Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Caught my friend's DH cheating

119 replies

PinkGrapefruitFanta · 01/05/2019 13:40

Name changed for this.

I have a good friend who I've known for several years. She's been married for about 20 years. I don't know her husband very well, but have always got on fine with him.

Well, I've just seen him quite near to where I work, and he was kissing another woman who was not his wife. It was definitely him and it was definitely a proper snog, not just a friendly peck on the cheek.

My loyalty is to my friend and normally I wouldn't be hesitating over telling her, but there are some complications in this case. Firstly, she is completely dependent on her husband. She has long-standing physical and mental health issues, and she doesn't work or claim any benefits, so she's not able to cope financially without him. The other problem is that she told me a while back that she has no sex drive at all because of all her health problems, and she and her husband haven't slept together for years. She says he has been "very good" about it and is never pushy. I'm wondering now if they have some kind of "don't ask, don't tell" arrangement whereby he can look elsewhere but she doesn't want to know about it, in which case my news wouldn't be welcome. Or maybe she knows about it and isn't bothered at all!

I suppose the best case scenario is that I tell her, she says "yes, I know", and things are a bit embarrassing for us both. But there are some considerably less desirable outcomes too - what if she's devastated but doesn't have the means to leave him? She might even decide that it's not in her interests to believe me, and I'll lose her as a friend.

WWYD?? At the moment I have no idea at all...

OP posts:
Mademybed123 · 01/05/2019 14:47

I wouldn't tell her.

He's cheating yes, but the alternative may be the marriage ending and your friend ending up in a situation far worse

Stay out of it.

CallMeRachel · 01/05/2019 14:48

A friend should tell the truth; it would feel awful not knowing.

If only life was that simple.

A good friend would weigh up the situation and do the best thing for her friend, not seek righteous indignation by blindly 'doing the right thing'.

WeepingWillowWeepingWino · 01/05/2019 14:50

I'd like to hear what all the people advocating telling the friend this think she should then do with this information. Throw him out? Leave herself?

Sarcelle · 01/05/2019 14:55

Say nothing.

beenwhereyouare · 01/05/2019 15:26

Once she knows she'll have to deal with the information.

WeepingWillowWeepingWino · 01/05/2019 15:27

how?

downcasteyes · 01/05/2019 15:30

"I'd like to hear what all the people advocating telling the friend this think she should then do with this information. Throw him out? Leave herself?"

Isn't that her decision, at the end of the day?

There appears to be a confusion between action and knowledge here. The deed is DONE. It has happened. The betrayal, if betrayal it is, is over and done with. Not knowing about it does not magically make it unhappen.

WeepingWillowWeepingWino · 01/05/2019 15:34

so, you don't have an answer as to what you think a woman who, for reasons of her poor health and who is dependant on her husband, should do with this information?

downcasteyes · 01/05/2019 15:50

I have been dependent on my DH because of ill health and I would still have wanted to know in that position. I would ALWAYS want to know. Whatever actions I then took would be up to me. Being ill and financially dependent doesn't mean that you have no dignity and no options.

But I am just one person and I am sure others would differ, I am sure.

InTheHeatofLisbon · 01/05/2019 15:56

I think it entirely depends on her MH if I'm honest.

Someone in a MH would find that information really difficult to deal with, and may even harm their MH more.

If her MH is being managed to a point where she would be able to cope with it I think I'd be for telling her.

As you said OP, her physical and mental health makes it less clear cut, and I'm with you on that. It entirely depends on what she'd be able to cope with for me.

I'd usually be in the "just tell her" camp fwiw.

InTheHeatofLisbon · 01/05/2019 15:57

In a MH crisis that was supposed to say.

bibbidybob · 01/05/2019 15:58

If she was a close friend I would tell her.

DeadWife · 01/05/2019 16:12

This dilemma comes up frequently on MN and people are always divided as whether to tell or not.

I often fall into the "tell" camp too.

In this case though I feel she's hinted to you that they have a tacit understanding of sorts when it comes to sex (or lack of) so based on that alone I wouldn't go there.

DontCallMeShitley · 01/05/2019 16:14

I wouldn't want to be told.

In a situation where you rely on someone to look after you and are unable to have sex, it would be torture to know about this, impossible to do anything about it because you need the care and cruel to be told under those circumstances.

As long as the man is caring and loving to his wife I would keep quiet about it, no good would come of telling her. She may well have figured it out for herself and is not wanting to admit it.

NameChangeNugget · 01/05/2019 16:17

I wouldn’t say anything

EvaHarknessRose · 01/05/2019 16:32

I don't think I would.

Musti · 01/05/2019 16:34

Normally I'd say to tell her but in this case I wouldn't. If I were to do anything, it would be to speak to the husband.

NunoGoncalves · 01/05/2019 16:54

If they have an arrangement then she won't mind being told, will she?

God, I hope my friends would tell me, regardless of the circumstances.

OldAndWornOut · 01/05/2019 17:08

It depends on how fragile her mental health is, for me.
I think I'd err on the side of caution.

fairislecable · 01/05/2019 17:17

I was in a different city visiting a relative and whilst I was a little early I went into a cafe near the University, when I walked to the back looking for a vacant table I saw the DH of a neighbour in very close conversation. With a much younger woman.

I was very shaken and immediately left feeling embarrassed and not wanting to be seen.

If I was in that situation again I would go into the cafe and say hello to the guy - the situation is of his making and he is the one who should feel embarrassed not me.

Closetbeanmuncher · 01/05/2019 17:30

Well we know the reason "he's being really good about it" don't we!

If it was me I would want the information to be able to make an informed decision and have time to manovoure myself into a better position to leave.

Personally if a friend kept this from me I wouldn't be able to trust them again.

JaneJeffer · 01/05/2019 17:33

I wouldn't say anything. It'll just upset her and she has enough problems already.

MsDogLady · 01/05/2019 17:50

I would want to know. Therefore, I would tell her. I wouldn’t treat her like an object of pity who cannot handle the truth.

He is making a fool of her in public, treating her with utter disregard.

They may have an agreement. They may not. I guarantee, however, that she has not agreed for him to passionately kiss another woman in public.

She has the right to know about this, just as anyone would. She can then make her own decisions about her life and marriage.

Robin2323 · 01/05/2019 19:29

Don't tell
I once saw this man with a woman who wasn't his wife.
Turns it wasn't the husband either.
So easy mistaken identity.

KnifeAngel · 01/05/2019 19:53

I would definitely tell her she deserves to know.