Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Constant little digs - ignore or confront every time?

106 replies

RoyalChocolat · 02/05/2019 08:01

Not looking for advice on the whole relationship (sadly, I don't think there is any hope left) but rather a short-term coping strategy.
DH is constantly putting me down. To give a few examples, in the last few days :

  • he looked at my stomach and asked me "who got you pregnant?". I have just lost 14kg and our fourth child is 4 months old.
  • we had guests over and I made a lime pie that everyone raved about. He pushed it around his plate and went on and on about how mousse is disgusting and he could not possibly eat that. Even the guests looked embarrassed. The next day, when the DCs polished it off, he had the exact same rant.
  • whenever the DCs ask me to explain something to them, he makes a snarky remark about "people who think they are clever". Usually, he then asks me a very specific question (the last one was "what is the gravity two light years away from a black hole?" - we were talking about politics). When I tell him I have no idea, he gloats "Aha! See, DC, Mummy doesn't know everything!"

My question is, as long as we share a home, should I confront him when he does it, or ignore completely so as not to reward his behaviour by reacting to it?

OP posts:
TixieLix · 02/05/2019 08:33

He wants you to be upset by his comments. In most situations I'd just smile or laugh. Don't show that you're bothered. When he asks you an obscure question in front of the DC, get in first by saying "I'm not sure, but there's a thing called Google for people like me who don't know everything".

Pinkandfluffy2012 · 02/05/2019 08:35

"You're trying to make me look stupid, but all your achieving is making yourself look like a bully/twat" (depending on company).

But really, why bother? Can you imagine yourself still with him at 70, having lived this life all those years? If not, might as well get on with it now and start your new exciting life.

When you're ready to start taking action, post on Mumsnet again and you'll have all the practical advice you need.

Good luck.

TanMateix · 02/05/2019 08:40

Honestly.. what on Earth are you still doing
there?

Regardless of what people may think, divorce is not a failure, it is about finding the courage and strength to leave an abusive relationship and carve a much better future for you and your kids.

Staying when a husband starts sentenced with the words “what I hate most about you..” doesn’t make you a martyr but a coward, especially when you have kids. Find your strength and leave, this is no good “legacy” to your kids.

bigbadbadger · 02/05/2019 08:45

Plan to separate and present it as a done deal. Do you own your homes? You need to stop this before he infects the dc with the idea this is a normal way to treat your partner.

ShatnersWig · 02/05/2019 08:46

Can I ask this again please, because I think it's even more pertinent after your update:

Do you HAVE to have a short term coping strategy? Can't you just end this dead marriage now?

Beachbodynowayready · 02/05/2019 08:46

Whenever you can /dc not around, wear headphones and sing a lot.
Me singing and not giving a fuck drove exh mad!!.
You need to make plans to ltb. For your mh and for your dc.

ShatnersWig · 02/05/2019 08:49

In December you were on a thread where you said "I am in an abusive marriage".

I'm not sure confronting an abuser is necessarily a good move. What is a good move is to LEAVE, not finding coping mechanisms.

Lllot5 · 02/05/2019 08:59

You really need to leave. He is belittling you because of his own insecurities but that’s not your problem. It will only get worse especially if you try to play him at his own game with snarky or witty retorts.
Seriously you need to leave.
See a solicitor and put the wheels in motion.

Original poster
RoyalChocolat · 02/05/2019 09:02

ShatnersWig it would be very difficult to leave now, materially.
I am on maternity leave and could not rent my own place. Selling our house would take months (there would be enough equity to pay a couple of years' rent, but not enough to buy).
I have no support network at all. My mother is very ill (terminal cancer).

I know that asking for coping strategies in my situation is a bit like having an arm off and asking for a sticking plaster.

OP posts:
BreakfastAtSquiffanys · 02/05/2019 09:06

"DH, do you realise how stupid and unpleasant such comments /behaviour make you look?"
Do not wait for a reply.

hoopsandlipstick · 02/05/2019 09:10

My first ever LTB

AttilaTheMeerkat · 02/05/2019 09:14

"I know that asking for coping strategies in my situation is a bit like
having an arm off and asking for a sticking plaster".

Indeed and you do know this.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here from the two of you?. Think about this.

Ultimately barriers to leaving are not insurmountable but perhaps you are also afraid of him and change. Fear of him and fear of change are some of many reasons why people stay with their abuser.

Financial worries however, count for little when your children are also seeing you as their mother being emotionally abused by their dad. A good solicitor and legal advice could help you with a financial settlement. What legal advice, if any, have you sought to date?

I am sorry to read about your mother and in her remaining days she would surely not want you to remain with your husband.

Whatisthisfuckery · 02/05/2019 09:18

OP call Womens Aid, they may be able to advise you on how to get the bastard out. He sounds utterly vile, not unlike my ex. A couple of phrases that might help: When he says something nasty just say ‘yes dear,’ in a bored tone. Whenever he tries to make you look stupid by asking ridiculous questions answer, ‘I don’t know, what is it?’

Really though, you need to be away from him somehow, whether that’s by leaving, which you shouldn’t have to do because presumably you’ll have the DC, or getting him out. Call Womens Aid and get some legal advice.

birdonawire1 · 02/05/2019 10:11

Ignore it and him. Don't speak to him at all. Just make you escape plans and go ahead with a divorce in the least confrontational way possible. Men like him like you to escalate things so that they can reverse it and describe you as the aggressor. Avoid being in the same room as him where possible. Don't argue as it rebounds back on your kids. Ignore him and his comments.

Floralhousecoat · 02/05/2019 10:11

Awww op. I really hope you manage to get out of this relationship.

In the meantime, every time he has a dig, just smile and say, 'oooooh feeling insecure again, are you darling? You never used to be so insecure. I feel so sorry for you.'

Tighnabruaich · 02/05/2019 10:17

He then moves on to character assassination, where every sentence begins with "What I hate about you is...", "What is despicable about you is...".
So if he hates you and despises you - what are his reasons for staying with you? Have you ever asked him that?
What a nasty, nasty piece of shit he is. I hope that in due course when your circumstances change you can get far away from him. What a way to live your life.

pissedonatrain · 02/05/2019 10:19

See a solicitor now.
Call women's AID.
Find out how much CM he'll have to pay.

The timing is never gong to get any better. The sooner you find out your rights, the sooner you can be rid of him.

I couldn't imagine having 4 DC with this vile POS. It would make my skin crawl to be anywhere near him let alone allow him to touch me.

I'd rather live in a rented flat than to spend another minute with that abusive arse.

Make the calls and get things going.

Original poster
RoyalChocolat · 02/05/2019 10:22

Tighnabruaich the nicest thing he has said to me in the last couple of years is "Thank God for the children, or we would not be together". I suppose he has convinced himself he is staying "for the children" (nothing to do with the fact that I do 95% of parenting and housework and that he would have to actually spend time on those if we were to split...)

OP posts:
ImANameChangerBabySoWhy · 02/05/2019 10:23

I would leave.
Easy to say.
I did leave in similar circumstances actually and I think the full extent of how it used to make me feel is only dawning on me now.
As previous posters have said, your children will be absorbing a lot of this as "normal".

Bookworm4 · 02/05/2019 10:23

I'm disgusted he speaks to you like this, what a vile bully.
Next time he starts with 'what I hate' reply 'well there's the door since you hate me so much'
I would get as much information as you can as to where you stand re:house/finances.

timeisnotaline · 02/05/2019 10:24

I suppose given your updates I would say nicely (in front of the children.) you must be very insecure.
Please don’t tell me you do his washing etc.

HappyLife21 · 02/05/2019 10:26

The timing is never gong to get any better

This ^ there will always be a good reason not to go. Always.

ginghamstarfish · 02/05/2019 10:28

Oh, OP, please do as PPs suggest and call Women's Aid, or get some legal advice. While you might think you can cope with this for some time yet, think of the effect on your children. As for your response to his bullying and pathetic comments, I honestly don't know what to say ... ignoring him might escalate things, reciprocating might make it worse ... there isn't any good way.

peekyboo · 02/05/2019 10:30

Had he got worse since your youngest came along?
Or has he got worse since your mother had been ill?
My ex used my mother's serious health scare to become angry and betrayed by me, saying my mother was exaggerating her illness to get my attention away from him...

Robin2323 · 02/05/2019 10:31

Neither of you seem happy
What do you do for yourself ti make YOU happy?

What does he do fir himself to make him happy?

Has it all become about the kids?

Are there rows?

Di you have any time as just a couple ?

Swipe left for the next trending thread