Caught my friend's DH cheating

[PinkGrapefruitFanta]

Name changed for this.

I have a good friend who I've known for several years. She's been married for about 20 years. I don't know her husband very well, but have always got on fine with him.

Well, I've just seen him quite near to where I work, and he was kissing another woman who was not his wife. It was definitely him and it was definitely a proper snog, not just a friendly peck on the cheek.

My loyalty is to my friend and normally I wouldn't be hesitating over telling her, but there are some complications in this case. Firstly, she is completely dependent on her husband. She has long-standing physical and mental health issues, and she doesn't work or claim any benefits, so she's not able to cope financially without him. The other problem is that she told me a while back that she has no sex drive at all because of all her health problems, and she and her husband haven't slept together for years. She says he has been "very good" about it and is never pushy. I'm wondering now if they have some kind of "don't ask, don't tell" arrangement whereby he can look elsewhere but she doesn't want to know about it, in which case my news wouldn't be welcome. Or maybe she knows about it and isn't bothered at all!

I suppose the best case scenario is that I tell her, she says "yes, I know", and things are a bit embarrassing for us both. But there are some considerably less desirable outcomes too - what if she's devastated but doesn't have the means to leave him? She might even decide that it's not in her interests to believe me, and I'll lose her as a friend.

WWYD?? At the moment I have no idea at all...

I wouldn't say anything

Meandwine but I never used the word "caring" in my OP or in any subsequent posts. I said she had health issues and that she was financially dependent on him. Other people have put different interpretations on that, and I can understand how, but over the last few posts the tone has become distinctly nasty towards her, hence I'm correcting some of the misconceptions.

I don’t think the tone has become nasty against her at all. I think most people are rightly worried about her dependence (perceived or otherwise) on him and how she might cope in life without him.

But if she is fully functioning and independent and believes herself to be in an otherwise happy relationship with someone who seems to be ok with the no sex issue. Then she’s been spun a bit of a lie by him.

In that case I would probably think about telling her. I think most people thought it was a bad idea based on her mental and physical disabilities.

I've been in this situation almost exactly - no mental health problems for the wife but she had long term, ongoing and deteriorating health problems.

I'm happy I said nothing.

She knows she's in a dead end relationship and dependent on him for money - yet chooses to stay with him.
Knowing about his affair might just be the kick she needs to start being independent.....

Don't say anything OP. I have seen the fallout over stuff like this. Your friend has too much to lose and in a panic/shame she will turn on you. What if he denies it and accuses you of being a jealous busybody who is vindictive that he pays his wife's lifestyle? Is she going to believe you over the man she loves and depends on? maybe deep down but not on surface level; she has far too much to lose. I have seen independent women lose their shit when told about their cheating spouses. A lot of women apart from on mumsnet do not like being told, esp by friends. They feel shame and judged and will drop you like hot cake so they don't have to deal with chucking him out. Add mental health problems FORGET IT. Do not get involved at all. Trick your mind you were not sure it was him and leave it alone. She's too dependent on him it would be like cutting her arm off. One person will be dropped and it won't be him.

To add: I would be so PETRIFIED depending on a man like this. I know it sounds terrible but depending on a man for essential survival is bonkers. I know she's ill but if you want to help her help get more independent. Men are nice people just like women but to rely on them for everything is nerve inducing. They walk away so often have affairs leave children behind so frequently it's just a really bad idea to give one holding all the cards for survival

If you don't tell her you're siding with him. I'd be furious if you were my friend and didn't mention anything.

I would tell her. If only because if he's planning to leave it will blindside her.

I think it's ridiculous that people call their relationship 'dead end'. If one person is sick and can't have sex, that doesn't mean the relationship is dead. I wouldn't leave my husband over that. It's sad that so many people seem to feel it's justified.

she has no sex drive at all because of all her health problems, and she and her husband haven't slept together for years.

Years of no sex is probably why he's having an affair and he's not pushing her because he's getting it elsewhere.

Your opening post made it sound like she was unable to work because of her mental health issues and physical health issues.

Again...it doesn't sound like much fun with a wife who is financially dependent on you, has mental health issues, physical health issues and hasn't had sex with you for years.

He might just be putting on a front when they socialise and making the best of a crap situation. A divorce would cost him a lot...so he just goes with the flow and gets his needs met elsewhere.

I don't normally condone affairs at all...but this isn't a marriage I'd be happy in if I was him.

OP, given your friends on going physical and mental issues, I'd keep my mouth shut.

He seems to be giving her the support she needs. It's clear they're not having sex as a result of her illness, let them be.

If you tear them apart, will you move in with her to provide the support he is currently giving? If her mental health worsened and she's sectioned/ detained in secure hospital, what would the impact be on her family?

Keep your mouth shut!

If you haven’t been in this situation it’s so easy to say you would or wouldn’t say.OP im so sorry you witnessed this horrible situation.I feel most sorry for you at the moment.
Only you can decide on what’s best as you know your friend.
Wish you well.

One thing need to say we had a long time ago a great friend unfortunately she had cancer and found out her husband of so many years was cheating
This was a loving hard working man who supported his wife fully.
She was told he left it was a disaster her grieving was so much so she couldn’t concentrate on her own health.one thing she told us when we saw her was she wished she had not been told
She passed months later

You are far too involved, OP. Do not say anything to either your friend or her husband - their relationship is really none of your business.

Oh OP, it is not a nice situation to be in. However I strongly think that you say nothing. By saying something actions then have to be taken and like you say, there is no outcome where your friend ends up in a better position.

I have the information now and I can't pretend otherwise.

Of course you can. As someone else said, by telling her, you would set in motion an awful series of events that SHE has to deal with, not you. Pretending isn't a big deal, compared with what effects this could have on her mental health issues.

So, the lady in question is not physically disabled and enjoys a social life and holidays with her DH. She has MH issues. Health issues have led to her lack of sex drive. She is not dependent on her DH for help with physical care. She just doesn't work so relies on him financially.

Her husband was seen snogging someone else in a public space.

There are plenty of MNers who have said they don't have sex with their partners. Would they not want to know if their partners were cheating on them?

Just because someone has MH issues or is financially dependent on a partner does not mean they would not want to know that they are being cheated on.

Mental ill health does not mean you should be treated differently per se. There are degrees of mental ill health. If she is able to have a social life and look after herself she is clearly not severely mentally unwell and therefore not extremely vulnerable.

Would it be preferable for her to find out later by one other means (such as DH falling in love and decidng to leave her) and realise the life she thought she was living was a lie?

If ever she realised her friend knew and didn't tell her, that would be a total betrayal and cause the loss of a friendship.

OP - forget the health problems. They are colouring the issue. Would you want this friend to tell you if she knew your partner was cheating on you?

I believe I would want to be told whatever my circumstances but then truth is very important to me.

I'm in the 'don't tell' camp.
I found out one of my best friend's husband was having an affair (he told me himself so there was no doubt). I told him he had to tell her otherwise I would have to.
He told her eventually - and she was and still is devastated, she wishes he hadn't told her and they could just have carried on with her in blissful ignorance.
She's been left devastated, her life in ruins and constantly says "I wish he'd just never said anything and got on with his dalliances discreetly". I feel so bad.

It reminds me of an older female friend I once had who'd been married for 20 yrs or so with two teenage girls who told me that she had told her husband "if you ever have an affair just don't do the honourable thing and feel you have to confess". They are now in their 70s and still happily together.

I really wouldn't tell OP - you said you were adding up how many "don't tells" v."do tells" - I'm pretty sure there are more "don't tells".