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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Caught my friend's DH cheating

119 replies

PinkGrapefruitFanta · 01/05/2019 13:40

Name changed for this.

I have a good friend who I've known for several years. She's been married for about 20 years. I don't know her husband very well, but have always got on fine with him.

Well, I've just seen him quite near to where I work, and he was kissing another woman who was not his wife. It was definitely him and it was definitely a proper snog, not just a friendly peck on the cheek.

My loyalty is to my friend and normally I wouldn't be hesitating over telling her, but there are some complications in this case. Firstly, she is completely dependent on her husband. She has long-standing physical and mental health issues, and she doesn't work or claim any benefits, so she's not able to cope financially without him. The other problem is that she told me a while back that she has no sex drive at all because of all her health problems, and she and her husband haven't slept together for years. She says he has been "very good" about it and is never pushy. I'm wondering now if they have some kind of "don't ask, don't tell" arrangement whereby he can look elsewhere but she doesn't want to know about it, in which case my news wouldn't be welcome. Or maybe she knows about it and isn't bothered at all!

I suppose the best case scenario is that I tell her, she says "yes, I know", and things are a bit embarrassing for us both. But there are some considerably less desirable outcomes too - what if she's devastated but doesn't have the means to leave him? She might even decide that it's not in her interests to believe me, and I'll lose her as a friend.

WWYD?? At the moment I have no idea at all...

OP posts:
Original poster
PinkGrapefruitFanta · 01/05/2019 14:09

Hang on a minute, I've said that I would normally tell a friend what I'd seen in this situation, but that the additional information I have about their relationship has muddied the waters for me, morally. I certainly don't think it's ok for a man to shag around behind his wife's back if she hasn't specifically said that she's ok with him going elsewhere. If anything, the fact that she isn't well makes potential infidelity worse.

She's very vulnerable with her mental health and I don't know if this situation is something she could handle. But at the same time, as pp have said, I have the information now and I can't pretend otherwise.

OP posts:
TheGoodEnoughWife · 01/05/2019 14:09

The information about their sex is not relevant in any way as that would still involve the OP making decisions about this persons life on their behalf. And without their knowledge. Am sure this person can make their own decisions and should be allowed to do so.

vivariumvivariumsvivaria · 01/05/2019 14:11

I told my friend's H that I'd seen him with someone else.

And, that if I had seen them then they weren't being nearly discrete enough, and they had no way of knowing who else had seen them.

And, that I really objected to being in the situation of knowing that he was fucking about - it's not my business and I don't want to be involved.

Told him to sort his shit out and either learn how to do it properly or give up because he was rubbish at adultery.

No idea what the outcome was, I have never asked him.

Twat.

downcasteyes · 01/05/2019 14:13

I genuinely don't know, OP. But I do feel sorry for you with this horrible dilemma.

I don't think either course would necessarily be right or wrong. I think I would be tempted to speak to him and ask him if he'd mind you telling his wife. If he says "God no!" then you know there is no arrangement in place and at least some of your reasons for not telling her are removed. If he says "I'd prefer it if you didn't bring it up, but we do have an arrangement to look the other way" then you still have to assess whether you believe him or not.

DaffoDeffo · 01/05/2019 14:13

Keep quiet

I saw a friend of mine's husband on a dating app I was on (I am single). Stupidly I didn't screenshot it.

I, privately, spoke to her best friend about it (who knows me well) who told me I was completely wrong, they were the happiest couple she knew, I must have been mistaken etc. etc. It was probably a fraction of the reaction his wife would have had.

Unless you can prove it, I would leave it though if you know him, I would be tempted to have a word. I always thought if I bumped into her H I would have said something but I never did.

Original poster
PinkGrapefruitFanta · 01/05/2019 14:14

There are strong opinions on both sides, it seems, and equally compelling arguments for both. What a mess, I so wish I hadn't seen anything.

A hypothetical question is a good idea but not sure how to even introduce the topic without being all obvious about it!

OP posts:
needsahouseboy · 01/05/2019 14:15

This is going to be an unpopular opinion but it doesn't sound much like a marriage and it sounds like he is trapped in it. I'm not sure I could stay in sexless marriage with someone that is solely dependent on me for whatever reason. Support them yes but not sure I could stay married and if he has had years of supporting someone with physical and mental health problems then I expect he is stressed and at times feels as if he is not getting much out of the marriage and like her, needs some support. This might be how they stay together, he has someone else and doesn't leave her.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 01/05/2019 14:16

dont tell her- its best to stay out of these things at the best of times but given you friends additional issues dont be the one to add further issues to her plate.

timeisnotaline · 01/05/2019 14:18

No don’t tell her! I’m usually 100% team she deserves to know but that’s quite a backstory. You could do far more harm than good.

Iwantacookie · 01/05/2019 14:22

Have you not got a mutual friend in common with her that you could ask how to tell her?
She deserves to know and what she does with that information is up to her.

Antonin · 01/05/2019 14:22

I agree with Viva. Once you tell your friend you set in motion a series of events the consequences of which you do not have to bear.
Your friend may be as happy as she feels she can expect given the situation and be turning a blind eye to her H’s playing away. When she says he is very good about no sex she may just mean he does not press her for sex or subject her to recriminations. Your friend may feel humiliated if she knows you know and feel she needs to do something about it.
As she’s not in a position to LTB then what is the point of her knowing. If he has chosen to stay with her, to support her financially and emotionally despite her being able to engage in sexual relations then perhaps he isn’t such a bad guy at all. Who are we to judge?

deydododatdodontdeydo · 01/05/2019 14:24

Let her know anonymously or not at all.
You likely will lose your friend if you tell her - the messenger does get shot!

loveyoutothemoon · 01/05/2019 14:26

Absolutely tell her.

Aquamarine1029 · 01/05/2019 14:28

Another aspect to this is that you say it was "definitely" him, but you very well could be wrong.

Some years ago, I got to work one Monday morning and a co-worker I was always very friendly with was clearly upset with me. I asked her what was wrong and she said she was very hurt that I didn't respond to her when she saw me at some shops Saturday evening. She said she called my name, I looked at her and didn't even say hello or smile. She then said I hurried away as if I didn't even want to be seen with her.

I was gobsmacked because whoever she saw WASN'T ME. I wasn't anywhere near that location, which I was able to prove to her. She said she was positive it was me at the time. Not a single doubt in her mind.

It's bizarre, but it does happen. You could be wrong.

Asta19 · 01/05/2019 14:29

A hypothetical question is a good idea but not sure how to even introduce the topic without being all obvious about it

I've not been in your situation but I do go on MN a fair bit. I was having a drink with a friend one night and I mentioned a thread I'd read like yours, and how I was shocked so many people were saying "stay out of it". This then led to a discussion on how we feel personally. Turns out I would want to know if it was my partner and she wouldn't! But we are both single, it was just a general chat.

Can you say you read something somewhere like that, and introduce the hypothetical that way?

NorthernRunner · 01/05/2019 14:32

I probably wouldn’t say anything either, although I would be distraught and feel completely rotten about it. But considering the circumstances and that your friend is very vulnerable, it doesn’t feel like telling her would help anyone.
I’m sorry you have this information, ignorance as they say, is bliss

Elephantbiscuit · 01/05/2019 14:32

Firstly, she is completely dependent on her husband. She has long-standing physical and mental health issues, and she doesn't work or claim any benefits, so she's not able to cope financially without him

Tell her. There may be an agreement that he can sleep with other people but there may not be and if he falls in love with the OW and decides to leave her then she will by not only be hurt but in a difficult situation financially. A bit of prewarning of the possibility of him leaving her may mean she has a bit of a chance to work out what she would do if that was the case and what benefits she would be entitled to without him. Yes her situation is difficult but I have both mental and physical health issues so I know that its possible to live on benefits and despite the hurt finding these things out I know I would want to know if that was me.

Original poster
PinkGrapefruitFanta · 01/05/2019 14:36

I've done some maths and the "stay out of it" camp is winning by a narrow margin at the moment.

Yes, I'm as close to 100% sure as I can be that it was him. He has a very distinctive look, and I saw him face-on when they broke off the kiss.

Presenting it to her as an ethical dilemma might work, if I can get the conversation going in that direction.

I'm going to name-change back in a minute but I have read all the replies and I'm grateful for all the different perspectives. I will continue to read but I may not respond any more!

OP posts:
user1486131602 · 01/05/2019 14:42

I have been in this position twice. Both times I told my friend.
I wouldn't do it again, you're not thanked for it.
Just keep quiet and mind your own business. Be there for your friend if she needs you x

PotatoesDieInHotCars · 01/05/2019 14:42

Normally I'd be all for telling, but from what you've said about your friend's situation there will be no positive outcome for her if she's that reliant on him. She'll either be stuck in her marriage knowing he has betrayed her, or leave/kick him out and have to find other ways of coping with her illnesses and no money. It all sounds horrible.

Pinkmonkeybird · 01/05/2019 14:42

I'd tell her for sure if she was a very good friend, if she's an acquaintance, then I wouldn't get involved. If I were in her position I would want to know. Having been cheated on myself, if my best friend had known at the time, she would have told me.

CallMeRachel · 01/05/2019 14:44

Given her very vulnerable position and her being completely reliant on him I wouldn't tell her at all.

What good can possibly come from telling her?

She'll feel embarrassed and shit and not be in a position to change her life by the sounds of it.

It also sounds like he's found a solution to the problem of being married to someone vulnerable and reliant on him without sex too.

This sounds complex so definitely don't mention it to anyone.

hadenoughofthisrollercoaster · 01/05/2019 14:45

A friend should tell the truth; it would feel awful not knowing.

WeepingWillowWeepingWino · 01/05/2019 14:46

might feel a whole lot more awful knowing, given that she's dependant on him and thus can do pretty much nothing about it.

Ginlinessisnexttogodliness · 01/05/2019 14:47

Imagine it was you OP. It’s either a case of you having an arrangement due to your health and other factors. The worst that someone telling you what they saw will be that somebody saw and you either tell them there is an arrangement or there isn’t.
Or the other option is that there is no arrangement and your husband is actually cheating on you.

If it were I, then I couldn’t stand to think of one of my friends sitting on something like this, even if I did have an arrangement in place.

Do what you think is the right thing for your friend not the best thing for you.