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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband sulking if i ask for help with DC

328 replies

CyclingMumKingston · 28/04/2019 15:38

My husband rolls his eyes and sighs loudly if i ask him to help, but luckily he still helps

Yesterday he was in the shower at 7pm after coming from his bike ride and toddler was crying for food

So i told DH that dinner was ready and if he could please take it out of the oven and put it in our toddler's plate as i was breastfeeding our newborn

I cant open the oven with a newborn latched on (baby is very colicky and when he latches on it s often after an hour of crying his heart out)

If i ask DH why is he sulking, he says that I am only asking him to help because i am just jealous of him having a moment for himself (bike ride + shower)

He works 5 days a week and would like to relax a bit. I m on maternity leave this year.

AIBU?

OP posts:
jamaisjedors · 28/04/2019 19:28

Nip that bloody sulking in the bud now if you can (am the OP of 2 very long threads about a sulking H)!

Just go and see him and say that sulking and being cold when you ask him to do something is not acceptable adult behaviour. (wish I had done this 12 years ago!).

That you need to have a serious conversation about who does what because you are feeling at the end of your tether.

Good luck.

BTW while he's sulking and being cold - what is he getting out of it ? More relaxation/alone time - win win for him!

brambee · 28/04/2019 20:07

I am so sorry OP. Please listen to what some of the other posters are saying. My exh was just like this. When our children were small he used to moan and sulk about looking after them on a Saturday morning so that I could go to work! Apparently because he worked all week (and I didn't, because I was just looking after 2 small children overseas with no family support) I had loads of time to myself. Then on Sunday he would go cycling for over 3 hours and then come back and be vile all afternoon 'because he was tired'. I pretended it was OK. It wasn't.

SometimesIGetNervous · 28/04/2019 20:10

Let him crack on with being offended. Maybe you could be furious and offended at him being unwilling to parent his own children.

AnneElliott · 28/04/2019 20:25

He's an arse - and agree with everyone else about it's normally cyclists that feel the need to do this.

My cousin's husband does this too. He did a race abroad when their child was about a week old.

WineGummyBear · 28/04/2019 20:28

Yep need a Venn diagram.

DH is a cyclist and occupies that place in the circles whereby he loves biking and also 100% understands that the DC are a shared responsibility.

Original poster
CyclingMumKingston · 28/04/2019 21:24

Thanks to all the posters
Great advice
I was out doing some gardening to get space. Then walked the dog to clear my head. Husband hasn't made eye contact all day and now is watching TV and has closed the door of the living room (he never does that)
Tempted to go in and confront his sulking directly.. or just ignore?
@Jamaisjedors i have seen you are leaving DH. And he sounds so similar to mine, from reading your thread
I really struggle to address sulking as it is so covert and DH usually denies he is being cold

OP posts:
Mintandthyme · 28/04/2019 21:33

I would go in and look him squarely in the eyes and have that conversation

DartmoorDoughnut · 28/04/2019 21:36

@CyclingMumKingston go hoover that room, if he wants to be a PA twat then up the ante

Aozora13 · 28/04/2019 21:43

Good grief, he’s still sulking? That man is dedicated. I’d probably just ignore him til he gets bored. I wouldn’t cook him any tea though.

I’m currently on mat leave with DC2 but previously worked full time and can say that it’s 100% possible to work a demanding job and then engage in a spot of light parenting in the evenings and weekends. It’s also extremely tiring and enervating looking after small children 24/7 and that’s with my DH sharing the load. Good luck!

funnylittlefloozie · 28/04/2019 21:45

How do these inadequate little 'men' justify it to themselves? What on earth do single men do, who don't have caring wives to do their cooking, washing and cleaning?

lunicorn · 28/04/2019 23:25

When you're old and the kids have left home, will you look back and be proud and content to be with this man?

Shefliesonherownwings · 29/04/2019 10:23

Wow, what an arse. I would go into the living room, and tell him you need to have a serious conversation about roles and parenting. I don't understand how on earth he can get upset about looking after his children. For gods sake if the child is crying for it's dinner, he needs to sort it out. I am absolutely amazed by this attitude.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 29/04/2019 10:48

CyclingMumKingston

Your H is a nasty piece of work and now he has taken to sulking (itself a form of emotional abuse) as well. To my mind sulking is a form of control.

I would seriously consider whether remaining married to this individual is actually worth it.

Original poster
CyclingMumKingston · 29/04/2019 23:23

I went in to discuss. Shockingly he said i am sly and jealous of his me time and went to sleep earlier and looking super upset.
I am baffled. Wow. I cant see myself being happy with him. He doesn't do discussing or clarifying. Basically it s his way and he stands up and leaves if he doesnt suit him. I am speechless at the realization of his attitude (before i always thought it s something in me. Maybe the way i speak. Or the things I do. Or i cant communicate)

OP posts:
Butterymuffin · 29/04/2019 23:41

It's not you. It's him. He thinks he's entitled to a better life than you! Jealous - I would want to say 'Of course I am, you have lots of me time and I don't! Do you think you deserve it more? That's going to change'.

Flamingnora123 · 29/04/2019 23:50

I thought maternity leave was designed for mothers to recover, bond with and raise their new person? Is it actually so men can become Victorian husbands and treat their women like slaves?

Nc1548 · 29/04/2019 23:57

Maybe he needs to think how much "me time" he will get if you split up and he has to do his own cooking, washing, tidying up, cleaning and looking after the DC on his own.
Bloody cheek to sulk because he has to look after his own children, poor thing...boo hoo to him from all the single mums with full time jobs that manage without "me time" Angry

DishingOutDone · 29/04/2019 23:59

So OP, can we backtrack a bit? Was he like this previously before kids or when you had your first baby? How are things in general? Do you have family or friends who offer support in RL? Have you raised issues with him before?

Is this something you can work through, or is he such an arsehole that you now think its not going to work out?

MrsTerryPratchett · 30/04/2019 00:59

If you don't have equal 'me time' then yes, it's perfectly OK to be jealous. That's what emotions are for, to be appropriately felt at the appropriate time.

GertrudeCB · 30/04/2019 05:49

Maybe the way i speak. Or the things I do. Or i cant communicate)
No op, he's just a selfish cunt.

DownTownAbbey · 30/04/2019 06:40

So you aren't allowed to express your feelings without him sulking. Do you feel you're walking on eggshells? If you do you are experiencing emotional abuse.

jamaisjedors · 30/04/2019 08:02

@ CyclingMumKingston

before i always thought it s something in me. Maybe the way i speak. Or the things I do. Or i cant communicate)

This is exactly what I thought, and what H told me for years. He also told me I was imagining it when he sulked or gave me the silent treatment.

I don't know if there is anything you can do to get them to open up and communicate.

I hoped and tried for so many years with H but he can't see the problem, despite it being pointed out by our counsellor.

I have been seeing a therapist myself for a couple of years, and this has helped me a lot.

RE: the way you communicate. I will admit that in the past I had a tendancy to get annoyed by the lack of communication and so not always remain calm. I worked on that with my therapist but unfortunately, even though I changed the way I was communicating, H still responded to me in the same way.

This might be because we had got set in our ways and so it was impossible to reverse things. OR it was never possible anyway and at least I felt I had tried.

It's absolutely heart-breaking though to be shut out that and so so wounding too.

I hope you are ok? PM me anytime if you like.

Meandwinealone · 30/04/2019 09:53

Read this and the follow up thread

This is basically your life in 10 years if you don’t leave. Or he seeks some hardcore help. But basically even that won’t really work. He’s a bully.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3448545-Confronting-DH-about-his-sulking

Meandwinealone · 30/04/2019 09:55

@jamaisjedors
Oh sorry! I just linked your post. I hope that’s ok. I thought of you the minute I read this, and hoped that by reading your story it might help her. And I’m glad you’re doing much better.

jamaisjedors · 30/04/2019 10:18

Absolutely fine, you are right, it started with me when dc2 was a baby 10 years ago.

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