Forced to spend insane amount on wedding..Should I marry him? Feeling torn.

[sakurawarrior]

Ok, this is going to be a long post so I need to apologise - but I want to explain as thoroughly as I can. I'm not a mum but I wanted some sensible advice.

I'm in my late twenties. Four years ago I met my bf on the internet. After a year of a long distance relationship, I emigrated to the country he was living in to be with him. I know, that sounds nuts. A huge step. Needless to say, I was infatuated with him.

My history - Before him, I had two previous relationships. The first one when I was 16. I suspect now he was personality disordered. He 10 timed me and beat the shit out of me, then impregnated a married woman 20 years older than him. Needless to say, that damaged me and it took a year or two to recover. The next relationship lasted 5 years. I left him in the end because he kept binge drinking, slapped me across the face when I asked him to do something and a few other abusive incidents (he wasn't a complete psycho like the last one but less than perfect).

So anyway, back my present bf. He is Asian and thus came with some cultural baggage. His parents live in his home country and always expected him to have an arranged marriage. After we'd been together several months he told them he met me and he wants to be with me. They were extremely upset and disapproving and came up with a whole litany of reasons why I was a bad idea - I wouldn't be understanding of their culture, I would divorce him after a couple of years, I didn't hold a masters degree, my degree subject wasn't prestigious enough, westerners have no morals or values, we wouldn't suit each other... on and on it went.

He told me that he would stay in a relationship with me as long as possible, but couldn't marry me without their approval. He said the shame his parents would face would ruin their lives and the people around them would bully them and gossip making their lives a misery. He said we could only marry with their approval. But if by the time he got to 29 years old the social pressure to marry is too great, and if they didn't accept by then he would be forced to leave me. Of course, I hated this, but I tried to understand from his perspective because I loved him so much.

Fast forward two years and they have finally accepted with a condition. The wedding has to happen according to their customs, in their home country, and me and my parents must contribute to half the costs, which would come to an insane 20 grand. They will not compromise on this and bf has said he will leave me for an arranged marriage otherwise. Me and my parents could scrape together this amount of money but it just seems so wrong to spend this much on a wedding and to be forced to, as well. bf said his parents are compromising so much as they don't want me as a DIL at all, so now me and my parents need to compromise with spending the money and doing it their way.

I'm so conflicted I feel torn up inside. I feel like I don't know what to do anymore. My dad suggested that the money should be used as a house deposit instead of a wedding, and his parents got really offended by this, saying it's not about the money but about carrying out all the customs and traditions, and spending that amount of money is the only way it can be done.
My dad also thought I should ditch him on the principle that he would ultimately leave me if things came to that. There's a part of me that feels he is right, but I also have to understand my bf and his parent's POV. Holding some many conflicting views in my mind and so many shades of grey is driving me insane, frankly.

I've been reading through some of MN posts and I see the tendency to advocate leaving the relationship rather than staying. Honestly from the start our relationship has had huge strain because of these problems and my MH has naturally taken a hit. I've seen a number of therapists even one from his background - they didn't have an answer about the culture thing but said he is bordering emotionally abusive to me. (If he is annoyed at me he tends to give me the silent treatment, not at all great and the one problem in our relationship apart from the marriage issue).

I want a fresh perspective on this all. I don't know what to do. Any advice greatly appreciated. Tysm if you made it through this post.

Use some of your money to book a plane ticket and get the hell out of there

Whatever happens don't take any money from your dad. Not a penny.

If it helps, make up some financial disaster story and say he's broke. Or he refuses to give money because it is against his own cultural mores.

You are being scammed. Don't take someone else's money to give to a scammer. Only give what you yourself can afford to lose: money, sanity, fertile years.

Please cut out this unnecessary complication from your life. I too married a man from a different culture at your age and in my case it was a European culture and not as drastically different and yours seems to be. I have had many friends and acquaintances who also married men from a different culture and not one has had an easy time of it. Nearly all are divorced now and in messy and complicated situations. In my case his parents were not at all interfering and have been nothing but kind to me and mine to him. We lived in his country for the first few years and had children and I had a job and we had his family's support. The endless small differences due to our cultural backgrounds chipped away at us and we rowed all the time. We separated and went for counselling (he wouldn't agree before that point) and even in counselling we couldn't seem to comminicate effectively. In the end I got back together with him in order to move back to the UK as a family so I wouldn't be stuck there forever as a single mum. Now in the UK things are better as he's had to adapt more to our culture and he's quite happy. I don't feel like divorcing him is an option as he might have to leave the country and be separated from his kids and our marriage is not bad now. However, it has not been worth the hassle when I could have just married someone from here with none of these complications, which is what you should do.

What would happen if you call your boyfriend's bluff. Say, yes we can get married but no way can we afford 40k, let's have a small wedding instead.

Would he really go through with his threat and leave you for an arranged marriage? Or try to find a way around it and compromise with his parents?

His answer will tell you all you need to know.

Also, consider that if you do give him all your savings for this wedding, and it doesn't work out and he becomes even more abusive, you'll be properly trapped them and unable to have the financial means to leave.

I don't think you're an idiot. You're in love and your previous relationships have skewed your expectations. Hopefully the responses will set you on a better path. My sis who was with a dick who happened to be Asian left him at 31 and by 33 she was married to a lovely guy with a DS.

Your life really has been on a downward spiral since you were 16 and it will not improve any if you were to marry this man either.

I would be putting your own savings to far better use i.e. to get back to the UK and have therapy than to bind yourself to a life of further misery with this person and in turn his own abusive family of origin.

Oh Sakura no one thinks you're a complete idiot. But you're allowing yourself to eat blinded by your desire to get married and have children, at huge personal cost to you and your future children.

It's not idiotic but it is not a decision coming from a good positive place, it's coming from fear of being alone.

The fact you are here asking for opinions suggests you have reservations about the marriage. That’s not a good sign before the wedding. You not wanting to hurt this man is probably why you still consider marriage an option.

I think if you returned home for a month and really thought about things, things would be clearer.

I haven’t read every single reply as there as so many but I need to say something important in case it hasn’t been said.

Be mindful of using the term “cultural baggage” it could be incredibly offensive to him, his family and his culture.
I am a white woman but in a long marriage with an Asian husband (with kids). His culture plays a central part in our family and our daily lives, but so does mine because we live a ‘western’ life. From my experience raising children will probably lead your husband to be to reflect on the importance of his culture in the lives of his children (as will you).
I was immediately accepted but DH’s family and friends, I was welcomed with open arms, I have deep love for MIL, but boy it can still be really really hard sometimes. For me and DH it works and I’ll tell anyone how his culture has enriched my life, but that is in overall terms because of the harder times exist.
Money for wedding aside, Now is a time for you to do some serious self reflection about how you feel about a mixed culture marriage and whether you have the resilience to navigate the (no fault) cultural tensions in the longer term.

Good luck with your decision, neither will be easy.

It sounds as if you have already made compromises for him in regard to moving, asking your parents for money etc. A relationship with someone no matter what their background or heritage should be equal with give and take. Marriage is a high step (it joins you to that person and their family and makes breaking away very difficult and potentially emotionally hard). Why are you thinking about marriage at all. Marriage intensifies a relationship because you loose your freedom to a certain extent. You are still young! There are so many things for you to see and do (together or apart). I didn't get married till I was 34 last year to a guy I met on the Internet. We are now expecting our first child. We are both extremely happy and I had no doubts at all in marrying him. He makes me feel a better person and complements me. That is what you need. And he is out there!!! Often fear of being alone drives us to do things we shouldn't do because it is so strong. I believe you should return home to your parents, and explore your feelings of being alone. If he really loves you and is willing to compromise he will follow you. If not you have your answer clear as day! Hope that helps

No you shouldn't marry him OP but I know that's not what you want to hear and I'm sorry.

You shouldn't have to pay to have someone marry you. Please please listen to posters.

You are worth far more than this.

Your dad and the therapists are talking sense... get on a plane, go home, and don’t look back

Just echoing what everyone here has said... your two abusive relationships have completely skewed your expectations and you think this in comparison is much better. It’s not healthy and he doesn’t love you like he should. And he’s emotionally abusive by the sound of it!

In comparison, I am in a relationship that just feels easy, we love each other, we compromise on everything, we don’t demand unreasonable things of each other, there’s no emotional blackmail. Of course we argue and it’s not perfect (he can be a stubborn buggar and so can I!) but it’s just happy. You deserve this, not to settle on someone who is unkind and won’t sacrifice anything, but who doesn’t hit you so it must be ok.

And please don’t take that amount of money from your parents, that would be very wrong. Just get out of there.

And you’re about the same age as me, you’re young and plenty of time to find someone lovely!

if by the time he got to 29 years old the social pressure to marry is too great, and if they didn't accept by then he would be forced to leave me

I don’t actually understand why you stayed beyond this threat tbh. If you went through with this marriage you would have your whole life controlled by his family.

Have you heard the things he has said direct from his family OP or are they things he is telling you they say?

Of course they want you in a high powered job because it’s all about social status and it’s well known that in Asian culture they like to ‘pool ‘ money, think ‘family’ money. I’m not saying it’s right or wrong, that is though usually the culture. Sometimes love just isn’t enough to compensate for the other aspects and I can tell you that being single will seem a piece of cake compared to the stress you will be put under. If he truly loved you then he would tell his parents to go and do one and would have you down that register office with a simple wedding. You have tons of time to have fun looking for someone if you wish to do so , no one is perfect as you say but this is so far from perfect and I think you know it

So if you don't comply:
a. You get the silent treatment
b. He will leave you and have an arranged marriage instead
c. You get no say in how the money is spent - or how much

There are so many questions OP. What input will you have on:
d. If your new husband and/or his family want him to move to their country where will you live? With his parents?
e. Will you be able to hold down your own job and have management of your salary?
f. Will you be able to leave the country either alone or WITH your child without his permission?
g. Will you have any say in how you live your life?

His parents have shown they will never accept you or how you wish to live your life. Eg: any arguments you have with their son they will support him and vice versa. You will be totally isolated and trapped.

Leave this relationship whilst you still can OP and go back to your home and your parents.

Get some more counselling and do the Freedom Programme to see why you keep getting involved with abusive/unsuitable men.

I suspect you'll go ahead anyway- but I hope not. Good luck for the future. 🌹

Run, actually sprint.

No way would I give any of my kids 1 cent in this situation.

You're not an idiot!

If you're an idiot then I am too - and I'm not! I ended up in a shit marriage to someone from a different culture who also happened to be an abuser, though I was blinded by the cultural thing, bending over backwards to accept it and him within it. Blah blah. I was just an abused wife was the bottom line.

Even if he was the best man on the planet and he didn't have an horrific family, it's bloody hard marrying someone from a different culture. All those minute cultural cues you will both miss by a mile. Marriage is hard enough without having entirely different and crucial points of view.

But anyway, he isn't an OK sort and he does have an horrific family. I get it we have to make sacrifices in marriage but what you are considering is way way beyond what is required. You'd be mad to consider it.

user1479305498 that's all I have wanted, to have a simple registry office marriage, but it will never happen .

Innernutshell I can't know for sure what they say to him and what he says to them. It's over the phone and in their language...they don't speak much english. I have learnt some of their language and know some words. I know what topic they are speaking about but I don't know details because I don't understand.

You said in your opening post he is already abusive to you.

I've been reading through some of MN posts and I see the tendency to advocate leaving the relationship rather than staying. Honestly from the start our relationship has had huge strain because of these problems and my MH has naturally taken a hit. I've seen a number of therapists even one from his background - they didn't have an answer about the culture thing but said he is bordering emotionally abusive to me. (If he is annoyed at me he tends to give me the silent treatment, not at all great and the one problem in our relationship apart from the marriage issue).

He may not hit you but he is not a nice man. Counsellors have told you this.

Listen to your dad. He loves you.

Do not make your family scrape together money for this marriage. It is incredibly unfair to make them do this on top of everything else.

This will not get better when you are married. You are clearly not marrying him but his family. They will control him, any DC and you forever.

I would get your dad to call with a "medical emergency" so that you have to go home immediately. Once you're home, stay there.

Sakura, no-one thinks you are an idiot - quite the opposite, you have identified the issues around your relationship and that takes insight and courage. The comments on here are made out of a genuine desire to support you.

We all make mistakes, especially in relationships (I certainly have!) and that is part of life and of growing up. Life is a learning experience. It sucks at the time but soon enough it will be in your past and you can ask yourself what you have learned from it and move on into a better future.

sakurawarrior do you not feel guilty about your family getting in to debt just to stop future in-laws feeling shamed. If your Dp keeps saying if you don't do this or that he will leave you for an arranged marriage then surely that's the proof you need to leave him as he can't love you very much. If he says he loves you then get him to tell his parents to butt out, if he won't then he doesn't love you or even respect you or your family.