in other aspects?

ShatnersWig · 02/05/2019 08:20

Do you HAVE to have a short term coping strategy? Can't you just end this dead marriage now?

Drogosnextwife · 02/05/2019 08:20

Confront every single time. Perhaps not infront of the kids because you don't want to make them feel uncomfortable, a good stare down would probably be enough or a laugh and a patronising "aww". He sounds like an absolute bellend and he is trying to make you feel like shit and run your confidence into the ground. Do not allow him to do it. Call him out Infront of other adults, embarrass him right back.

Drogosnextwife · 02/05/2019 08:21

I'm assuming there are reasons you cant leave asap. If you can, do it.

Original poster
RoyalChocolat · 02/05/2019 08:22

I used to be devastated and look for ways to improve myself to be worthy of him. I credit Mumsnetters for teaching me about abusive relationships! Flowers
Now I can ignore his behaviour, but I am wondering if I should stand up for myself to show the DCs that bullying is unacceptable.

OP posts:
Ohyesiam · 02/05/2019 08:22

Op, please say you have your exit strategy lined up? The thought of you staying with this sort of nastiness is awfulAngry

TanMateix · 02/05/2019 08:23

Bellends that are trying to make you look like shit won’t back off with a stare or a patronising “aww”. They will intensify the aggression or even beat you.

UnaOfStormhold · 02/05/2019 08:23

The thing with ignoring and not challenging it is that your kids will think it's normal to treat people that way. Even just a "why did you feel the need to say that?" is better than silence.

MashedSpud · 02/05/2019 08:24

Say “Is the reason you constantly put me down because you’re trying to make me feel bad about myself or because you feel bad about yourself and belittling others gives you a gloaty feeling?”

GOODCAT · 02/05/2019 08:25

Confront - I agree with everything drogosnextwife has said.

TanMateix · 02/05/2019 08:25

You need to get yourselves to counselling to sort your marriage or leave. Would you like your kids to act like you (passively letting him walk over you) or becoming as abusive as your husband? They are being raised in the idea that such awful behaviour and putting up with it is what relationships are about.

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 02/05/2019 08:26

It sounds like you are leaving - and that is what tells the DC that his behaviour is unacceptable. So does ignoring it, tbh. Not pretending everything is fine ignoring, but treating it with the contempt it deserves - no attention whatsoever.

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 02/05/2019 08:26

And save your energy for getting out of there.

Shoxfordian · 02/05/2019 08:32

How soon can you leave him?

Hithere12 · 02/05/2019 08:32

L T B

Original poster
RoyalChocolat · 02/05/2019 08:32

TanMateix counselling would not work. I have tried, many times over the last 10 years, to have a calm, adult conversation with him. It inevitably ends with him listing everything I have ever done wrong since we got together (I have mentioned it in the past on MN - he is still going on about that time when I didn't rinse the bath in 2008). He then moves on to character assassination, where every sentence begins with "What I hate about you is...", "What is despicable about you is...".

OP posts:
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