Husband sulking if i ask for help with DC

[CyclingMumKingston]

My husband rolls his eyes and sighs loudly if i ask him to help, but luckily he still helps

Yesterday he was in the shower at 7pm after coming from his bike ride and toddler was crying for food

So i told DH that dinner was ready and if he could please take it out of the oven and put it in our toddler's plate as i was breastfeeding our newborn

I cant open the oven with a newborn latched on (baby is very colicky and when he latches on it s often after an hour of crying his heart out)

If i ask DH why is he sulking, he says that I am only asking him to help because i am just jealous of him having a moment for himself (bike ride + shower)

He works 5 days a week and would like to relax a bit. I m on maternity leave this year.

AIBU?

[BlueJag]

@thecatsarecrazy how do you stop yourself from killing him. Switch your phone off and go out. Text before to let him know there is no signal where you are.
That it's just bad.

[Whisky2014]

If i were you, id sit him down and tell him he either shapes up to be a good father and husband or you want a divorce and toddler can split his time 50/50 or 60/40 or whatever. Either way, you will get more childfree tome and he will have to buck up.

I thought if an assert was bought before marriage it's not considered in the divorce? I could be wrong but please get advice.

[sue51]

He sounds vile. What does he bring to your relationship. Adults don't sulk for days especially after being asked a new born's nappy. As you are looking at your assets, I would go one step further and see a solicitor to find out exactly how you stand financially should or when you divorce.

[Quartz2208]

@grubus please start your own thread - you are not being unreasonable and frankly he does sound terribly unsupportive

[Whisky2014]

Avtually reading your last post, just bloody divorce him

[Happynow001]

My goodness @CyclingMumKingston

What a despicable, manipulative person your husband is. I admire your strength in acknowledging what he is and not isolating yourself from people who will be able to support you when needed. Thank goodness that financially you are in a position of strength come the time you divorce him.

I agree with other PPs - talk to a very good lawyer about how you can protect your assets as far as possible as he will come after you financially as well as emotionally. He is self employed and pays himself minimum wages. so he's already set himself up to hide funds.

Best of luck going forward when you are ready. 🌹

[squareeyed]

Another vote for you not being the unreasonable one OP. Him not helping and rolling his eyes was pathetic in itself - but then sulking... Appalling. And juvenile.

I also have a DH like this. And - wouldn't you know it - he's a cyclist But our kids are much older. I wish I'd challenged his behaviour long ago but like you said, I thought it was me, or that I could somehow improve things myself. It's only in recent months I've seen it is him.

I used to think I had the same 'marriage moans' as everyone but coming on here showed me most don't - and most partners just do their bit. We deserve the same @CyclingMumKingston!!

[violetbunny]

I think you need to recognise that the sulking is a deliberate control tactic, designed to put you back in your box.

[CyclingMumKingston]

Thanks everyone!
You are all more helpful than i can ever say with words

@jamaisjedors you made me wonder about how come none of my close friends seems to get offended but husband does regularly. What a realisation!

I am quite lucky that i always kept lots lof of friends. This is an old habit from childhood as we had a quite tense atmosphere at home (my mum would tolerate quite a lot as she comes from a mentality and from a family where women have to be submissive and comply) so i always tried to keep some close friendships to cheer me up or to support me if i was down

How handy this comes in now as i imagine it would be impossible to keep a clear head if DH had managed to isolate me from friends

As another sign of his silent sulking, DH has not walked, let out in the garden, fed nor given water to the dog today. He didn't tell me but luckily i have just noticed now. How cruel :(

[Butterymuffin]

What? I wouldn't want to even look at someone who took out their feelings on a dog in that calculated way. He is disgusting. Gather up all the details of his income and assets now. He'll screw you over when the time comes if he can treat an animal like that.

[Minta85]

OP this sounds like a horrible situation for you! Do you think that the dynamics between you and your husband are repeating the negative pattern from your childhood? It sounds like he would very much like you to be submissive and compliant!

[frenchonion]

What a thundercunt! I'm speechless. Hasn't fed the dog because he had to get some food out of the oven?! I feel like I'm saying LTB more and more on mumsnet at the moment, but seriously...LTB. Who died and made him king?! I'm PMSing like crazy right now and I sincerely wish your H was here so I could tear him a new one.

[Preggosaurus9]

Any person who can treat an innocent animal like that is not someone who is safe around children. Disgusting behaviour.

[Happynow001]

As another sign of his silent sulking, DH has not walked, let out in the garden, fed nor given water to the dog today. He didn't tell me but luckily i have just noticed now. How cruel :(
Yes how cruel?! Anyone who could do this to a helpless, loyal animal will have no compunction in treating you equally when you "betray" him by daring to start divorce proceedings. Take care OP.

[polkadotpixie]

Your story resonates with me OP, my DH can be like this too and it sends me insane

Thankfully mine isn't controlling but he sulks and has the same selfish attitude to 'me time' and parenting. I laid it on the line earlier about how things need to change if our marriage is to continue and he is currently trying to help more. I doubt it'll last though and it's eroding my love for him every day

[DartmoorDoughnut]

He is an abusive cockwomble

[Meandwinealone]

Have you asked him about the dog situation?

[upaladderagain]

I had this with my DH (although he wasn't a cyclist - I do know where to draw the line!), and as soon as DS was off the boob I got a Saturday job.

DH runs his own business and had got in to the habit of staying late and working Saturday mornings to avoid having to deal with a stressed wife and two whingy children, so it was off to John Lewis for me every Saturday and Thursday evening so he had no choice but to step up and be an actual parent not just the family wallet.

It worked a treat - he bonded much better with the kids and understood some of what was involved in day to day childcare.

I'd get home to find the kids fed, bathed and in bed and dinner and a foot massage waiting for me.

And I didn't ask his permission - heaven forbid - I went and got the job, then had a word with his mum so that she would say no if he asked her to help out. Fortunately she was completely on board.

Alternatively you could hide his bike.

[upaladderagain]

On second thoughts, your husband is beyond the pale selfish, abusive and an utter knob.
Completely second seeing a solicitor and finding out what your position would be when you divorce the bastard.
You would still be parenting your children largely alone, but without the burning resentment and frustration you have at the moment. Resentment is one of the worst killers of relationships and to be able to live your life without it would feel like a huge weight has lifted.
I wish you the very best of luck.

[CyclingMumKingston]

Thanks everyone

I asked why he neglected the dog, and DH's reply was that while i was pregnant and had SPD he was helping with the dog, but he is sick of it and we have to share dog care 50/50
(Hard for me to do the morning and evening walk with a breastfed newborn)

Funny though how DH just stopped looking after the dog rather than raising any concerns by talking to me

@Minta85
Yes probably repeating old family dynamics from childhood
My mum says: if he doesnt drink, beats you up, holds down a job and doesnt sleep around, what are you complaining about?
So when i see my mum i always feel she invalidates any of my attempts to establish boundaries with DH

Tbh i feel my love for him (and definitely sexual attraction) vanishing

More cold treatment. He slept on the sofa and was very grumpy with toddler at breakfast
Toddler is teething (molars) so was crying, but DH became even more stroppy. He dressed and fed DC1 forcefully.
In the end i had to stop breastfeeding as DC1 was crying so much and DH wouldnt even speak to him to try to cheer him up/ play with him/ distract him as you do with a teething crying baby
DH then left the room and left me to it with both kids. Luckily i didnt let DH affect me too much today thanks to the support here! But the other day i was tearful in front of DC1, who was saying: mum dont cry. It s ok mum. And hugged me.

I hate that i let my DH affect my relationship with my kids as i often feel down and can't be playful and joyful around DC as i would otherwise be

[Meandwinealone]

Dog care 50/50
But not child care?

[Meandwinealone]

He actually sounds a lot worse than jamaisjedors husband
I mean a lot worse. And I thought that he was horrendous
The dog thing is so beyond fucked up it’s hard to put it into words how shocking that is.

[Butterymuffin]

He's a bad person. I'm happy to say that straight. His deliberate neglect of the dog has made that very clear. You'll be happier without him, even if you're still doing everything yourself.

[DartmoorDoughnut]

Wow so he’s abusive emotionally to your toddler too ... and your dog ... if you won’t leave for you - and I get that honestly I do it’s easier to put with things if it’s on you - but he’s starting on the vulnerable members of your family

[BillyGoatGruff007]

Wow CyclingMum, just wow.
Think on this.... I've been married for 47 years. It's gone by so quickly I can't believe it's been that long.
But it's a very, very long time to be with someone if you aren't happy.
How do you see the next 30 - 40 years stretching out ahead of you ?
A life of love and happy days ? or a hell on earth if you stay with this excuse for a human being ?