Husband sulking if i ask for help with DC

[CyclingMumKingston]

My husband rolls his eyes and sighs loudly if i ask him to help, but luckily he still helps

Yesterday he was in the shower at 7pm after coming from his bike ride and toddler was crying for food

So i told DH that dinner was ready and if he could please take it out of the oven and put it in our toddler's plate as i was breastfeeding our newborn

I cant open the oven with a newborn latched on (baby is very colicky and when he latches on it s often after an hour of crying his heart out)

If i ask DH why is he sulking, he says that I am only asking him to help because i am just jealous of him having a moment for himself (bike ride + shower)

He works 5 days a week and would like to relax a bit. I m on maternity leave this year.

AIBU?

[greatvengeanceandfuriousanger]

He understands the need for me time only as it applies to himself. I suspect he has more than an hour to himself each weekend day. I'm not sure how difficult you'd find it to breastfeed/express so that you can have the same time for yourself as your DH gets. I'm my family we both have the same access to money and parent 50/50 because even though I earn a lot more than my OH, it's 2019.

[ScrambledSmegs]

I knew someone at school whose father was a huge sulker. He had been all through her childhood, mainly directed at her mum. When she hit her teens he started on her too. He didn't speak to her or acknowledge her existence for a substantial period of time - not days or weeks, years.

I can't give much detail as it's not my story to tell, but it really messed her up. She subsequently did something that really shocked all of her friends and in retrospect was at least partly due to the way her dad treated her.

Sometimes staying 'for the kids' is actually the worst decision you can make.

[GummyGoddess]

I don't think he was offended, he just saw a chance to sleep in the spare room away from you and the baby.

Don't have any advice, only thing I can think of is to ask him if he can't cope with a minor task, how will he cope while working, doing all the housework plus taking care of both children alone in the event of a divorce.

[Jackfruit]

What he did was actually deflect it on to you and leave you questioning yourself.

[Sparkletastic]

Tell him you want a divorce.

[Tavannach]

In case you didn't follow the link that LadyMonicaBaddingham posted it's an article in the Telegraph called 'How to ensure your cycling habit doesn't ruin your marriage'

Truly astonishing. All these men hiding in plain sight on their bikes.

[BrainWormsWontWin]

I thought it was me too, and the more I tried to talk and fix things the nastier he got. Turned out he was an abusive arsehole. Divorced now and a million times better for it. Take time to seriously consider your relationship

[Happynow001]

Tell him you want a divorce.
Before you tell him this, if you do, ensure you have all your ducks in a row/financial information inc his salary and pension, discreetly and securely saved somewhere for when you are ready to speak to a solicitor...

Wow. I cant see myself being happy with him. He doesn't do discussing or clarifying. Basically it s his way and he stands up and leaves if he doesnt suit him.
When you are ready.

[lunicorn]

I think people who are demand avoidant can also think that they're being got at, you're trying to get one up on them etc. They blame people rather than just seeing that it just is what it is.
You won't change him.

[CyclingMumKingston]

Thanks for the article
@jamaisjedors i read both your threads. A bit worrying how it can get worse/ out of hand if i stick my head in the sand. I ll PM you. Xx
Financially i m the higher earner. We live in a house we co-own, with mortgage
I own 2 flats from before our marriage (one without and one with a small mortgage) so i guess i d be the one worse off in case of a divorce.

He is self employed and pays himself minimum wages. I own 51% of the business since it was setup with my savings. He owns 49%.
I have never thought of the financial implications in case of a divorce but it would be interesting to know at least.
To the many posters who asked how he was before, he has always been easily offended with no apparent reason.
One example, with DC2 he sulked for 3 days and didn't speak to me over Christmas without giving any reason. He was just extremely cold and avoiding and very upset face expression/ body language
Finally i asked (in tears) what have i done and he said that i offended him in front of my girlfriend as i asked him to change a nappy. This was after few days DC2 was born. I had a 3rd degree tear/ no family in the UK.
Another example, when i was pregnant with DC2 i had severe SPD, pelvis bones pain, and he was very upset about picking me up from the train station after work (i couldnt walk) and to have to do some house chores i couldn't do.
He would just not speak to me or speak in a very rude tone but deny he was upset if confronted.
I was on a wheelchair for few days and he would still sulk that he had to still do DC1 pick up and drop off from nursery.
I was often in tears because of this but i talked myself into believing that i was just emotional due to my pregnancy and tiredness rather than accept i have a problem with DH.
Few years ago we worked in the same company and he was quite controlling or upset about my interaction with men (covertly, not directly), mainly sulking or an upset comment about me speaking to someone so i did not feel at ease and changed company. I m happy in my current job but sometimes he makes comments about how much lovelier and nicer i am when i am at home and i can't help but thinking he d like me to be home so he could control me better / i could pick up all house chores and he would come home to a cooked meal and a clean house ;-(
Another epic sulk was when i went to London for a day to see a girlfriend who was visiting from abroad. He seemed angry and didn't speak to me for 2 days. When confronted, he first denied being angry (it s all in your head, you need therapy) but then admitted he was jealous that i had a nice time with my friend while he had to stay behind to catch up with his work.

Luckiky I have lots of friends, mainly from kids playgroups, as i speak to everyone. My DH has been quite critical of this. He commented that i am always out with friends and should cut it down. I go out once or twice a day as i m on maternity leave and want to make the most of it. But i m always home with dinner ready before he arrives. If i arrive 5 minutes after him (6pm) he starts another sulk/ cold treatment

Need to think long and hard about this
Thanks everyone for your reply
X

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Sadly there are plenty of examples of emotional abuse from him towards you in your most recent writings. He gets off on the power and control he has over you, the only person he cares about here is him. Not you and not your children either.

I would seek legal advice as soon as you are able re the finances, children and properties. This is no relationship model for them to be seeing either and to potentially emulate.

[3luckystars]

Awful. Please consider your life if this goes on. He ignores you. You are not worth talking to. He pretends to get offended over nothing, but he is just trying to punish you and keep you down.

You will probably get anxiety if you stay with him.

Good luck.

[EL8888]

I think you need to have a think if this relationship can continue and if it does, then it what ways is going to change. He sounds very controlling, selfish, lazy and unreasonable 😔

[Jackfruit]

Wow. This is way bigger than your original problem. He sounds horrible! Controlling, manipulative and emotionally abusive.

It’s not you.

[Meandwinealone]

If you’re going to play the long game. Which you might have to. I would totally detach- see a solicitor about moving your properties into a company name/parents/children’s
But this is only if you’re not going to leave in the short term. Protect your assets.

He is seriously emotionally abusive, and I’m surprised he hadn’t managed to totally beat you down yet. Which means you’re stronger than you think.

No amount of talking to him is going to change anything. You’ve really got to look at this in a cold hard logical way. You don’t have the luxury anymore of seeing this as a couples problem.

[lunicorn]

You're describing domestic abuse/emotional abuse. Get some advice from a divorce lawyer (research who would be good). Make an exit plan before he knows about it, then leave.

[jamaisjedors]

OMG I could have written your update post - mega-sulks from H after I go out with friends or go away - but then he denies it and actually told me for years that I was totally crazy and needed to see a psychologist.

So so sorry this is happening to you.

Look on the bright side, being in a good financial position means at least that you CAN CHOOSE what happens in the future so if you decide you have had enough, you can leave/kick him out and don't have to worry about the mortgage payments.

I am fortunate enough to be in that position too, although I am leaving because he is in complete denial and all the sulking/control has killed my love for him (but it's still breaking my heart).

I kidded myself for years that it was ok because H was quite hands-on with the kids, washed nappies etc etc and also is very stable and successful in his job.

[crystalize]

Just read your thread. He sounds horrendous. To respond like that just a few days having given birth to his child is to my mind unforgivable.

The priorities are his needs only, punishing you for his perceived insults.

I really hope you decide to leave this waste of space. It sounds like you are in a good position to do so. In the meantime do not pander to his moods, let him stew.

[jamaisjedors]

A very good question which the amazing posters on MN asked me was "what is he getting out of sulking?"

In my case, it was getting :
a) time to himself - for example staying in bed all day "with a bad back" whenever we went anywhere (we went on holiday to Greece and he was so covertly angry with me that the cheap flights meant we arrived at 2am at our destination that he stayed in bed the whole of the next day while I juggled the DC on no sleep)

b) control or getting his way
With me this meant I modified my behaviour by turning down invitations to fun things to do because I know I would "pay" afterwards or bending over backwards to anticipate his "needs" in anything I organised.

What is your H getting out of using the silent treatment?

An option out of the drudgery of family life.

[aidelmaidel]

Wow. Asking a child's father to change a nappy is offensive? He's a knob. None of what you describe is ok. You do not have to blame yourself for how he's behaving.

[jamaisjedors]

BTW don't worry if this all seems too much for you right now - I threatened to leave H when our second DC was quite small but stayed in the end, partly because he convinced me that I was imagining things and over-tired and over-emotional.

With hindsight, I don't think I was in a place where I would have had the strength to leave him at that time and now the DC are a lot older.

On the other hand, I put up with it for so many years that it became "normal" to me and so it has been really tough to regain self-confidence and believe in myself enough to even envisage leaving or separating.

[jamaisjedors]

he said that i offended him in front of my girlfriend as i asked him to change a nappy.

It seems they are very easily "offended", my H feels "humiliated" by a joke made by a friend.

Like you, I have lots of friends, please keep them up, whatever you do. I dropped some but I have been lucky in that now that I have contacted them again and explained things, they are there for me.

I take this to mean that he is wrong, I am not someone who routinely humiliates or expects too much of others, but I believe (and my therapist does too) that he genuinely sees himself as a victim of me (and of others).

I'll stop now but am here following (sorry for the multiple posts!).

[grubus]

On my goodness I thought that I was starting a new thread. Sorry I'll report it and get it taken down

[EKGEMS]

Omg how can you tolerate his history of treating you with utter contempt? Why would you accept this sort of abuse from him? You need to get the fuck out with your children-today!