A low blow or did I deserve it?

[justkeepgoing76]

OH and I have a good relationship, lots of stresses and strains with work, kids etc that I do let get on top of me.. Every couple of weeks I will have a bit of a blow and an argument will ensue. He has very clever ways of pushing my buttons so that I blow hotter and he gets calmer and calmer. I can and do have a temper, I've been using lots of therapy for this and my hormones are in a bit of a mess. Can't take HRT, tried Prozac and it was horrendous and made me ill. So, I'm plodding away trying to keep my life as balanced as possible, understandin that arguments happen and trying to keep my fuse as long as possible.
So, back story over, kids wound me up last night and I niggled and an argument occurred. I then got the complete silent treatment this morning which drives me crazy.
A few weeks back for his birthday I made him a scrap book, containing all the reasons I love him. It took hours and was heartfelt and had lots of pics and memories etc. He was emotional when he opened it and said he'd rather wait til he had private time to absorb it.

Needless to say, I come home from work today and the book has been read and is being used as ammunition. How can I behave the way I do and yet I've said I love him so much? I feel really hurt that he has used this as a tool to prove a lesson. Or is he within his rights and I am deflecting? He's also said he won't talk to me again until I apologise and explain my behaviour. I am furious at these two things and feel I am being treated like a child! Any thoughts please? I am not a bad person, I do get stressy and anxious but I am not nasty

I really don't understand why you're furious. If you've behaved badly, for whatever reason. Own it.

You've behaved badly. I'd feel the same if my partner snapped at me all the time. Of course you should apologise!

I feel for you I really do. DP and I have a similar relationship and it’s hard, you know you’re getting wound up, but you can’t back down.

I think you need to stop blaming him for pushing your buttons, take control of your own emotions and reactions, own your anger and apologise for your part in the disagreement. If he wants to apologise for his own part in it, so much the better.

When it’s all blown over you can tell him that it isn’t fair to use your loving gift as ammunition in an argument, that’s shit and exactly the type of thing my DP would do too

You need to find some strategies for dealing with your feelings without getting “hotter and hotter” because (as I know!) you don’t come out of it feeling better or victorious, you both just lose.

You 'blow' every couple of weeks and blame him for it? Yeah, this is on you

Third person therapy may help you see his perspective?

What does it look like when you “blow”? I think that’s key here. If it’s smashing up the house and screaming then it’s a very different situation to if you’re making a few sarcastic comments.

I’m in two minds.

Either he is being very sly and manipulative and purposely pressing your buttons so you get accused of being a mad woman. If it’s that then I suggest you leave. As it’s making you unwell - hence the need for medication.

Or

If it’s you not being about to control yourself emotionally and every one has to walk on egg shells in case you explode or just waiting for you to kick off if your not in good state of mind. So he is now pushing back.

Only you can be truly honest about what scenario it is.

Gosh, your temper tantrums are everybody's fault but yours reading your post and even then they are somehow reasonable in your eyes.

You spent hours making a scrap book of why you love him. Kind of an odd gift beyond teenage years. Get socks he likes next time. Anyway, then you had one of your blow ups last night, which wasn't really your fault, it was the children's fault and anyway minimise minimise niggle argument minimise.

He points out the lunacy. You love him but you attack. You don't even apologise.

That's not throwing it back in your face that's showing your selfishness your face.

Maybe you won't be treated like a child if you don't have tantrums, that you then minimise, that you then blame on others that you then don't even apologise for.

How are you not being nasty? That sounds vile to me. I'd divorce you in a heartbeat.

And by own it, I mean stop making excuses for your behaviour. Stop expecting others to live round it and accept it. Learn to grow up and apologise when you're on the wrong.

And stop being furious for sweet fuck all other than being caught bang to rights,

Really grow up. Own it, and set your kids a better example.

Can you imagine this in reverse? A woman would be told that her partner was verbally abusive then was expected to accept a gift that contradicts what's been said.

Is this a relationship you want to be in? Neither of you sound all that happy.

Either he is being very sly and manipulative and purposely pressing your buttons so you get accused of being a mad woman

Well since it was her kids last night I'd re think if you're still in two minds. Unless you think they are sly and manipulative too and purposefully pressing her buttons?

Nope. Thought not.

Leave even if it's for a short time even if you are just turning your back on him whenever he starts on you walk away if he pursues you and keeps on at you then you know dont you

And if you were really blowing up every few weeks unprovoked why is he still there it takes a special kind of idiot to stay

And if you were really blowing up every few weeks unprovoked why is he still there it takes a special kind of idiot to stay

I know a man who stays. He stays because he doesn't feel it's safe to leave his kids with her. And he wouldn't get custody due to his work and her unemployment, and the ability to prove it and what that entailed. He also believes she's genuinely ill,

But he stays to protect his kids from her temper.

That's really sad, bluntness.

I couldn't bear to live with someone with a short fuse who 'blows' every couple of weeks. Sod that.

You really need a better therapist or to take a long hard look at your behaviour and get some perspective before you alienate the people in your life.

To be honest, the whole situation is sad. And he will stay till the kids leave home.

Thanks for your honest feedback everyone.

I can 100% say that by the word "blow" I am not talking anywhere close to anything that would consider anyone to imagine anyone unsafe! I have and do apologise when I am in the wrong. I have and did apologise about last night. Which, in terms of a blow, was complaining about someone leaving shit lying around, having a bit of a cry and saying I was angry and pissed off. There was no lashing out, violence or abuse.

it's really hard to gauge what is true here.

You admit freely you have a hot temper, yes?

you also say this "He has very clever ways of pushing my buttons so that I blow hotter and he gets calmer and calmer.".

I'm wondering if he is really pushing your buttons or you just think he is. My dad had a terrible temper and also an amazing ability to blame it on others. He would certainly have said that I was getting calmer, but that's because I used to try and say something rational - which might have made him more angry - and then I'd get calmer as a deliberate way to keep calm.

my mum just used to be upset and that made him angry too.

I appreciate I'm looking at this through another lens, but it might be useful perspective for you. Even after going low contact, I was relieved when he died because having Mr Potentially Exploding With Temper, even just in the background of my life, was incredibly annoying. I was glad when he died, even though he managed to keep his temper most of his last two years.

you don't want your DC thinking that of you, I hope!

This is long so I'd jump straight to "elements" which there are plenty of indicators of in your OP

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Verbal_abuse

Your children wound you up and you niggled at your husband in order to start an argument so you could 'blow' and you are blaming him for it?

I think you enjoy taking out your stress and frustrations on your husband, you say he pushes your buttons but you admit to niggling and pushing his to cause an argument and are now trying to turn it back onto him.

It sounds as if everyone is expected to tiptoe around you and to just lie back and take your temper because it is your way of alleviating your stress.

Maybe your husband has decided the best way to deal with you is to stay silent then you can't use anything he does say as an excuse for losing your temper.

He was right to point out the discrepancies in what you put in the scrapbook versus the way you treat him, were you trying to use the scrapbook as a justification for your behaviour? I would imagine he is very hurt by the difference in the person you portray in the scrapbook and the person he deals with every day in real life.

And if you were really blowing up every few weeks unprovoked why is he still there it takes a special kind of idiot to stay

People stay in abusive relationships for a myriad of reasons, rarely is one of those reasons their own idiocy .

Thanks, Wow, I didn't quite think I was falling into category of abuser. This gives me a whole lot to think about

well maybe they are all in the wrong op and you're in thr right. It wasn't bad and you don't know what he's talking about today.

🤷‍♀️

That wasn't my suggestion, Bluntness, my comment wasn't supposed to be portrayed as sarcastic

When my ex was abusing us we didn't challenge him on anything walked on eggshells appeased him we didn't drag his faults out for all to see