Caught my friend's DH cheating

[PinkGrapefruitFanta]

Name changed for this.

I have a good friend who I've known for several years. She's been married for about 20 years. I don't know her husband very well, but have always got on fine with him.

Well, I've just seen him quite near to where I work, and he was kissing another woman who was not his wife. It was definitely him and it was definitely a proper snog, not just a friendly peck on the cheek.

My loyalty is to my friend and normally I wouldn't be hesitating over telling her, but there are some complications in this case. Firstly, she is completely dependent on her husband. She has long-standing physical and mental health issues, and she doesn't work or claim any benefits, so she's not able to cope financially without him. The other problem is that she told me a while back that she has no sex drive at all because of all her health problems, and she and her husband haven't slept together for years. She says he has been "very good" about it and is never pushy. I'm wondering now if they have some kind of "don't ask, don't tell" arrangement whereby he can look elsewhere but she doesn't want to know about it, in which case my news wouldn't be welcome. Or maybe she knows about it and isn't bothered at all!

I suppose the best case scenario is that I tell her, she says "yes, I know", and things are a bit embarrassing for us both. But there are some considerably less desirable outcomes too - what if she's devastated but doesn't have the means to leave him? She might even decide that it's not in her interests to believe me, and I'll lose her as a friend.

WWYD?? At the moment I have no idea at all...

Too many busy bodies in this world. You’d be putting a dynamite stick in between thier relationship and then running off. Not your circus.

This is a hard one,id want to know if i were her ,i would tell any friend of mine as its what friends do if they care about u but on the other side if they broke up id feel like it was my fault so either way your going to feel bad.

I’d tell her. If he have ‘an arrangement’ she can have a word with him and tell him to be more discreet. If she doesn’t know, then at least she has all the facts about her own life to make her own decisions, rather than well-meaning friends making decisions for her about what she needs to know.

I have to say I agree with a PP. If her marriage is as she described, it doesn’t sound like a very fulfilling relationship for her husband. Not that that excuses his deception.

Say nothing to her. He is living in a sexless marriage with apparently a very dependent spouse. It's not what he signed up for, either.

I would tell him he'd been seen and to be more discreet.

So you tell her and she gets upset and you comfort her and then you go back to your own home. Where is she left? Does she have a good family support network? Has she got a good network of friends that will take over the role that he has been performing? Is she medicated ? Is there an active treatment plan ? Has she suffered from depression previously? How would she cope on her own on a daily basis either knowing that she has been betrayed and can’t do anything about it or because she has “ kicked him out “. It will be fine for you.... you can congratulate on doing the “ right” thing but will only really be on the periphery of any subsequent fall out and decline in her mental health or well being. I know it’s a tough, tough call and she subsequently may decide that she would have wanted to know but there are very valid reasons for not wanting to burden her further.

I'm not saying this is the right thing to do but I would set up a new email address and message him telling him what I had seen.

I would then state that he should tell his DW what was going on by a certain deadline or I would.

Life is too fucking short to put up with cheaters. And if anybody I knew protected somebody who was cheating on me or anyone I love I would never, ever fucking forgive them. You might want to think about that Divebar You're talking absolute shite. You certainly didn't write that shite. Who did?

I’ve been the wife. My friend told him he had 3 days to tell me then she would. He told me and I kicked him out.

I am totally clear my friend did the right thing. If she had not ensured I knew she would have been colluding, and lying to me too, and I would have lost her friendship. She made sure I had the information I needed to make an informed choice. I would have hated a friend to cover up the fact I was being betrayed.

I think you should tell your friend.

Tell him that if he doesn’t tell her then you will. He’s got a week or your do it.

And then tell her.

I’d want to know.

What do you think this poor husband should do - spend his whole life as a celibate monk while being the carer for a physically and mentally unwell wife who doesn’t ever want sex?
It sounds like he’s doing a good job of caring for her, financing her, and supporting her mental health, while meeting his sexual needs elsewhere.
Whether you like it or not, this situation is apparently working ok, and the wife is happy not knowing.
What entitles you to throw a bomb into their marriage?
You would be making two people desperately unhappy and possibly precipitating a divorce, triggering a mental health relapse as well.
I would say nothing, unless it was just a quiet word to the husband that he needs to be more careful.

People seem to be quite angry with me for some reason. I haven't done anything yet, please stop either implying that I'm a shitty friend for not immediately telling her, or that I'm actually taking some perverse pleasure in having this information and that I'm planning to destroy my friend's life for shits and giggles. Divebar you in particular are way out of line. Why do you assume that I would just drop this on her and then do a runner and not offer any support? You've made me feel considerably worse about the whole thing.

I wish I had never seen what I saw. I still have no idea what to do, tbh. I really am bowing out now, thanks again to everyone who has been constructive. I didn't expect opinion to be so firmly divided between "I'd want to know" and "don't get involved".

Based on her dependency on him.

Her mental health
Her physical health and bo sex life.... I'd say nothing.

This marriage can't be fun for him at all.

She can't expect celibacy from him and it doesn't sound like her desire for intimacy is going to change anytime soon.

I'd feel incredibly sad if a son (or daughter) of mine was in this kind of marriage or relationship... it sounds depressing.

I wish I had never seen what I saw. I still have no idea what to do, tbh

You cannot undo what you have seen but perhaps on balance best to do nothing which is what you would have done if you hadn't seen this incident anyway.

Its an awful situation for both of them perhaps the woman knows but choses to ignore or put up with it. Perhaps she does not and then what wouldnt that cause her further misery?

If they were to split who would she have then?

Leave them alone. I think that no real good will come from you interfering.

Op I don’t think this is easy at all. I would want to tell a friend because I think that’s what you do but without knowing the extent of her mental health condition can’t say in confidence that she would be robust enough to manage. Of course you will have a much greater sense of what her specific issues are. I’m not sure that any single friend would be able to support a friend sufficiently which is why I queried whether there was a network of other family or friends who could also step in and help should your friend need that. Clearly I did a very poor job of expressing myself so I apologise.

I would tell her. I would want to know and would never forgive a friend if they knew and kept it from me.

I think I’d want to know more so if I was dependant on my husband in case he might be planning to do a midnight flit with someone/empty bank accounts etc. I want the chance to prepare myself rather than be blindsided.

That being said I appreciate it’s not that easy.

Could you, as a PP suggested, bring up a conversation with your friend asking if she’d want to know if her husband was having an affair? Say you saw it on a soap/read in a book/whatever. That might give you more of an idea of what your friend would like in the circumstances.

I agree with Sandy, I wouldn't say anything. She's sounds like she has far too much going on already without a grenade being thrown in.

So depressing for all of them. Agree with previous posters that both are stuck, not just her. And he may be being incredibly kind. A person who is needed but not reciprocally loved and can’t leave needs affection too. Your friend’s situation is very sad but his is as well.

I think regardless of not knowing him that well, he will know you know his wife-which gives you “standing” to approach him- so talk to him. Say (and maybe given the complexities, quite kindly) that you saw him and if it had been someone else seeing him his wife’s mental state would be at risk. Ask is there an arrangement because as a friend of hers you want to look after her, and he will know that normal friend loyalties mean telling her- but you don’t want to throw a bomb under her him or the marriage by interfering.
Make it clear that his public affection has put you and potentially others, and definitely his wife, in a really awkward situation. He didn’t see you. He doesn’t know you well. Who else could see? What if it’s someone who doesn’t know his wife’s mental vulnerabilities and wants to go on a warpath (this thread shows the depth of feeling)?

You know, if there isn’t an explicit arrangement, the shock of your approach to him may make him reassess the risks to a woman he loves (your friend) of his “solution” to his marriage- and either be more discreet (I have sympathy with this given what he does to look after your friend- only because you haven’t suggested her mental problems are linked to him, though) or work out what he wants to do.

There is a chance that he’s spiteful or scared and starts trying to discredit you- in which case I would do this (bit weird) thing:

1. Set up an email account
2. Cut and paste and Email this dilemma to it of today’s date. Don’t open email when it comes in.
3. Email again on the day you have your meeting with him- both before and after - describing what you are about to do and then what happened in the meeting. Don’t open those emails either.

If at any point this explodes in your face and her husband tries to say how awful you are, you can give her the password to this account and prove from the dates in it that your knowledge preceded his sudden meanness towards you.

She’ll also see this piece of advice on the thread that way, so she’ll understand why you did such a convoluted thing- out of love and concern for her, and respect for her privacy and the future of her marriage.

Good luck- always a hard thing to see.

Telling her can only harm her, it may cause her distress and embarrassment while she's in a situation that she can't remove herself from.

Her husband obviously loves her given that he's prepared to support her in a situation that most people would leave. If an affair allows him to continue providing that companionship and support then it works for both of them. There's no reason to interfere. This is their life, leave them to it. It's not about you.

Hmm. Given that they aren't having any sex, what did she expect to eventually happen? Just because she has health issues, this doesn't mean his dick shriveled up and died. I will never understand one person withdrawing sex, and then just expecting their spouse to live a celibate life, that they didn't ask for. It's ridiculous. I would expect given the dynamic (he earns, she doesn't) that he will be gearing up to leave. As would I, in those circs. Keep this to yourself Op.

I would expect given the dynamic (he earns, she doesn't) that he will be gearing up to leave. As would I, in those circs. Keep this to yourself Op.

What?! So her friend just gets blindsided when her husband ups and leaves? Surely if you suspected that might be his plan that’s all the more reason to warn her friend?

I’m glad you lot aren’t my friends and my friends actually have my back!

What a horrible position for you to be in OP. Ultimately you must go with your gut. Personally I think I would speak to the husband and give him the opportunity to tell his wife.

I would 100% leave it. She may well have an idea, but would rather not know.
There are lots of outcomes and none of them are good. I do also feel sorry for him caring for a physically and mentally unwell person and having to give up a huge chunk of the good parts of life to care for her. But he’s stayed and he is caring for her.
If you say something the consequences may well be catastrophic for her.
Also don’t tell anyone in RL
Just lock it away. I know it sounds cruel, but I think it’s the best option given the circumstances. Especially the mental health implications

Op. Your loyalty lies to your friend not her dh.
I am similar to your friend only I do work. However, she would be entitled to benefit and it would make her mental health worse knowing you knew and didn't tell her.

OK - I've come back kind of against my better judgement because some really unfair assumptions have been made about my friend and I want to set the record straight. I realise I was vague in my OP but I was trying to protect her identity because, you know, I am actually quite a good friend and my only purpose in starting this thread was to try to work out what to do for her sake. It's not about what's best for me and it never has been.

My friend did not unilaterally make a decision to withhold sex from her husband. Perhaps some if you missed the bit in my OP where I mentioned that she had physical health issues as well as mental health ones. She hasn't just "decided" to be celibate and as I said, I actually have no clue what she "expects" her husband to do about it. For all I know, he told her he was completely happy to stay with her and not have sex, but is now sneaking around behind her back, which would obviously make this news devastating to her.

He is not providing any care in the sense of helping her with dressing, toileting etc because she doesn't have any physical disabilities and can manage by herself. He hasn't been stopped from having outside interests and in fact he has lots of hobbies that he does on his own or with other friends.

And, actually, they seem to have a decent social life together. They go on holiday and to concerts and so on, and when you see them together they're affectionate and easy with each other. She hasn't trapped him in some miserable, fun-free existence.

Sorry to go on. But the "poor saintly put-upon man being drained by his unreasonable wife" narrative some pp have come up with was really upsetting me. Perhaps that's on me for being vague but some of this stuff has just bern plucked out of the air!

On balance, I think I have to at least scope out the situation and see if I can get an idea of whether there's an "arrangement". This guy would surely not be snogging someone so publicly if he was worried about somebody seeing and reporting bacj to his wife?

Yes you were a bit vague! If you say someone is caring for someone who is physically and mentally unwell then people are going to judge this situation very differently from a couple who are seemingly happy!

Their marriage has been sexless for years, he's not putting her health at risk by getting that elsewhere. On some level, she knows he's not pestering her for sex for a reason, if she wanted to know, she does or would.

Tell him to be more discreet but meddling in their marriage isn't going to benefit her. Either she already knows and is going to be embarrassed that you know, or she doesn't want to know and you telling her is going to upset her and make her feel insecure. He provides her financial security and companionship , you can't make up for that so don't set in motion a chain of events that may cause her to lose it.