Ok, this is going to be a long post so I need to apologise - but I want to explain as thoroughly as I can. I'm not a mum but I wanted some sensible advice.
I'm in my late twenties. Four years ago I met my bf on the internet. After a year of a long distance relationship, I emigrated to the country he was living in to be with him. I know, that sounds nuts. A huge step. Needless to say, I was infatuated with him.
My history - Before him, I had two previous relationships. The first one when I was 16. I suspect now he was personality disordered. He 10 timed me and beat the shit out of me, then impregnated a married woman 20 years older than him. Needless to say, that damaged me and it took a year or two to recover. The next relationship lasted 5 years. I left him in the end because he kept binge drinking, slapped me across the face when I asked him to do something and a few other abusive incidents (he wasn't a complete psycho like the last one but less than perfect).
So anyway, back my present bf. He is Asian and thus came with some cultural baggage. His parents live in his home country and always expected him to have an arranged marriage. After we'd been together several months he told them he met me and he wants to be with me. They were extremely upset and disapproving and came up with a whole litany of reasons why I was a bad idea - I wouldn't be understanding of their culture, I would divorce him after a couple of years, I didn't hold a masters degree, my degree subject wasn't prestigious enough, westerners have no morals or values, we wouldn't suit each other... on and on it went.
He told me that he would stay in a relationship with me as long as possible, but couldn't marry me without their approval. He said the shame his parents would face would ruin their lives and the people around them would bully them and gossip making their lives a misery. He said we could only marry with their approval. But if by the time he got to 29 years old the social pressure to marry is too great, and if they didn't accept by then he would be forced to leave me. Of course, I hated this, but I tried to understand from his perspective because I loved him so much.
Fast forward two years and they have finally accepted with a condition. The wedding has to happen according to their customs, in their home country, and me and my parents must contribute to half the costs, which would come to an insane 20 grand. They will not compromise on this and bf has said he will leave me for an arranged marriage otherwise. Me and my parents could scrape together this amount of money but it just seems so wrong to spend this much on a wedding and to be forced to, as well. bf said his parents are compromising so much as they don't want me as a DIL at all, so now me and my parents need to compromise with spending the money and doing it their way.
I'm so conflicted I feel torn up inside. I feel like I don't know what to do anymore. My dad suggested that the money should be used as a house deposit instead of a wedding, and his parents got really offended by this, saying it's not about the money but about carrying out all the customs and traditions, and spending that amount of money is the only way it can be done.
My dad also thought I should ditch him on the principle that he would ultimately leave me if things came to that. There's a part of me that feels he is right, but I also have to understand my bf and his parent's POV. Holding some many conflicting views in my mind and so many shades of grey is driving me insane, frankly.
I've been reading through some of MN posts and I see the tendency to advocate leaving the relationship rather than staying. Honestly from the start our relationship has had huge strain because of these problems and my MH has naturally taken a hit. I've seen a number of therapists even one from his background - they didn't have an answer about the culture thing but said he is bordering emotionally abusive to me. (If he is annoyed at me he tends to give me the silent treatment, not at all great and the one problem in our relationship apart from the marriage issue).
I want a fresh perspective on this all. I don't know what to do. Any advice greatly appreciated. Tysm if you made it through this post.