Constant little digs - ignore or confront every time?

[RoyalChocolat]

Not looking for advice on the whole relationship (sadly, I don't think there is any hope left) but rather a short-term coping strategy.
DH is constantly putting me down. To give a few examples, in the last few days :

• he looked at my stomach and asked me "who got you pregnant?". I have just lost 14kg and our fourth child is 4 months old.

• we had guests over and I made a lime pie that everyone raved about. He pushed it around his plate and went on and on about how mousse is disgusting and he could not possibly eat that. Even the guests looked embarrassed. The next day, when the DCs polished it off, he had the exact same rant.

• whenever the DCs ask me to explain something to them, he makes a snarky remark about "people who think they are clever". Usually, he then asks me a very specific question (the last one was "what is the gravity two light years away from a black hole?" - we were talking about politics). When I tell him I have no idea, he gloats "Aha! See, DC, Mummy doesn't know everything!"

My question is, as long as we share a home, should I confront him when he does it, or ignore completely so as not to reward his behaviour by reacting to it?

I'd go with an obvious eye roll. I think it's worthchlanneging in front of the kids so they don't think it's OK but something short and patronsing. What would you say to the kids if they were mean to each other?

Have you spoken to anyone at something like Women's Aid about your abusive husband?

Phone Women's Aid, get legal and benefit advice.
And end this now. No one is happy and it is doing your children harm.

Do you think he will be violent? He sounds like a ticking time bomb to me.

He is obviously resentful. What happened? Was it gradual?

If you are intimidated by him don't do what I am going to suggest, just make efforts to leave.

However, if you think it is just low level aggressive behaviour then try the following:

Stop doing his laundry and cooking or cleaning for him for starters.

Mentally and as far as you can emotionally detach.

Whenever he is rude or about to be tell him he is going to be recorded. Set up cameras. Ask the police/ woman's aid for advice.

Do not keep it secret. Tell everyone in real life.

Record everything he says and does, you will need this as evidence.

Tell him he is being unacceptable. If he snarls at you in front of the children, address the children. Daddy can't help being nasty to mummy at the moment, can he?

Privately if they are old enough ask your DC what they think of the situation. Are they intimidated by him?

Call Jim up on it every single time but in a clever, pitying way, sometimes grey rock way.

"You can't help it can you? " Is all you need to say.

Don't escalate the situation but your DC's and your mental health need to come first.

Never allow DC to think that women can be badly treated and it is to be accepted.

You need to be a good role model to them. I think you know what you have to do.

peekyboo looking back the abuse started, very subtly, after the birth of DC1.
The frog in hot water analogy is very true in my case.
Things became very bad after the birth of DC3.
It then got better for a while (I wish I had known about the cycle of abuse back then).
It got even worse when I got pregnant with DC4/5 (DC4 is in fact our fifth child - our unborn son died last year).

I would leave the room every time he says something rude or belittling. You do not have to stay and be insulted or bullied. Don't say anything, or engage, just walk out with dignity.

I would go grey rock and hope he gets bored with no reaction.

He's been abusive all this time yet you've continued having kids with him, if you don't leave, no more babies. Horrible situation for children to grow up in.

Daddy can't help being nasty to mummy at the moment, can he?

Kids won't get the sarcasm and will think she's excusing him! Of course he can help it. He's choosing to be vile.

This is horrible him treating u this way, u deserve way better. This must hurt alot when he says nasty things to u. I normally would say to people not to give up on a relationship but u do need to leave him & start a new life x

Royal, try reading up on the 'grey rock' method and maintain this type of low contact until you are in a position to leave. No matter how much you stand up to him to show your children this is unacceptable behaviour from their father, they will unfortunately learn by example and think this constant onslaught of abuse is normal male behaviour Not to mention you will end up in a cyclical pointless argument every time you respond. He wants you to respond, he enjoys your reaction and causing you pain. He is essentially a sadist. Counselling is pointless, reasoning is pointless, these men cannot and will not change. It's all about power and control. I've learned this the hard way and it's so damaging to your sense of self worth and your children's.

Short term strategy to maintain your sanity is to zone out of his comments, ignore completely and go about your normal life. I think any smart arse comments to him, attacking him verbally in return or trying to let him see how unreasonable he is - those are all a waste of time as this situation is beyond that. You need to really be careful and not make him worse. As PP have said, he sounds like a ticking time bomb. First time I've said this but you have to LTB. Soon.

Also, the posters who said just leave, it isn't that simple. Domestic abuse is very complex, it takes a woman on average 7 times before they leave an abusive relatinship for good. OP knows she should leave but it isn't that simple and it's something abused women have to come to terms in their own time. Getting frustrated with women who don't pack their bags immediately prevents them from reaching out for help and instead of being judged, they should be supported every step of the way until they manage to find a way to leave. This is a societal problem and the only way to help is for everyone to learn the dynamics of abuse and how best to support women in this situation. The fact that someone suggested couples counselling or making sarcastic retorts just shows the lack of understanding of the problem. Some women will be killed just for 'answering back'. These men are irrational, illogical and cannot accept that their behaviour is abusive but most of all they have no empathy and simply dont care. You cannot reason with a person with that mentality and it could in fact be very dangerous if you do.

I don’t agree with ignoring it. He is a bully and I think it makes bullying worse if you don’t stand up for yourself. Also make an escape plan.

I agree with @UnaofStormhold upthread.

Ignoring his behaviour, particularly in front of the DC, will teach them that this is ok.
It's not.

You dont have to react angrily or over the top. A simple, calm response of "It's not okay for you to talk to me that way."

It sounds to me like you want to leave. What would happen if you seriously sat down with him and said "If you continue to do this, I will not be staying around much longer"?

If the answer is he'd lose his shit, then you need to leave but do so quietly. Get everything together, everything in place and leave.

He could be angry because the DCs are taking your attention from him. What was his DPs like, cold or manipulative?

I can see some of my DH in this behavior which is sad to say.
It's the little snipes and put downs that get to you eventually.How they try to compliment you but then end it with a put down.
My personal advice it to LTB whilst you are young and the kids are too.
I have stayed for the family and am now living to regret it as i am rather trapped. My now grown up children have lived through his unpleasant behaviors and support me where possible.
I have concluded that this behaviour is because these men are insecure in themselves and use us as a mental punch bag
Needless to say Mumsnet has helped me see the light and my future will be without him when the time is right

PrincessTiggerlily his father was abusive and walked out on him when he was very young. He died recently. DH was raised by his maternal grandparents.

PlinkPlink if I were to start such a conversation (again) he would turn it against me and start his usual litany (I could play a game of bingo if I wanted) : I am lazy, I sit on my bum all day while he is working, I am craving other men's attention, I don't keep the house tidy enough, I don't raise the DCs properly, I spend all his hard-earned money, I am the most selfish person he has ever met, I am immature...

Obviously I think you should get out but if you can't how about saying 'thats unkind' every time so he becomes aware of how often he does it.

Oh jeez what a prick!
Definitely leave as soon as possible but in the mean time I'd definitely react, but calmly and with a smile
Things like with the pie 'ah well everyone else loved it, there's always an odd one out'

As for the asking who got you pregnant comment I think my reaction would have been 'you, unfortunately'

It's hard in front of the DCS but if he puts you down in front of them I think I'd still come back with something like 'aww ignore Daddy, he just gets grumpy when Mummy's cleverer than him'

Please get out of this situation as soon as possible though, it's not a healthy environment for you or your DC's

And his mum?
Basically abandoned by parents.
Has chip on shoulder and takes it out on you.
He needs therapy.

You need legal advice on how to leave for when you are ready to.

You deserve so much better than him.

I am sorry about your Mum I moved house at the same time that my Mum was dying from terminal cancer and we buried her the week we moved. I thought it would break me, mentally. It was so stressful but actually I had my two amazing children and an incredible Dh.

You can do this, you can get through it. But see a solicitor just so you know what you can expect. Get your ducks in a row for when the time comes.

It doesn't seem like you have a plan to leave anytime soon.

I would stop socialising with him and live your own life. Not having polite and necessary conversation.

Don't engage with him and ignore his put downs.

My response if I was trapped with multiple kids or because of any other thing would be....

If he says mummy doesn't know everything...a good reply is " Of course I don't know everything. Nobody does...but it's a good thing we have Google isn't it".. then smile sweetly as you need to pop upstairs..to the kitchen...or to the loo.

If he is rude about your food... response.. " We all have our likes and dislikes. All the more for those who like it"

"What dessert would you like next time?"

Any sentence that begins with what he hates or dislikes about you....stop him and say "you know what?" Ive got a good idea
Why don't you make a written list it all the things you hate about me and email it. When you remember something else...add it to the list and resend. That way I won't forget."

@Lockcodger made some very important points about just how hard it can be to leave, and why a woman should not be made to feel shamed or judged for not having done so or to be finding it hard to do so.

Also some very important advice about why smart retorts can be a very risky business in this situation.

This is a terrible situation for you and your children to be in, OP, I really feel for you. I hope you can find a way out soon - if you could get legal advice or some advice from womensaid about possible entitlements and assistance, that could be good?

Robin his Mum remarried (that's why he was raised by his GPs). She was a kind woman who had a very hard and unhappy life. She died three years ago.
He comes from a culture where women are not respected. He prides himself on being different. Basically because he doesn't hit me or cheat on me he considers himself a great husband.
I agree that he needs therapy. But that is his problem.

TheTreeHearsYourSecret Sorry about your Mum too . My Mum has just undergone months of gruelling treatments. It has been effective - her consultant says it might give her up to four extra years, even though she cannot be cured.
I rant about the small things when I speak to her because makes her feel useful and it takes her mind away from her disease for a while. But she doesn't suspect the extent of the abuse and I don't want to burden her with it.

Why do you have to leave? What would happen if you asked him to go ? "As you so obviously dont like me perhaps you would be happier elsewhere..."..
Would you feel safe doing that ?