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Original poster

Caught my friend's DH cheating

119 replies

PinkGrapefruitFanta · 01/05/2019 13:40

Name changed for this.

I have a good friend who I've known for several years. She's been married for about 20 years. I don't know her husband very well, but have always got on fine with him.

Well, I've just seen him quite near to where I work, and he was kissing another woman who was not his wife. It was definitely him and it was definitely a proper snog, not just a friendly peck on the cheek.

My loyalty is to my friend and normally I wouldn't be hesitating over telling her, but there are some complications in this case. Firstly, she is completely dependent on her husband. She has long-standing physical and mental health issues, and she doesn't work or claim any benefits, so she's not able to cope financially without him. The other problem is that she told me a while back that she has no sex drive at all because of all her health problems, and she and her husband haven't slept together for years. She says he has been "very good" about it and is never pushy. I'm wondering now if they have some kind of "don't ask, don't tell" arrangement whereby he can look elsewhere but she doesn't want to know about it, in which case my news wouldn't be welcome. Or maybe she knows about it and isn't bothered at all!

I suppose the best case scenario is that I tell her, she says "yes, I know", and things are a bit embarrassing for us both. But there are some considerably less desirable outcomes too - what if she's devastated but doesn't have the means to leave him? She might even decide that it's not in her interests to believe me, and I'll lose her as a friend.

WWYD?? At the moment I have no idea at all...

OP posts:
FiremanKing · 01/05/2019 13:43

Given the info you have about their sex life I would keep quiet.

Shockers · 01/05/2019 13:44

Tell him instead? What a horrible position to be in Sad.

WasFatNowThin · 01/05/2019 13:44

I'd have a word with her husband, tell him what you saw and would he mind you telling his wife?

TheGoodEnoughWife · 01/05/2019 13:45

Give the husband a week to tell her and if he doesn't you tell her.
It is not up to you to be the gate keeper of this information.
She should be allowed to know what is going on and to decide for herself what she does with that information.

Blondebakingmumma · 01/05/2019 13:46

I wouldn’t tell her. Sounds like she has enough on her plate

ChrisPrattAteMyHomework · 01/05/2019 13:47

What's the point in telling him?

He already knows he's doing it.

And he could easily lie and say his DW knows and it's an arrangement.

I would tell her.

Just because she is ill doesn't mean she shouldnt know the truth.

juneau · 01/05/2019 13:47

I'd actually stay well out of it. She's told you what the situation is and for you know she's decided not to ask what he gets up to. It's rarely a good idea to get involved in other people's marriages.

zippey · 01/05/2019 13:49

I’d just forget what I saw and not say a word.

NChangeForNoReason · 01/05/2019 13:51

Don't get involved - there isn't an outcome where someone isn't going to get hurt and u blamed for being the bearer of bad news.

Do however be supportive when this all comes out (because it always does in the end!)

Tightarseparent1 · 01/05/2019 13:51

I’ve been in this position - twice.

First time it was a family member, all hell broke loose and she didn’t speak to me for nearly two years, only starting when she actually caught him herself with some one different and they split

Second time - I was in a restaurant on the other side of the city, I suddenly saw my step sisters husband walk out the restaurant, casually, with his arm around another woman who was dressed up to the nines. He never saw me (I don’t think) They were by themselves.

I never mentioned it to her. They are still together. I don’t see her much and learned my lesson from the last time.

Lllot5 · 01/05/2019 13:52

I’d keep out of it to be honest. Maybe say something to him about what you saw and if he says they have an arrangement you could tell him to be a bit more discreet. Other than that not much you can do.

LilaGrace · 01/05/2019 13:53

No, definitely not. It's simply not your business, and you don't know what arrangement, implicit or otherwise, they have.

Original poster
PinkGrapefruitFanta · 01/05/2019 13:54

I have to say, I'm erring on the side of not saying anything at the moment, but at the back of my mind I'm thinking that I would want to know if it was me.

Perhaps it's not my secret to keep, but the outcome for her is a bad one in most of the scenarios I can think of. I don't feel like I know him well enough to talk to him.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 01/05/2019 13:55

Stay well out of it.

DiscontinuedModelHusband · 01/05/2019 13:55

might it be an idea to let her know anonymously?

that way you're not the messenger who'll get the blame, but she still has the information (assuming she doesn't already).

appreciate this doesn't help her in terms of her being trapped (which she likely isn't really, but understandable why it might feel like that).

WeepingWillowWeepingWino · 01/05/2019 13:56

I think in this instance I wouldn't tell. It sounds like he is standing by his wife who needs his support, but there is no intimacy and so he is seeking it elsewhere.

In this particular case I think his ongoing support for his wife trumps his sexual infidelity.

celticmissey · 01/05/2019 13:56

I was in the same position once but I worked with the man having the affair with a neighbour of mine. I gave him a week to tell his wife or I was going to tell her and he did. If he hadn't I would have told her. I hate liars and I would hate it if someone didn't tell me the truth.

It's a bit different with your friend I can see - personally I couldn't live with myself if i kept that information from a friend.

You could always ask her hyperthetically that if her husband was having an affair would she want to know and get more of an idea.

ems137 · 01/05/2019 13:59

I can't believe most people wouldn't say anything.

The poor woman has some health problems but why does that mean it's ok for her husband to be shagging around? I would be mortified and so angry if I found out that my actual friends knew about my husbands affair. They wouldn't be my friends anymore that's for sure!

Can you all honestly say, in her position, you'd be like "oh it's ok friend, I wouldn't expect you to tell me DH was shagging someone else?!"

TheGoodEnoughWife · 01/05/2019 14:00

Unfortunately it is your business as you have this information. What you should be staying out of is deciding what the outcomes are for her. That is not your place. She should have be able to decide what to do with the information.

Whatever any one thinks about their set up the people in it should be able to make informed decisions for themselves which involves you telling her.

PurplePiePete · 01/05/2019 14:05

I agree with thegoodenoughwife. Careful language is your friend - sufficiently brief with the key information that she can gloss over if it's not something she wishes to discuss (& knows about it one way or another), but divulge all if she asks and wants to know

WeepingWillowWeepingWino · 01/05/2019 14:05

she may well have this information already and feel humiliated that her friend is now aware of it.

the information about their complete lack of sex life is relevant. They may well have come to an arrangement.

As I said, in this specific set of circumstances I'd keep out of it.

Roussette · 01/05/2019 14:07

'do have a word with her husband, tell him what you saw and would he mind you telling his wife?

Like he's going to say... oh, ok, she doesn't know about this but I'm so glad you found out, yes please do go and tell my wife

coolestmum · 01/05/2019 14:08

I can't believe the amount of people saying they would not say anything.

I'm glad you're not my friends!

Issues or not, her DH is cheating on her and surely she would appreciate knowing so she can decide for herself what she does or does not do about it.

If a friend of mine knew my DH was cheating and didn't tell me i'd be devastated and would certainly not want them as a friend anymore.

LillithsFamiliar · 01/05/2019 14:08

I'd tell her. Even if they have an 'arrangement' she may still be unhappy about him publically snogging someone else. Just make it clear you have no expectation of her to react in a certain way and that you won't mention it ever again.

janeybumtum · 01/05/2019 14:08

Your friend was in exactly the same position as my mum was a few years ago, all of the facts match. Everyone in our village knew what was going on except my mum, she was too ill to leave the house most of the time. She still holds so much anger because no one told her. I can see exactly why no one would have felt they could or didn't know what the arrangement was - and that includes me because I knew as well. I don't know what your friend is like as a person, but knowing how much my mum was disturbed by not knowing, if I could go back, I'd have talked to her and tried to gauge whether in a "hypothetical" situation like that she'd want to know. It's a very difficult one. I'm kicking myself all these years later for not telling her, but if I had, maybe I'd still think I'd done the wrong thing.

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