Constant little digs - ignore or confront every time?

[RoyalChocolat]

Not looking for advice on the whole relationship (sadly, I don't think there is any hope left) but rather a short-term coping strategy.
DH is constantly putting me down. To give a few examples, in the last few days :

• he looked at my stomach and asked me "who got you pregnant?". I have just lost 14kg and our fourth child is 4 months old.

• we had guests over and I made a lime pie that everyone raved about. He pushed it around his plate and went on and on about how mousse is disgusting and he could not possibly eat that. Even the guests looked embarrassed. The next day, when the DCs polished it off, he had the exact same rant.

• whenever the DCs ask me to explain something to them, he makes a snarky remark about "people who think they are clever". Usually, he then asks me a very specific question (the last one was "what is the gravity two light years away from a black hole?" - we were talking about politics). When I tell him I have no idea, he gloats "Aha! See, DC, Mummy doesn't know everything!"

My question is, as long as we share a home, should I confront him when he does it, or ignore completely so as not to reward his behaviour by reacting to it?

Imagine how sad it makes your children, listening to their father abuse their mother like this.

There will never be a good time to separate from him.

You have 4 children, it should be him leaving the home.

Have you sought legal advice about your entitlement to the assets and how finances would work in the short term?

I'm sorry to be so crude but are you likely to receive an inheritance if your mother were to pass away? I don't know what the law is in the UK but where I live divorcing him earlier would protect this inheritance from the marital asset pool.

OP this is terrible for your children to grow up around. They will carry this with them all their lives if you just stay and 'cope' with it. It's terrible for you as well. Would it really be so much worse for him to be gone?

I bet your Mum would love to help you!! It could help her to feel useful at a time when she has been vulnerable recently, and give her a reason to keep going!! She would not thank you for keeping quiet about his treatment of you; by keeping quiet you are not allowing her a full understanding of the situation and the ability to decide how she handles the situation: you are deciding it for her. Do think about it, at least.

It is also possible your kids could develop a closer relationship with your Mum, that they and she will treasure forever!

He doesn't like the fact you've lost weight and is feeling insecure, where he should be praising you and loving you for it.
He's resenting you for being brighter than him, and is insecure again.
Your children and yourself don't need this negative influence, you need to highlight every negative thing, and if he doesn't change you need to think about whether or not you can put up with it.

If at all possible, go and be with your mother

Take the kids and make a new life there, you can sue him for divorce from wherever- just make sure you get all the right documents etc before you go.

I’m willing to bet your friends who came to dinner would be helpful somehow too.

Your only goal in life now needs to be to get him out of your lives, do what you can in advance and get out while he’s at work

If the kids need school places, start talking to schools now about getting them call the council and ask them for help, woman’s aid should be able to advise you too.

He’s despicable. Your children will be so much healthier and happier when they aren’t living in that toxic environment

Others are right OP. I grew up in this sort of environment. No physical abuse but constant nasty snipes. It's affected my relationships immensely. This is awful for your children. Please get your exit plan sorted and just avoid him as much as possible so the kids don't have to witness these exchanges.

Pft, he's a narcissist and yes, he does hate you. Don't let your child grow up anywhere near this person and their toxicness. As for his little digs whilst you have to stand them 'don't talk to me like that' (in a calm tone) and leaving the room is probably your best bet. But it's a short term fix. Infront of other people, call it out, always - 'well that was innapropriate!' shame him. Of course you may suffer the consequences but meh, you'll suffer anyway, might as well show others what he is whenever possible. Because guarantee he'll tell everyone he can YOU are the crazy one when you finally leave.

Just to say those are not little digs - they are huge, nasty digs. It sounds like you are trying to reduce their impact which is good, but this is really unpleasant behaviour :-(.

Sounds like hell on earth Royal.

As long as you live with him, I guess all you can do is try to spend as little time as possible not in the same room as him and the kids.

There are some things that really signify a relationship cant be worked out, and one of the main things is contempt. He treats you with contempt. You wont be able to show him the error of his ways, but this will be very stressful for your children, whether you respond to him or ignore it. Remember that this is the template for your childrens future relationships too. They are learning from you how it is done.

I think for yourself and for your children, you really need to put a plan in place to get the hell out of there. Id even suggest contacting womens refuge if you cant get a deposit together yourself, because he is definitely abusive

You would qualify for housing benefit and universal credit and child benefit and maintenance from him before the split of assets, you would manage financially, just speak to someone who knows the process and start.

I'd get out....seems unrealistic to expect a decent response to challenge. Keep your communication as safe as poss. Xxxxxxx hugs xx horrible to live in that atmosphere

I left. I cut my maternity leave shorter than planned. I stayed with friends short term. I got out. I wish the same for you, as soon as you feel able. A refuge is better than this.

Why don't you ask him to leave? Tell him that the example he is setting is not acceptable for you or the children and you want him to go.

And for short term coping I would say to ignore him and stay away from him as much as possible.

Remember the kids will be picking up how he speaks to you and it will affect them long term, and i thinks he’s probably got another woman On the go and is pushing you away in order to make you do the deed and start divorce so he can look like the poor dumped one..
Get rid anyway..

I couldn't put up with that. I got annoyed just reading your post. Your husband is supposed to be lovely to you. Ask him why he is such a dick to you!

Your poor kids. They think this is normal. If you don't make it clear that it's not normal- and that it is completely unacceptable, they will continue this cycle as adults.

Someone needs to stop this now, and as your husband seems to be nasty and clueless, it looks like its down to you, however unfair that may seem.

This is your children's lives, you cant afford to ignore the situation.

This is emotional abuse. You can't mitigate it through your reaction because he will just change technique. He is looking for the fight and the 'score' of putting you down. Whatever defense tactic you use to cope, he will turn back on you. And your kids will see this and possibly pick it up too. He wants you there (for whatever reason) but he does not like or respect you. My very strong advice to you is to get out asap. Go to your mum. Take the kids. Tell her why.

Op there is no way of managing an abuser. The only way to hide it from the children is to gaslight them. They know what is going on.

I tolerated horrible behaviour for far too long. To my absolute horror my grown children have all ended up with abusers.

Perhaps get in touch with women's Aid and see what your options are.

I know hindsight is a wonderful thing but why would you choose a man from.a culture where women are not respected?? And then expect to be treated differently than generations of other women (if that's the culture) your children deserve better than this, time to woman up and get out of there. It's not going to be easy but it will be better than this I promise you, for you and them.

"what is the gravity two light years away from a black hole?"

No idea arsehole and don't give a shit.....

My ex H was like this. I used to confront it every single time and thought I was being strong, setting boundaries and showing him how wrong he was. The truth was I was only putting myself through constant peaks of stress each time I prepared myself for and then went through these confrontations. He didn’t change, he got worse and worse and I was very mentally ill in the end and in a constant state of stress and high alert waiting for the next jab. My body forgot what it was like NOT to be on high alert. I should have got out much sooner than I did. I suspect it’s worse even than you realise and that won’t be clear to you until you’re out of it.

I keep posting this in similar threads, but it's such good advice. beingabeautifulmess.wordpress.com/the-180/
In the meantime if you read coatsprotection thread on how to set yourself up to leave, there's some great ideas on there.